My Husband Live Chats with Porn Girls

Is it cheating when your partner looks for sexual arousal on the internet? Most of us understand why we look at porn. Many couples even enjoy it together, but what about live chatting? If you caught your partner chatting with a naked web girl/guy, would you be upset? When a person has direct contact with another person, and one of them are taking part in a sexual activity, isn't that cheating? Let's here from the She Said He Said team, Josie and Eli, about this cyber dilemma.

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Dear Sexes: My husband watches porn which is fine. That really doesn’t bother me but what bothers me is when he live chats with them. I told him I consider that cheating in a way and it needs to stop if he wants to continue this marriage. And he always needs to look up naked actresses and he does when I am right next to him but he thinks I don’t notice. Why, in your opinion, do you think he does that? Is it me?

She Said: Without knowing your husband, it’s hard to say why he’s doing this, but I feel pretty confident in saying that there’s nothing about you that causes him to do it.

First, there’s nothing inherently wrong with him looking at porn or even chatting with the live chat women. Always remember that they are hired and paid to be sex workers, they do not love him or care about him. They’re not your competition. They’re just performing a service.

That being said, your boundaries for what are acceptable to you in this monogamous relationship are extremely important. You do get to decide what you’re comfortable with, and he has an obligation to hear you and respect your boundaries.

In this case, figure out what you find acceptable and what you do not. Maybe looking at porn is fine for you, but live chats aren’t. Maybe you’d rather know that he’s looking at the naked actresses than have him keep those things a secret.

Whatever you decide, you have to be clear with him about how you feel when he live-chats, and clear about your boundaries. Find out from him what he truly believes he can honestly commit to, as far as his own boundaries and make sure you’re ready to be receptive to whatever truth he may share with you. If you’re going to freak out and call him names or threaten to leave him just to get him to say he’ll stop doing it, he’s not going to be able to trust you with the truth.

And you need the truth. So be the person he can tell the truth to, to the very best of your abilities. Once you know those truths, and his baseline level of commitment and boundaries, then take some time to decide if that’s the life you want to lead. It may very well be that once it’s all laid out there for you, the relationship will be worth him having cyber sex with a sex worker. It could also be that you will never ever be happy in a relationship with someone who is doing that.

There are no judgements coming at you from us no matter what you decide. Relationships work in millions of different ways, at millions of different levels of sexual commitment—all the way from the couple who were both virgins when they met, to couples who are very happily polyamorous and everywhere in between. There’s no shame in you being okay with him live-chatting. I would only be concerned if you said you were okay with it when you truly weren’t, and either started lying about your comfort or putting him in a position where he feels he must hide it from you.

Your job now is to figure out what is going to be best for you. Then the two of you need to figure out how to best serve both your needs while respecting both of your boundaries. In this case, I strongly suggest seeking help from a therapist or couples counselor. A certified sex therapist would probably be even better.

If you can’t find a happy compromise, then you leave. Your happiness and sense of well-being is crucial here. Don’t push them aside because you’re telling yourself that his actions are somehow because of you.

He Said: If I had a dollar for every time we received a question about boyfriends/husbands watching porn I could treat myself to a decent night out on the town. Watching porn isn’t a relationship crime. Often, I can partially defend a boyfriend/husband porn-surfing with the explanation that men are visual, and their porn watching is merely a quick quenching of their aesthetic thirsts (and in most cases, this activity has no reflection on the passion/excitement between partners).

However, I can’t defend the indefensible. Live chats with porn girls is something entirely different. Your husband’s not just looking, now he’s interacting, talking/typing, exchanging, etc.. Only you can decide what’s cheating to you, but personally, I would consider this a form of cheating. Your husband is spending time with live women (through a computer screen), and his interactions are most likely of the seductive/flirtatious sort. Additionally, the time he’s spending live chatting with these porn girls, he could be spending on his relationship with you.

Regardless, it only matters how you and your husband define these actions. If you’ve already expressed to your husband how this behavior hurts you, he needs to explain himself and/or adjust his behavior. If he continues with his live chatting ways, either he doesn’t understand how much you’re offended, or he doesn’t care (or maybe he’s addicted to the attention). Giving him the benefit of the doubt (that he cares about you and is not a bad guy), make him understand! You’ve made it clear to us how much this behavior bothers you. Make sure you’re just as clear with your husband. Live chatting with your love should always be more satisfying than live chatting with strangers.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the advice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the advice women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well. 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Are Stay-at-Home Dads More Likely to Cheat?

There's a cultural shift happening in much of the world – stay at home dads. Their numbers grow as the line between gender roles begins to blur. It's not happening everywhere, obviously. There seems to be patches of these "Mr. Mom" communities throughout the world, and are predominantly liberal minded. Without stereotyping political views, there are some men unwilling to give up their "traditional" views on the role of men, and they are not reacting well to this cultural change. Vicki Larson takes an in-depth look into the world of stay-at-home dads.

