10 Books to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

GetLusty for Couples is all about -- couples. Marriage is full of happiness and beauty until it's not. Heated arguments, mismatched libidos, and difficult transitions into parenthood can take it's toll on any couple. We've all been there; working through issues and traumas to have the best marriage. To continue with our favorite books on marriage, here are 10 more to help you have the best marriage possible and enhance your relationship. Think your marriage/ couplehood life together is amazing? Now is the perfect time to continue to work on having the best relationship. GetLusty staff writer Jason Estrada reports.

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#1 The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships
Author: Gary D Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas

According to ChristianBook.com, this book will help you identify your own language of apology and will clear the way toward healing and sustaining all your vital relationships. Through field-tested research the authors detail proven techniques for giving and receiving effective apologies.

"The authors stress that you need to learn the "language" of the person you are apologizing to: for one person, it may be expressing regret, while for another it's accepting responsibility or making restitution. Especially useful is the chapter that helps readers learn which language of apology feels most sincere to them." (Publishers Weekly)

#2 How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
Author: Milan Yerkovich and Kay Yerkovich

According to Amazon: In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich draw on the powerful tool of attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage.

#3 Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
Author: Stan Tatkin PsyD MFT and Harville Hendrix PhD

According to Amazon: Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurologically prime the brain for greater love and fewer conflicts. "Wired for Love" is a complete insider's guide to understanding a partner's brain and promoting love and trust within a romantic relationship. Readers learn ten scientific principles they can use to avoid triggering fear and panic in their partners, manage their partners' emotional reactions when they do become upset, and recognize when the brain's threat response is hindering their ability to act in a loving way. By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure.

#4 The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide
Author: Michele Weiner-Davis

According to Amazon: 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' offers candid and sensible counsel for couples with mismatched libidos. Seasoned sex therapist Michele Weiner-Davis skewers two stereotypes about sex in marriage. First, she jettisons the idea that husbands are hot and wives are not, giving examples of "low-desire" men in her practice. 

Next, she upends the longstanding model of sexual response and advises readers: "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual." The strength of her approach to the causes of sexual stalemate lies in her insights about the struggles of both partners. Her suggestions (how to break the ice, how to court your partner, nag busting, and the Hallmark solution) are not gimmicky and are presented as techniques for couples, not individuals." 

#5 Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
Author: Harriet Lerner

According to Amazon: Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology.)

"This book is an astonishing blend of down-home wisdom and clinical experience. I can't think of a better comprehensive guide to making marriage work for today's couples. Read it for your own relationship and give it to every newlywed you know." William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor at the University of Minnesota and author of "Take Back Your Marriage"

#6 Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment
Author: Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks

According to Amazon: Here is a powerful new program that can clear away the unconscious agreements patterns that undermine even your best intentions. Through their own marriage and through twenty years' experience  counseling more than one thousand couples, therapists Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have developed precise strategies to help you create a vital partnership and enhance the energy, creativity, and happiness of each individual.

#7 Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More and Argue Less As Your Family Grows
Author: Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, Julia Stone and Rosario Camacho-Koppel

According to Amazon: Babyproofing Your Marriage is the warts-and-all truth about how having children can affect your relationship. The transition to parenthood can be a tough adjustment for any couple, but the good news is: you are not alone. Better yet, there are hundreds of simple but effective ways you can stay connected as husband and wife and still be good parents. The authors' evenhanded approach to both sides of the marital equation allows spouses to understand each other in a whole new way. With loads of humor, compassion, and practical advice, the Babyproofers will guide first-time parents and veterans alike around the rocky shores of the early parenting years.

#8 Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce
Author: Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg

According to Amazon: New and revised, Fighting for Your Marriage is based on the widely acclaimed PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) approach. Groundbreaking studies have found that couples can use the strategies of this approach to handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds of breaking up.

