How to Avoid Fights Through Negotiation

The holiday season can be bittersweet. Couples spend a lot of money on Christmas (an average of $271 per child member, for example). Time spent with family and other issues can result in arguments. Don't get us wrong. Every couple argues. In fact, arguing can be very healthy for a relationship. But how to communicate effective--argue better--is really the key. Drs. Chuck and Jo Ann Bird are sexologists and counselors so they know a thing or two about effective communication in the context of couples. Want to communicate better with your partner? Read on.

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Saying that communication is the key to a healthy relationship is like saying that an engine is a relatively important part of your car. It really shouldn’t need to be said, anymore.

But knowing that and acting on it are two different experiences. If communicating well was such an easy thing for couples, then why do so many couples have trouble doing it? The truth is that speaking from the heart is one of the most difficult things we do. When we have disagreements with the ones we love, it can lead to very emotional conversations and arguments. Of course, we are only upset because we care and it matters to us how our loved ones feel. Nonetheless, it is easy to get caught up in strong emotions and actually fail to communicate our needs in a way that will generate a positive response from our partners.

That’s why we recommend to our patients learning an important skill: negotiation. To negotiate means to discuss something in order to reach an agreement, confer. Whether you knew it or not, you probably use negotiation skills on a daily basis, however, these skills become especially important when you are in a relationship that you want to thrive. Here are some basic negotiation skills that you can start using today:

#1 First, go into the discussion with the mind set of making it a “win/win”, instead of trying to convince your partner to give in to what you want. Remember, you’re a team. Thus, when one person loses, the whole team loses.

#2 Be clear and state what you want.

#3 Focus your request on behavior changes.

#4 Try not to immediately say “No.” Instead, make a counter offer.

#5 Be willing and open to compromise. This means both of you must be willing to surrender something you want.

#6 Continue until you reach an agreement with which you both feel comfortable.

#7 Honor the agreement.

Here’s how it sounds when we do it poorly and when we do it right:

Not using negotiation:

Husband: “I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “FINE! You ALWAYS want to spend more time with them anyway!”

Using basic negotiation:

Husband: "I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “I want to spend time with you on Friday nights. Instead of every Friday, how about you go out with your friends one Friday night a month?”

Husband: “I want to spend time with you too, but I also like to spend time with my friends. How about I go out with them every other Friday night?

Wife: “Okay, just as long as we spend quality time together on our Friday nights.”

The difference in those two examples is the tone and the manner in which the disagreement was addressed. The first example showed someone who wanted to communicate a disagreement with her partner’s plan to go out, but it was all emotion with no path to a solution. The second example showed she could still communicate the same disagreement, but in a way that promoted a compromise that ended with a positive outcome. He is able to spend some time with his friends, while she secured the quality time that she wanted with her husband.

All this skill requires is the ability to step back and think for a moment before you respond. It’s perfectly natural to feel strong emotions with regard to your partner. However, by communicating your viewpoint the right way, you can actually convey how you feel in a way that can leading to solving the dispute instead of escalating it to become a bigger one.

If you think you’d like to learn more about these kinds of communication skills, please contact us and we can “negotiate” a consultation.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”. They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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5 Simple Ways to Make More Love (vs. Just Sex)

Do you ever find yourself just having sex? Making love seems so far away. You may be slightly frustrated, but there are many simple ways to get back on track. In fact, making more love can be a relatively simple process. As Drs. Janelle and Rob Alex know, there are many ways to be sensual (versus just sexual) during your next sex session. And even focusing on making sex more sensual seems to bring some questions up. Including, what about making love? Want to make more love? Read on!

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If you are just experiencing the physical actions. The bump and grind. The sweating and huffing and puffing, you and your partner are truly depriving yourselves of the amazing gifts that you can share when you make love versus just having sex. Sure, there can be a good release from the pressures of work and life in general if you reach climax. But the benefits of the physical act are brief compared to what can be gained from opening your heart and experiencing your intimate activity with your emotions, too. And, even if you didn’t plan on it, when you open the heart you are given the chance to connect with your souls too.