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When GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s wife, Ann, touted mothers as the ones who “really hold the country together,” at the convention last week, she touched a nerve for a lot of us, and not in a good way.

Not only did women who are choosing to be childfree wonder where they stand in mattering to their country, but stay-at-home dads (SAHD) were equally pissed. As Mega SAHD blogger Mark Greene wrote for the Good Men Project, “We modern dads are not the stereotypical disengaged working men of fifty years ago who dismissed the work that mothers do. We do this work too, and we know it can be an ass-whipping.”

You bet today’s men aren’t like our dads were! There are more hands-on dads than ever before; some 1.8 million are single dads and 154,000 men are stay-at-home dads, according to recent Census figures, which means more men are “holding the country together” — or at least their family!

As Canada Research Chair in Gender, Work and Care and Brock University sociology professor Andrea Doucet writes in an article for Ottawacitizen.com, there were 60,875 Canadian stay-at-home dads in 2011.

These numbers indicate a three-fold increase since 1986, they also belittle the numbers of fathers who provide much of the daily care for children.

If you don't think that's a lot, keep in mind that this census excluded secondary, irregular, flexible, or part-time earners; part-time students; work-at-home dads (WAHD); unemployed job-seekers, the underemployed, and discouraged workers. Moreover, statistics that follow only husband-wife families exclude a growing number of single, divorced, and gay fathers.

But the question that needs to be asked is how many of those SAHDs actively chose that role and how many were forced into it by the economic recession.

After all our talk about the “new dad”, we still expect men to be the provider, although that is proving harder and harder for men in this economy. As journalist Hanna Rosin writes in “Who Wears the Pants in This Economy?”:

“It used to be that in working-class America, men earned significantly more than women. Now in that segment of the population, the gap between men and women is shrinking faster than in any other, according to June Carbone, an author of Red Families v. Blue Families. . . As the economy fails to fully recover, it’s unclear what will happen to traditionally male or female jobs, generally."

So what does that mean? Certainly, we should be celebrating more men being the hands-on caregivers, right? Not so fast!

According to Christin Munsch, a postdoctoral research fellow at Stanford’s Michelle R. Clayman Institute for Gender Research, the more economically dependent a man is on his wife, the more likely he is to cheat.

Munsch is among those contributing to a growing body of research on threats to masculinity, and is working on a book, Man Up: Masculinity Threat and Compensation in Young American Men. According to her research, Some men who experience threats to their gender identity overcompensate by resorting to booze and drugs, engaging in risk-taking behavior, become sexually aggressive, and express anger and aggression. And yes — they’re more likely to have an affair.

In an email exchange, I asked Munsch if we’re liable to see more cheating men as the numbers of SAHDs increase. "Probably," she notes. For men who “voluntarily, happily left the labor market to stay at home, they would not experience it as threatening to their masculinity or feel the need to compensate in response.”

But, she adds, “if more men are staying at home out of necessity, for example because of of job loss during times of economic downtown, then according to the theory they would be more likely to cheat.”

Well, great.

Of course, working women have many more opportunities to cheat (and are acting on it).

This article was originally posted on omgchronicles.

Editor's note: We all know why men might feel emasculated by being the stay-at-home dad – they were raised by a generation who still hang onto that macho, bringing-home-the-bacon mentality. Many men are changing the culture of masculinity, but others aren't ready for that yet.

For all the stay-at-home dads out there, you are doing your fatherly duty. You are providing for your family by taking care of it. We live in a society where our character is measured by income and wealth. Your masculinity can't be counted in dollars or hours of work. Man the stove, protect your children, be men, and be proud to be a stay-at-home dad.

Vicki Larson is a longtime journalist, writer, editor and freelancer whose work can be found in numerous places - websites, magazines, books, newspapers and now at GetLusty.com!

Vicki is a divorced co-parenting mother of two wonderful and tall sons.  She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and spends her time hiking or biking around when not behind her desk at the Marin Independent Journal, writing for numerous columns: Single Edition, Mommy Tracked, Huffington Post, ModernMom, and The Working Chronicles.

She is co-writing a book, "The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Cynics, Commitaphobes and Connubial DIYers" - a cutting-edge book challenging our one-size-fits-all, till-death-do-we-part version of marriage while offering a new model for who we are today.  She is a ravenous observer of people and explorer of places and reader of things and loves to write and share her findings about marriage, society, children - life.

You have read this article cheating / children / dads / kids / masculinity / parenthood / parenting / parents / relationships / stay at home dads / Vicki Larson with the title cheating. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2013/01/are-stay-at-home-dads-more-likely-to.html. Thanks!

Can You Cheat on Your Partner and Still Love Them?