#9 Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love
Author: Willard F. Harley

According to Amazon: How spouses treat each other has a tremendous bearing on the success and failure of marriage. In this completely updated and revised edition of Love Busters, Willard F. Harley, Jr., helps couples identify and overcome the most common habits that destroy the feeling of love, including selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits, and thoughtless behavior. Harley also explains how to resolve common marital conflicts such as career choices and financial planning. You can't eliminate conflict altogether, but once these Love Busters are eliminated, conflicts can be resolved with love and grace. With Harley's expert guidance, couples will be able to avoid those behaviors that tear a marriage apart and focus instead on building their love for each other.

#10 Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In
Author: Laurie Puhn

According to Good Reads, In Fight Less, Love More, readers will learn how to identify the bad verbal habits, instinctive responses, and emotional reasoning that can cloud judgment and ultimately lead to the deterioration of otherwise healthy relationships.

"With advice that is nonjudgmental, extremely efficient, and clearly understandable, Puhn covers all aspects of romantic relationships, from problems like infidelity to boundaries giving couples of every strip something of benefit. Eschewing frustrating vagaries, sweeping generalizations, and gender-based assumptions, Puhn's extremely specific guide focuses on simple, rational solutions that primarily revolve around maintaining respect for one's partner. Readers will gain a great deal from her contribution to the genre." (Publishers Weekly)

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. You can email him at jason@getlusty.com, or try his Facebook page.

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The Language of Polyamory

At GetLusty, we think monogamy is really sexy. But that's not to say there aren't other relationship options for couples. Take swinging or polyamory for example. But how do you describe polyamory? What is language do we use? Our favorite counseling couple, Chuck and Jo Ann Bird, are back to define some common phrases used to identify polyamorous couples or situations.

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We often talk about the language of love, and how each couple needs to find their own language, so to speak, to communicate their love and devotion.

But what if there are more than two people in that relationship? We've been writing blogs about polyamory and the practice of consensual non-monogamy. We’ve been doing it primarily to parallel the debut of a new Showtime docu-series, Polyamory: Married and Dating, which explores alternative relationship structures like poly. Today, we’d like to discuss the language of poly love.

While it’s difficult to define the poly experience, as there are so many permutations of poly and each poly relationship has a dynamic all its own, we know there are a lot of words and terminologies out there that help frame the general poly experience. So, we thought we might be able to shed a little light on what poly is by explaining some of the words used by those who live it — the language of poly love.

Let’s start with some of the categories of poly relationships. Please understand that we aren’t trying to define the experience of poly — just provide a basic working knowledge of the basics of poly relationships. Below are just a few of the terms used to describe polyamory:

Responsible non-monogamy: Any relationship which is not sexually and/or emotionally exclusive by the explicit agreement and with the full knowledge of all the parties involved. Responsible non-monogamy can take several forms, the two most common of which are polyamory and swinging, and is distinct from cheating in that everyone involved knows about and agrees to the activity. Responsible non-monogamy often explicitly spells out the conditions under which it is permissible for one person to take on additional partners, and often includes some form of safer-sex agreement such as a condom contract as well.

Triad or vee: Colloquial A polyamorous relationship involving three people, in which one person is romantically or sexually involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other.

Quad: A polyamorous relationship involving four people, each of whom may or may not be sexually and emotionally involved with all the other members.

Group marriage: A relationship in which three or more people consider themselves married to one another; in the polyamory community, most often a relationship involving more than one man and more than one woman, who may live together, share finances, raise children together, and otherwise share those responsibilities normally associated with marriage. A group marriage is not recognized by and has no legal standing within most Western countries, but may have symbolic or have emotional value to the people involved. Many people who believe in group marriage may create civil contracts and other legally binding business arrangements which specify the type and extent of financial commitments within the marriage, or even form a legal corporation which defines the marriage.

Open marriage/relationship: Any marriage or committed relationship whose structures or arrangements permit one or both of the members involved to have outside sexual relationships, outside romantic relationships, or both. The term open marriage is a catchall for marriages which are not emotionally or sexually monogamous; and may include such activities as polyamory or swinging. The term “open marriage” is sometimes used as a synonym for polyamory, though this is not necessarily the case; some relationships may be open but not polyamorous (as in some swinging relationships which explicitly ban emotional entanglement with anyone outside the relationship), and some relationships may be polyamorous but not open (as in polyfidelitious relationships).