Does your relationship seems to be in a good place except you feel like your sex life is suffering a bit? Then bringing the following suggestions into your love life can greatly enhance the lovemaking and move your good emotional relationship to a deeper level. If you are emotionally disconnected from your lover, then the following tips may be a start to reconnecting. But there may be much more work that needs to be done. There is no magic cure. Yes, there are love potions and spells and you can absolutely learn to direct your sexual energy towards manifesting all that you want in your life. But, it is vitally important that you understand that our closest relationships are opportunities for personal growth as well as spiritual growth. Want some simple ways to make more love?

#1 Quality vs. quantity

Being physically intimate with your lover can transform your life physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. When you enjoy great lovemaking you receive fantastic benefits. And, though we suggest you make love at least two to three times a week that may not fit into your lifestyle. What is even more important is the quality of each lovemaking session. Jumping between the sheets and bouncing up and down for five minutes to make sure you do it often enough will, in our opinion, bring more negative energy into your relationship than the closeness and deep bond most people desire. Take into account the rest of the suggestions in this article and make more love.

#2 Let down your guard

Becoming naked with another person. Allowing yourself to let go and reach climax let alone experience multiple orgasms makes you vulnerable. Few people realize there is great power in understanding and opening to your vulnerability. When you allow yourself to be truly vulnerable with your loving partner you can reach much higher states of erotic ecstasy. The fact, is that at some point in your physical intimacy not only you, but your sweetheart has or will encounter the sense of being vulnerable. We highly suggest that you let your guard down with one another.

Trust in each other and open to the possibilities of what that can offer the two of you. As we mentioned above, this does not necessarily just happen because you want it to. There is no off/on switch. You need to have good, loving, open communication with your partner and you need to create a safe and sacred space to make love. Letting your guard down emotionally with one another outside the bedroom will increase your chances of doing so within your lovemaking.

#3 Let go of expectations

Consider what you want out of your sex life with your partner. What do you expect to happen when the two of you get physical? Once you have sat with this question and pondered it and believe you have a pretty good idea of what you expect, we want you to let those expectations go. What your body wants, what your soul seeks, how easily sexual energy will flow through you is not the same day after day. This is true for your lover as well.

Therefore, having certain expectations going in can leave you seriously disappointed when the physical act is over. Do not make it your lover’s responsibility to pleasure you. Instead, take responsibility for your own pleasure while also holding yourself responsible for doing your best to bring your lover pleasure. Communication is key here too. Be aware of what is happening in the moment and respond to that for yourself and for your sweetheart.

#4 Be playful

Bring laughter and teasing and silliness into your relationship – inside and outside of your bedroom. Joke around, allow your goofy little inner child to come out and play. Forget the pressures of life for a bit, and share the special bond of friendship with your lover. You can even change your wording around sex. Instead of calling it “sex” or “lovemaking” or any number of other things from “doing the nasty” to “getting busy” call this fun and special time “intimate play”. You don’t always have to call it that. But changing the wording now and again offers you a different view of it. Also, it offers a chance to honor this time together and a chance to express your love in a unique way.

#5 Input = output

When you tap certain letters on your keyboard you probably expect certain words to show up on the screen. Of course, there are often times when you need to backspace and correct a typo. Why is that? Well, because what you typed in is what is going to show up. The knowledge you have, the skill you have in typing and spelling and grammar is going to dictate what happens upon your screen. Well, guess what? You can only offer the amount of love and compassion and excitement for your lover that you already have for yourself.

This is a big concept for a lot of people, but it is true. If you don’t feel worthy of love or pleasure, if you don’t have compassion for yourself, or if you don’t have a sense of excitement around your own life, then you cannot offer these things to your lover. At least, not beyond the depth of which you can do for yourself. This final suggestion to making move love and moving past just having sex means you have to start with yourself.

How much do you love yourself? (Emotionally. This is not about masturbation, though that is another suggestion for another time.) Can you feel compassion for you when you make mistakes, when you are suffering, when you look at your faults? Are you aware of your unique abilities and the great gifts you have to share with the world? Can you be excited about whom you are and what you have to give? Loving yourself more fully opens the door to loving your partner more fully and this will show up in your lovemaking and when you turn it into intimate play.