We've said it before, there is no excuse for cheating. And if it happens? You have to make it right. What about for the person who's been cheated on, though? We've talked about what it's like to cheat from the cheaters. What we really love to bring into light is the love aspect of cheating partners. If they cheated, then that must mean they don't love their partner, right? It's never that easy. Author and Journalist Vicki Larson tackles this complicated matter.

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The big infidelity news this year was a story about 22-year-old actress Kristen Stewart cheating on her boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, with married “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders. If you even consider kissing and hugging cheating, which is all the tabloids caught them doing and all Stewart’s acknowledged. Still, it was enough to cause the 26-year-old Pattinson to declare he’s “heartbroken and humiliated” as he moved out of their L.A. home.

An interesting twist was that Stewart and Sanders apologized the day after the story broke — no denials, no lies, no spin. Stewart called the incident a “momentary indiscretion” and declared, “I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

Sanders’ apology to his wife and two children was similar: “I love them with all my heart.”

So, with all this love, love, love being professed post-make out session, the question that must be asked is — can you truly love someone and still cheat on him or her? It appears that, yes, you can love someone and still fool around on him or her if we are to believe Stewart and Sanders.

Wait a minute. Wouldn’t the cheater know that, if discovered, his/her partner would be hurt, humiliated, angry, sad, devastated? Well, yeah, unless they had an open relationship and they were free to canoodle with whomever. And wouldn’t the cheater be aware that he/she was lying to said beloved? Of course!

But as you probably already know, that doesn’t stop people from cheating. Loving a partner isn’t enough to stop some of us from fooling around.

So what’s going on? According to my chat with Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester and author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating, the college men in his study who cheated on their partners all said they loved them and didn’t want to lose them. The problem is they eventually want more — their partner’s love and sex with others.

At the point men enter into relationships they, too, think they want monogamy. It’s only after being in a relationship for months or years that they badly want sex with others. But by this point, they don’t want to break up with their partners because they have long-standing love. Instead of chancing that love by asking for extradyadic sex, they cheat. If they don’t get caught (and most don’t) it’s a rational choice.

Which means you can love your partner and still want to have, what he calls, hot meaningless sex with someone else. And, that’s what many people do — or, they just make out with someone they’re attracted to, a la Stewart and Sanders.

With all the neuroscience testing going on lately, we know, via brain scans, known as functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), that we are fully capable of having many kinds of love and that we may even be able to weed out those who would cheat on us one day.

But for now, we have to make some sort of peace with the idea of love, monogamy, and infidelity. Given what Pattinson has said in the past about love, I’m somewhat surprised by his reaction to Stewart’s make-out session:

“I think it’s to be with someone and let that person be herself. Each one has to live their own lives, but with the support of the other person. And you need to be able to do what you want. This is one of the definitions of a couple in love, because love is about so many other things.”

Needing to be “able to do what you want” is a pretty broad definition of love. Stewart acted on that by kissing someone she was attracted to while still being in love with her partner of four years. I guess she was able to do what she wanted, but just not that.

Oddly, many people are upset that Stewart is getting more flak than Sanders, who is married. One columnist wants to get Stewart off the hook entirely. We don’t like it when married people cheat, but are we saying that cheating in a long-term cohabiting relationship is less important/damaging than cheating in a marriage? That may prove to be be interesting as more people view living together as an alternative to marriage. Isn’t cheating cheating, regardless of marital status?

This article was cross posted with permission from Vicki Larson's blog.

Vicki Larson is a longtime journalist, writer, editor and freelancer whose work can be found in numerous places - websites, magazines, books, newspapers and now at GetLusty for Couples. Vicki is a divorced, co-parenting mother of two wonderful and tall sons. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and spends her time hiking or biking around when not behind her desk at the Marin Independent Journal, writing for numerous columns: Single Edition, Mommy Tracked, Huffington Post, ModernMom, and The Working Chronicles.
 She is co-writing a book, "The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Cynics, Commitaphobes and Connubial DIYers" - a cutting-edge book challenging our one-size-fits-all, till-death-do-we-part version of marriage while offering a new model for who we are today.  She is a ravenous observer of people and explorer of places and reader of things and loves to write and share her findings about marriage, society, children - life.

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3 Reasons Cheating Is Not An Option

Infidelity is highly destructive. Trust is very difficult to gain back once you loose it. Whether you want to pretend to be the other woman or discuss polyamory as an alternative to cheating, Drs. Chuck and Jo feel strongly feel that communication is the way to save your marriage. Going behind someone's back and cheating is never the true answer. Websites like Ashley Madison, try to tell us that they aid couples who have problems. We strongly disagree. Here are three reasons why cheating is not an option.

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Love isn’t dead, but every so often we read something that makes us think it might be comatose.

As the Internet dating world has exploded, with more than 40 million Americans having profiles on at least one of the key dating personal Websites, there is another kind of dating site that has popped up that just makes our blood boil.