Polyfamily: Colloquial 1. A set of polyamorous people who live together and identify as part of the same family. 2. A polyamorous group whose members consider one another to be family, regardless of whether or not they share a home.

Polyfidelity: (Literally, poly many + fidelitas faithfulness) A romantic or sexual relationship which involves more than two people, but which does not permit the members of that relationship to seek additional partners outside the relationship, at least without the approval and consent of all the existing members. Some polyfidelitous relationships may have a mechanism which permits adding new members to the relationship with mutual agreement and consent of the existing members; others may not permit any new members under any circumstances.

These terms make up the basic framework of how many poly couples and moresomes refer to their relationships, but for those who are on the outside looking into poly for the first time, they are a unique window into a different way of thinking about relationships.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

You have read this article Chuck and Jo / commitment / Communication / polyamory / relationships / sexual adventures / sexual experience / sexual exploration / stronger relationship with the title commitment. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-language-of-polyamory.html. Thanks!

Tell Your Partner Who Else You Are Attracted To

No matter how much you may love your partner, it's only natural to still notice other people you find attractive. Whether it's an innocent glance or a full on stare, you'll still look at others and let your thoughts wander. On the other hand, if you catch your partner committing such an act, it is only natural to assume the worst instead of figuring that its simply an innocent check-out. Dr. Jenn offers her advice on how couples should handle this issue in which the answer is not deterrence, but acceptance.

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“You know, I thought that the person who waited on us at the restaurant last night was hot and I noticed I was attracted to them.”

How would you feel if your significant other said this to you? Would you feel insecure about yourself and freak out with jealousy? That is the likely response for many people.

We generally believe that it is not appropriate to talk with our current partner about how attracted we are to someone else. We learn that jealousy is the appropriate and justified response, since we have the romantic notion that our partner should never notice anyone else. If they do, our insecurities kick in, and we assume it means that we are not lovable enough, special enough, or good enough, and our partner might leave us. While this interpretation seems to be natural, it is not the only interpretation available.

It is natural to notice people you perceive as attractive, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. Pretending that it doesn’t happen does not make those thoughts go away. I think it is important to keep the doors of communication open around topics like this. Otherwise, when natural occurrences like this become shameful or judged, they can become more powerful. What we resist, persists.

I am not suggesting that you should share every libidinous thought with your partner. It could be difficult and downright overwhelming to hear continual commentary about who arouses your partner. I think that tact is important in building comfort in sharing around potentially sensitive topics. It is also important to learn that when your partner finds someone else attractive, it is not a reflection on you.

Why am I even recommending this at all? Because I believe people would be less likely to cheat if they established a foundation of openness and trust in the beginning of their relationship by sharing such topics. When we admit that we feel attraction to others, share this with our partner, and then choose to remain committed in our partnership, it creates a bond of trust and honesty that can bring couples emotionally closer in the long run.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

You have read this article commitment / Communication / Dr. Jenn / marriage / monogamy / sexual adventures / Sexuality with the title commitment. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/tell-your-partner-who-else-you-are.html. Thanks!

5 Barriers to a Healthy Sex Life

As we all know, amazing sex is a big benefit of being in a committed, long-term relationship. However, sometimes sex can quickly turn into another stress rather than an enjoyable experience. What's standing in the way of us having an amazing life with our wonderful partners? Our good friends Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird, identified five common issues that can lead to an unhealthy sex life, and give recommendations that are sure to help you and your partner improve your bedroom time as well as your relationship as a whole. Are these 5 barriers holding you back? Read on!

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Scientists have confirmed that chocolate contains an enzyme that can set off the pleasure centers of the brain in a manner that is similar to the effect sex has on the brain. This explains why when some women are too tired for one, they’ll reach for the other — “Not tonight, honey, I have a Hershey’s.”