Now, there are Websites that cater to married people who are seeking to have affairs with others. These sites guarantee anonymity and discretion and they create a feeding ground for people who have no problem with infidelity. What’s worse is that the founder of the most popular site — the Ashley Madison site with 13 million members around the world — is trying to defend the practice of having extramarital affairs as an aid to couples who are having marital problems.

To those of us who make a profession out of helping people solve their relationship issues, it’s like Charlie Sheen telling kids that drugs are good for you. So, if you have a moment, please allow us to dispel some of these inane arguments before they begin to take root and make some people believe that having an affair is just the shot in the arm their marriage needs.

#1 Cheating is not consensual 

Noel Biderman, the former lawyer and sports agent who founded Ashley Madison, has been making the interview rounds to promote his site. In one interview, he stated that non-monogamy has always been a part of traditional marriage, dating back to polygamists from the African tribes to the early Mormons. This is a false comparison, because that style of non-monogamy was consensual. Women who married men with multiple wives in those cultures knew they were marrying a man with multiple wives. They had full disclosure. An affair is an act of deception, which involves a married partner in a non-consensual act. They did not have a choice in their partner having another romantic partner — it happened without their knowledge of permission. So, that argument is a crock of ca-ca.

#2 It won't help keep your marriage or family together

In another interview, he tried to indicate that infidelity is good for marriage, because it’s all about sex. His contention is that someone who wants to have an affair because he or she is dissatisfied with their sex life would be selfish to forego the affair and just get a divorce. His idea is that marriages are often also about raising children and life partnerships, and sex is just one dimension. So, why get a divorce over the sex issue alone? Just have an affair and keep the family together.

There are so many things wrong with that argument, we barely know where to begin. First of all, an affair creates a breach of trust, which many families never survive. And if you don’t think an affair will never be revealed, ask Tiger Woods or Arnold Schwarzenegger how that concept worked out for them. Further, if the sex life is unfulfilling, that creates tension that children will see, making them unhappy, too. Moreover, there is another option other than having an affair or getting a divorce. It’s called working with your partner on increasing the quality of your marital sex life. I understand there are even counselors out there who can help them with that. We know a couple who seem pretty good at that, too.

#3 Cheating is not a wake-up call

The last argument he makes on the benefits of affairs is that they are actually good for a marriage because they can bring couples together. His viewpoint is that the affair acts like a wakeup call for a couple in crisis, and gives them the ability to come together to fix what’s wrong with their marriage.

What’s wrong with that marriage is that the trust has been broken, and repairing that trust now becomes the focal point of the work they have to do, not their sex life. In fact, many marital sex lives have a hard time recovering from an affair because the image of infidelity is very difficult for partners to overcome. It’s not that it can’t be done, but a couple that chooses instead to work honestly on fixing their sex life has far less work to do than a couple who must work on trust issues before sex can ever even happen again.

Our advice to married men and women who are contemplating an affair is to stop, take a breath, and examine what it would take to fix what’s wrong with your marriage first. If you can make it work, you should. If you try hard, but just can’t make it work, you should separate. But don’t sacrifice your integrity for a fling that will ultimately change your life for the worse.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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You Cheated. 4 Options to Make Things Right

Cheating. Many of our readers have either been cheated on, have cheated, or don't know but they have been cheated on! Can you imagine? Not knowing your lover has cheated on you? That would be horrible. Now imagine them coming clean. What should you do next? Here, we won't talk about the reasons why partners cheat. We'll only offer recommendations for choices after they've come clean. We hope there's still room for love. But love is about mutual respect and trust. Either way, O.M. Grey talks about the choices after cheating.

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You cheated. It’s done. It’s now too late to make another decision because you cannot erase the past. What are your choices? First, let’s define infidelity. As Dr. Phil says, “If you wouldn’t do it with your spouse standing there, it’s cheating.” (Again, really not a fan, but he does have some good advice on relationships.)

This includes, but is not limited to, online flirtations, propositions, cybersex or sexting, kissing, oral sex, and, obviously, intercourse. Unless you and your significant other (SO) have already defined sexual contact as genital to genital contact or penetration, assume that any of the above and more would be considered an infidelity.

Let me preface the rest of the post by saying that I’m not judging here. I will use some judgmental language, like betrayal, liar, etc., but that is because it is how your spouse will feel and it is the reality of what you’ve done. I’m not saying you’re a horrible person for your weakness or for your past choices, I’m just trying to give it to you straight.

So you cheated. It happens far too often, and unfortunately now your choices are much more limited than they were before. You do have choices, but none of them are good ones. It’s a complicated situation to which there is no easy way out.

#1 Come clean

Tell your spouse/significant other about the indiscretion and deal with their reaction. Their reaction will undoubtedly be anger and feelings of betrayal, because you did betray their trust and their love by your actions. They might very well end the relationship.

But often they won’t because they either don’t want to be alone or they don’t want to lose their family. Whatever their reaction, it is now up to you to regain their trust, and it will likely take years. Be prepared to deal with not only your self-loathing but your spouse’s self-loathing, too, as they’ll likely hate themselves for staying with you after what you have done. They will hate themselves for not having the strength to leave.

If they’re willing to keep trying to build a life together, ask them what you can do to make it better. Then do whatever they say. Start by being true to your word and telling them everything, no matter how small something might seem. Tell them. You will have to deal with their anger for a long time, and you will need to do whatever it takes to rebuild that lost trust, if it can ever be completely rebuilt. If you truly want to save your relationship, you will have to work very hard, for likely years before they fully trust you again. You can build this trust faster by being open and honest. I guess it goes without saying that it’s best to build intimacy before you step out.

#2 Don’t live in a lie

Your spouse has no idea that you cheated, and you’re not about to tell them. This might work, and they might never find out, but they usually do. Because once there is one indiscretion, there are usually more. Still, you can try it. But if they find out on their own, it will be far worse than you telling them about it and begging for forgiveness. If you decide to keep it inside, you will be living a lie, and that in itself can be soul-destroying. Many people live lies, and they seem to survive. I can’t really speak to what that’s like, but it must feel like a part of you has died. You will never truly been seen or accepted by your most beloved because they never get to see all of you. They’ll never know the real you.

People justify keeping things to themselves because they think that by confessing their indiscretion, it’s protecting their spouse from being hurt. They’re already hurt. They just don’t know it yet, at least not on a conscious level. But I guarantee they know something isn’t right. If you have kids, they likely feel it too. Children are very intuitive. They haven’t yet learned how to lie to themselves.

Still, hiding away is an option. But if you choose this option, please move forward by building intimacy with them now. For, as I mentioned, the first lie is the hardest. It gets easier after that, especially if you believe you got away with it.

You certainly can continue to have affairs, getting what you need from one or more extramarital partners. But that’s a very dangerous game of Russian Roulette. If and when it becomes known, the betrayal will be much deeper than if you had just come clean at the beginning because now you not only have the indiscretion(s). You now have the months or years (or decades) of deception on top of it. As I’ve said before, the deception is far more damaging than the sex with someone else. The deception, when your spouse realizes they’ve been forced into a living a lie and given no choice in the matter, is shattering. They might never recover from such a profound slight.

#3 Don’t immediately ask for an open relationship

This is almost as risky as the above choice, if not more so, because you are attempting to build trust on top of a lie. And this will only work if it was only a one-time thing and not ongoing with multiple extramarital partners. Follow the advice from previous posts and podcasts about healing your relationship. With some luck and a lot of work, you will get to the point in your relationship that you are so close and understanding that you might be able to come clean with much less fallout than at first. This is a real gamble, though.

I actually asked my husband about this scenario last night, and we couldn’t come up with a good solution. We are very close, and if he were to tell me he cheated on me before we opened our marriage six years ago, I’m not sure how I would react. It could go either way, really. I would either just say that the past is the past, and where we are now is what’s important because where we are now is beautiful. Or, I would wonder what other lies he has told. I would question everything, and it would be very difficult to get through it.

For me, there is no greater betrayal than deception, so it would likely be the latter. That said, I wouldn’t leave because of what we’ve built since. But there would be some difficult weeks thereafter. But it would be weeks and not years.

He, on the other hand, would probably take it in stride if it had been my indiscretion. So that’s why it’s a gamble. It really depends on the individual and their personality and the level of intimacy and trust in the relationship.

Bottom line, whichever of the above three options you choose, building trust and intimacy is a very essential part of moving forward, that is, if you want to save the relationship and respect your life partner.

#4 End the relationship

If you cheated because you are unhappy in your relationship and you don’t see a real future together, then do both of you a favor and end the relationship. You both deserve better than living a lie.

I often like to think of the future me when it comes to decisions like these. Do I want to wake up in 20 or 30 years and realize I wasted my life with someone, knowing that I might’ve found someone better for me? Knowing that I kept him from finding someone better for him? I haven’t ended many relationships, because there is nothing more important than relationships with others in my life. They are what makes this life worth living, really. Mutual love and respect. Although I have ended a few, I did so with as much love and understanding as possible. I was once engaged, years ago, and I could see our future would be one of painful mediocrity. I loved him dearly, still do, but I knew we would not be happy together. We’re still friends nearly 20 years later, and he has a beautiful family, and so do I. We are both happier because we ended our relationship, yet we are still special to one another.

I have watched friends live horrible lives with a partner, fighting daily. Toying with infidelity all from the safety of their primary relationship. Ultimately, it ends with a lot of pain and regret, but so much of that can be avoided if we can find the courage to be honest with ourselves and with those who mean the most to us.

You can, of course, continue having affairs, secretly, perhaps even unconsciously hoping that your spouse finds out. Perhaps you see this as the easy way out, basically because it won’t be your decision to leave. But, of course, you have already left the primary relationship, you just didn’t tell your spouse that you left. I have also watched friends end a marriage this way, and it’s a world of pain and not at all respectful of anyone else involved. Still, it is a way to end it.