But what if she’s not tired? What if she’s just plain bored, or not interested in a sex life that isn’t what she imagined? Or maybe it’s not her, but her man sitting on the bed with his stash of M&Ms? This can be prevented, but it takes more than just avoiding the candy aisle at the supermarket. That’s why we’ve put together a list of the five most common barriers to a healthy sex life. If any of these look familiar to you, there is a way out.

1. Having negative/self-defeating thoughts about sex

These negative/self-defeating thoughts can come from anywhere (i.e. from your childhood, religion, past sexual experiences, etc.) and can really affect your sexuality. Some of us grow up thinking sex is dirty or sinful, while others are taught to be ashamed of their bodies. Remember, your thoughts cause your feelings and behaviors. If you have negative thoughts about sex, you will have negative feelings about sex, which will impact your sexual behavior.

The truth is, sex isn’t dirty — in fact, doctors all agree that it’s healthy! It’s good for your cardiovascular system, stress relief and even helps to fight off illnesses by increasing your body’s natural defenses. Sex is also good exercise, burning off as many calories as playing a set of tennis. Develop healthier attitudes about sex with your partner and stomp out those negative, self-defeating thoughts.

2. Focusing solely on performance and functioning

Often, too much focus and emphasis is placed on sexual performance (such as “Am I doing this right?” or “Is this how it’s supposed to be done?”) and functioning (such as “I must have an erection every time.”, “I must make this last a long time,” and “An orgasm has to happen every single time”). This can create undue pressure which can then cause problems in your sexuality. Worrying about performance can create self-fulfilling prophecies. The more we worry about these issues, the more likely they are to come up. Remember, our bodies are not perfect and will not work perfectly all the time and in every situation. Expecting perfection in our sexual performance and functioning will only lead to frustration and disappointment (see number 1 above). Instead, focus on the joy, fun and pleasure of sex, intimacy with your partner and the joy of pleasing each other.



3. Not owning your sexuality

It’s so easy to make your partner responsible for your sexuality. However, the truth is, YOU are responsible for your sexuality. You are responsible for whether or not you have an orgasm. It’s your responsibility to know your body and what feels good to you along with your sexual desires. It’s also your responsibility to share your desires with your partner. Making your partner responsible for your sexuality or even blaming your partner for sexual issues can create major problems in your relationship. It takes two to have a good relationship, so it also must take two to enjoy good sex.

4. Not talking to your partner about sex

We are always amazed at how many people in this country are comfortable having sex (in fact, lots of sex) but are uncomfortable talking about sex. It’s as if there is an unspoken rule: “Do it but don’t talk about it.”

If you can’t comfortably and openly talk to your partner about sex, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex. Establish a dialogue. Talk openly about the things that you like, and accentuate the positive, but downplay the negative. Make your partner feel good about the sex you have together, and your partner will make you feel good by doing the things you enjoy the most.

5. Not making sex a priority

Sadly, with many couples, sex is not a priority. Even worse, the relationship itself is not even a priority. Work, family, obligations and other “have-to's” always seem to get in the way At the end of the day, we wind up without the energy we need for our bedroom lives. Our favorite quote sums it up: “Where the attention goes, the energy flows.” If you want a healthy sex life in your relationship, then put more attention and focus into it. Make it a priority! Don't feel embarrassed to schedule sex. After all, if we can’t enjoy our relationships, why are we working so hard to make ends meet, anyway? For the joy of balancing the checkbook? Enjoy your partners and your relationships, because if you don’t, we guarantee you’ll miss them when they are gone.

Think about these barriers and work to overcome them. Be honest with your partner, but most of all, be honest with yourself. Don’t by shy about sex, and it will come more naturally to you and your lover.

Sincerely,
Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

You have read this article better sex / Chuck and Jo / commitment / emotional / empowerment / shame with the title commitment. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/5-barriers-to-healthy-sex-life.html. Thanks!