Last month I wrote a post on how to end a romantic relationship with love and respect. Even if the romantic part is severed, you do not have to lose that person forever, especially if you share children. You will always be connected by your children, so it’s even more imperative to transition out of a romantic relationship into a lovingly friendly one. You’re stuck with each other for life, and if you want to do what’s best for your children, it’s to always treat their mother/father with the respect they deserve.

So these are the options as I see them. Can you think of another option one has after an indiscretion? I’d be happy to discuss others.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. The original post can be found on her blog.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship styles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like, Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine, and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

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5 Reasons Why Woman Cheat

When one thinks of a cheating spouse, usually it's of a man. But women cheat, too. In fact, according to the National Science Foundation, more married women are cheating on their husbands than ever before. Why? GetLusty advocate Dawn Michael MFT of the Happy Spouse is here to answer just this. Do you fear your spouse is cheating? Do e-mail us at reply@getlusty.com. We're here to keep couples together and promote amazing sexual relationships.

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Women reasons are slightly different then mens' 

The reasons a woman cheats may be different than why a man cheats. In this article we will look at the psychology reasons of why a women cheats. There are more women cheating in a marriage than statically calculated and that is because woman cheat differently than men and the men that woman are cheating with are less likely to blow their cover.

If the woman can keep her emotions in check with the man that she is having the affair with, he will most likely not pressure her to get out of the marriage or cause a problem in the marriage for her. Women are capable of this type of relationship. However, typically when this happens she will also begin to emotionally leave the marriage as well. A man can have an affair for the sole purpose of having sex. Whereas, only some woman might be able to do that.

Normally, a woman is more at risk for getting emotionally involved. Men are much better at placing their feeling aside and getting on with their day, whereas a woman will allow her emotions to take over and the relationship she is having outside the marriage can eventually consume her thoughts.

When a man does finally take notice that his wife has become distant and aloof and then suggests marriage counseling nine times out of ten it will be too late to save the marriage. When a woman cheats in a marriage it is typically much more devastating on the marriage than when a man cheats because of the emotional attachment.

Without ado, below are the five main reasons why a woman will cheat in a marriage.

#1 She's lonely

This woman may be married to a man who travels frequently for work, or in the military. He may also be just a man that is not emotionally available and unemotional in the marriage. The wife feels all alone and will look for someone who she can connect with on an emotional level. Eventually this may lead to a sexual affair, but even without sex, emotional cheating has already begun.

#2 She's not attracted to her spouse

This is a woman who probably has an active sex drive and needs to find enjoyment outside of the marriage. She could have possibly married her husband for money and not love. She has gotten bored with the relationship and is looking to have a little fun.

This type of cheating is most likely less emotionally involved and more about the excitement and sexual pleasure. This type of cheating is not one that is going to end a marriage and she may have numerous affairs through the life of the marriage. This type of woman is crafty and capable of emotionally shutting down when she needs to. Unless caught, she'll continue to casually cheat.

#3 Her husband puts her down

This is a woman who has been beaten down by her husband. He may be controlling over her or overly critical of her. If this woman worked outside the house, she may look for a man that can save her. She could actually be prey to another controlling man if she does not deal with her insecurity issues and problems at home. This is a very bad situation when children are involved.

#3 She wants/needs to escape

This may be a woman who is overwhelmed with her life. Too much responsibility, kids, home, husband, work, no time to herself and always giving and not getting in return. She may look to another man for distraction from her life, a way to slip out of reality and into a fantasy world. This could involve chatting on the computer, intimate phone calls and last minute getaway's. This can be both an emotional and sexual type of affair. The warning signs of this happening are usually quite evident if a man pays attention.

#5 She's living in a sexless marriage

Women have a sex drive too! The fact is women are perceived as 'not enjoying sex' or 'not wanting to have sex' with their husbands. This is not based on factual information for husbands; maybe the wife has rejected the husband one or more times and the husband shuts down. Either way, there are just as many women as men that enjoy a healthy sex life. When a husband is no longer wanting to have sex with his wife or sexually pleasing her, she may go outside the marriage for a sexual relationship. She may still be in love with her husband but is tired of living in a sexless marriage.


This is a post by Dawn Michael MFT. Dawn is an International Certified Clinical Sexologist and Marriage Counselor specializing in helping individuals and couples to have a healthy sex life, through communication, solution based counseling and home assignments. Visit her website The Happy Spouse for more information or to get in touch with Dawn. Find her on Twitter @SexCounseling.

You have read this article affair / cheating / controlling / Dawn Michael / distraction / emotions / husbands / loneliness / love / marriage / money / relationships / sex drive / sexless / spouse / wives / women with the title cheating. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/5-reasons-why-woman-cheat.html. Thanks!

What It's Like to Cheat?

Infidelity can be highly destructive for relationships. However, as much as we might not want to hear it, the people doing the cheating also experience pain. At GetLusty for Couples, we don't want to excuse any malice in a relationship, but we feel it is important to hear both sides. Luckily, Clarisse Thorn, the BDSM Feminist, is here to talk about how PostSecret postcards can help explain some of the behavior that might not be as selfish as we often think.

Disclaimer: Don't cheat. If you want to have an affair, please think about the consequences first. One option? Start to broach the subject with your partner. Just tell them you're attracted to someone else. Either way, don't participate in infidelity will nilly. There are alternatives for your interest in having sex with others. Could swinging be an option? Polyamory? You might not be there. What's most important in that situation is a strong line of communication!

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I’ve always had Strong Emotions and Serious Opinions about cheating, mostly due to background info that I won’t write about today. I’ve always maintained that it’s almost as bad to be the “cheating facilitator” — i.e. the person who a cheater hooks up with — as to be the cheater themselves.

I have also always maintained that it’s entirely possible to cheat even if you’re polyamorous: cheating means breaking the relationship agreement, it’s not about the exact mechanics of the sexual act. So, for example, say that you agree with your partner that you can both have sex with other people, but not kiss them. In that case, if you kiss someone else, it’s still cheating!

With age, however, I have become less fierce about the topic. (I guess people get less fierce about everything, with age.) I am now more willing to listen to reasons that cheating might happen, and what it means to different people. I still don’t advocate cheating, and I don’t think it’s right, but I can understand it better now.

Lately, I’ve been featuring postcards from PostSecret. It’s an online community art project to which people send postcards featuring a secret they’ve never told anyone. I’ve been reading PostSecret for many years, and I’m uncertain when I began saving postcards, so I can’t date the following cheater-derived images:

“I rationalized that having an affair was justified because my wife didn’t seem to trust me, whether I was faithful or not. I figured I had little to lose. I was wrong. I gave up being the guy who would never hurt her like that. Forever.”

This postcard resonates most with me, presumably because the writer seems to take the emotional harm he’s caused as seriously as I do.

“I’m sleeping with both of you so I can be both halves of who I really am: Innocent / Freak.”

Sometimes, a PostSecret card comes up that makes me wonder whether the writer is talking about cheating … or consensual non-monogamy. For example, maybe this person is being honest with all involved partners. I certainly hope so!

I have always figured that if there’s a sexual desire that can’t be met by a current relationship, then the first step should be to try and negotiate an alternative sexual outlet. For example, if this person desires some BDSM (as the image seems to imply), but has a partner who doesn’t want to do BDSM, then it’s totally legit to say “Honey, can I take on a BDSM partner outside our relationship?” — even if they’re monogamous most of the time.

I know that a lot of people don’t think that way, though. So, one of the first “cheating sympathies” I ever had was this: if a person asks their partner for something they feel is important, but the conversation is shut down or ignored … or even if there’s good intentions on all sides and many attempts have been made, but there’s no apparent compromise. In this context, I can understand why cheating happens.

“Because of my husband’s sexual dysfunction, I have been celibate for over a decade. I am not proud of my fidelity. I feel ashamed that I stay.”

This, right here. This seems like the perfect time for a careful conversation about sexual needs and an honest, straightforward request for an open relationship. However, I understand why that would be incredibly hard, and I feel bad for everyone involved. No one should have to feel trapped in a sexually unfulfilling relationship, but some people are terribly hurt by the idea that their partner would sleep with someone else, and it can be so hard to talk about

“I am a better wife when I cheat.”

I can … somewhat … see how a person would be a better partner, if they cheated in a situation where they felt like they couldn’t talk things through, and used that as an emotional “valve” to release stress and cope.

Well … maybe I can see it? It makes me uneasy. I’m always happier if I feel like everyone is truly being honest; and it seems like dishonest cheating should be the last resort (if that).

“I’ve been pumping iron for a year. My wife has said nothing, but other women do ….”

Here’s another postcard where it doesn’t say that the writer is cheating. It seems clear to me that the potential for cheating is a subtext, though.

It’s another situation that I can kinda understand? … but it makes me uneasy. This postcard feels like a symptom, not a solution. Writing a postcard about these feelings indicates big problems in the relationship that it would be good to actually talk about, you know? But on the other hand, I know it’s not always possible to talk things through; not always possible to deal with everything properly. I just hope that this guy has tried, in a genuinely careful way, with genuinely good intentions.

“I quit smoking because I wanted to fuck a coworker. After a hot 6-month affair, my wife knows nothing, but is proud of me for quitting smoking.”

Yeah, so the other postcards? I had some sympathy for all of them, even if it wasn’t much sympathy. But this one? I have to say I really don’t get it. I can’t relate. It doesn’t seem to have any ethics or anxiety in it at all.

It almost feels gleeful. Gross!

Cross-posted with permission from Clarisse Thorn's blog.

Clarisse Thorn is a Chicago-based feminist S&M writer who has lectured from Berlin to San Francisco, and written from The Guardian to Jezebel. She wrote a book about men, dating, and sex called Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser; she's also got a best-of collection called The S&M Feminist. She's always writing something new, so check out her list of books. Also follow her on Twitter @clarissethorn.

You have read this article cheating / Clarisse Thorn / for couples / loss of interest / love / monogamy / relationships with the title cheating. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/what-it-like-to-cheat.html. Thanks!

10 Must Read Books on Marriage

Marriage can be an intensely amazing but complicated experience and sometimes you need help and advice to guide you. We have already given you lists for things like best blow jobs and cunnilingus books to help you with your lusty sex life. Now we feel like it's about time for a list of books on marriage. The folks at GetLusty are confident that this list of 10 books will help you get through many of the speed bumps that may arise in your marriage!

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#1 The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Northfield Publishing, 2009
Author: Gary D Chapman

New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. 

Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction. A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can build a lasting, loving marriage together.

#2 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
Three Rivers Press, 2000
Author: John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

Another book by the best-selling author John M. Gottman, Ph.D, the Seven Principles is packed with practical questionnaires and exercises. He's written extensively on the topic and has interviewed hundreds--if not thousands of couples. He knows marriage! The Seven Principals is a definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage.

#3 Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Little, Brown and Company, 2008
Author: Sue Johnson

"In Hold me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson presents Emotionally Focused Therapy to the general public for the first time. Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond." (From the Amazon book description"

"Wonderful! Hold Me Tight blends the best in research findings with practical suggestions from a caring and compassionate clinician. This fabulous book will be of great benefit...to couples trying to find their way to better communication and deeper, more fulfilling ways of being with each other." (Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., author of "Parenting from the Inside Out")


#4 The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband
Scribner, 2012
Author: David Finch

"The warm and hilarious bestselling memoir by a man diagnosed with Asperger syndrome who sets out to save his marriage."

"In his deep desire to be a good husband, a better father, a decent human being who connects with and care for others, Finch tells a universal tale, a fulfilling and even inspiring story of the difference that love – genuinely giving love - can make in our daily lives.” (Deborah Blum, author of "The Poisoner’s Handbook")

#5 His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
Revell, 2001
Author: Willard F. Jr. Harley

In the classic bestseller His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses.

He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.

#6 Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
 Free Press, 2004
Author: Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

According to Dr. Shirley Glass, "the godmother of infidelity" (The New York Times), people today are cheating on their spouses more than ever before-especially in the workplace.

Dispelling common myths with compelling new research and case studies, "Not 'Just Friends'" is a groundbreaking chronicle of what occurs before, during, and after an affair: the danger signs, the vulnerabilities of even good marriages, and the step-by-step road to healing and protecting monogamy in the aftermath.

#7 Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry
Zondervan, 1995
Author: Lesle Parrott III

Are you tired of marriage books that sound like they were written thirty years ago? Do you want real, honest advice from a couple who knows the hopes and struggles of today's couples? Do you want to build a marriage that will last a lifetime? 

Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, created by relationship experts Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, is a comprehensive marriage program designed specifically for today's couples by a couple. And now, in this updated edition, the Parrotts' award-winning approach has been expanded to incorporate ten more years of feedback, research, and professional experience.

#8 Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
Owl Books, 1998
Author: David Schnarch

Passionate Marriage' is recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. With a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. David Schnarch accompanies his inspirational message of attaining long-term happiness with proven techniques developed in worldwide workshops to help couples develop greater intimacy. 

Chapters provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional roadblocks— from evaluating personal expectations to laying the groundwork for keeping the sparks alive years down the road, and everything in between. This book is sure to help couples overcome hurdles in their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.

#9 The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
Three Rivers Press, 2002
Author: John Gottman

"The Relationship Cure is another in John Gottman's superb series of books on  improving intimate relationships. What distinguishes Gottman's writing from that of other self-help books is that it is based on research findings from his extensive studies he has decoded the mystery of relationships.

"When he says his five steps will help you build better connections with the people you care about, you know that they have been demonstrated to work." (E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., professor of psychology, University of Virginia)

#10 Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
Plume, 1997
Author: Mira Kirshenbaum

A careful line of 36 questions and self-analysis techniques designed to get to the heart of relationship and marriage problems. This straightforward and practical advice is designed for newer and older relationships, and presents a plethora of information and experience in a clear, concise manner.

Andrew Ewald is a GetLusty writer who spends most of his time reading, writing, cooking, and watching RuPaul's Drag Race with his girlfriend. He graduated from Western Michigan University with a Bachelor's in in English. He might act like a square, but nothing is taboo with this character. Connect with him! E-mail him at andrew@getlusty.com.

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