Bonus tip!

Recognize that making more love isn’t just about foreplay, sex toys, oral sex or intercourse. It is about touching your lover’s arm or back when you are in the kitchen or in public. It is about holding hands like you likely did when you first dated. It is about eye contact. There is a great deal of communication that the two of you can share without ever uttering a word during the normal day-to-day activities. Making love is about sharing a journey – the journey of your lives as well as the possible unique spiritual journey you may experience while engaging in your sexual activity.

You can honor each other during lovemaking. It is important that you do, but you can also honor each other and your partnership in an infinite number of ways that have nothing to do with sex. (*And, this will most likely not only deepen the quality, but it will likely increase the quantity, too!)

Any comments or questions? Feel free to comment below!



Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis. Follow them on Twitter @sexychallenges and Facebook.

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3 Must Read Books on Cunnilingus

Just in time for New Years! It's the holidays, and you might still be thinking about gifts for that special person in your life. Well, books are a good way to show you care--and note how much you love making love with them. You want you both to have better sex, so maybe your partner would like to read an oral sex book together? On top of that, we had a great response for other 3 Books on Giving the Best Cunnilingus. GetLusty writer Stephanie Vanderwall brings you 3 of the best books on cunnilingus.

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When it comes to blowing a woman’s mind, these authors know what they’re talking about! So pick your favorite, study up, and try out some new tips and tricks on that lovely lady of yours.

#1 Oral Sex That’ll Blow Her Mind: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Her Amazing Orgasms

By Shanna Katz

You can’t be a superstar sex partner until you’ve mastered the subtle art of cunnilingus. For starters, you need to get your timing down, learn what licks feel good and how to be sure your partner is truly enjoying your efforts. Luckily, Oral Sex That’ll Blow Her Mind teaches all this and a whole lot more. Whether you’re just getting started or are practically an oral expert, this book has just what you need. It’s packed with tips and techniques to improve those tingling tongue moves and features tastefully erotic photos of positions perfect for oral pleasuring. Oral Sex That’ll Blow Her Mind is far more than a set of skills. It explains how cunnilingus helps you feel connected with your partner (whether you are the giver or the receiver) and how to enrich that experience.

“I really enjoyed this book. Not only was it interesting and informative, it had a really fun tone as well. The author was definitely enjoying herself when she wrote it. Or at least that’s the sense I get then I see a lot of fun alliteration. I appreciated that the book covered a lot of topics from the rank beginner to someone more experienced. I would highly recommend this book to anyone wanting to improve their oral sex technique.” –Amazon Customer

#2 The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure 

By Violet Blue, forward by Margaret Cho

This 2011 Independent Publisher Awards silver medalist is truly the bible of oral sex. The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus gives excellent advice, encouragement, and helpful instruction to those who want to expand their expertise or are simply curious about the art’s finer points. In her clear, concise, and informative text, sex educator Violet Blue provides step-by-step instructions for going down on a woman, as well as accurate and up-to-date information on female anatomy and sexual response.

In her friendly, witty tone, Blue dispatches fascinating facts and discusses games for lovers, positions, safety, and a variety of techniques; she also offers erotic book and DVD recommendations, and tips for effective communication during the act itself. Featuring helpful illustrations and erotica by sexpert Alison Tyler, this is the essential guide to going down.

Sex advice blogger Susie Bright raves: “Violet Blue’s cunnilingus book is the best sheer technique manual I’ve ever read on going down.”

“I think this is a great book. My husband and I never experimented in this area for many reasons...mostly my own insecurity. This book opened my eyes in all directions. If you are looking for a book to help you in this area it is a good one. I have hunted all over and this is by far the best one! Have fun!” –Amazon Customer

#3 The Best Oral Sex Ever: His Guide to Going Down

By Yvonne K. Fulbright, Ph.D.

Eating out has never been so hot. Sexologist Yvonne K. Fulbright exposes the facts and fantastic tricks oral sex aficionados live by in her brazen how-to for men. This guide gives you the tools you need to thrill her every night, including: making cunnilingus the evening's main course or the first stop in a night of multiple orgasms, techniques from the sacred "Flutter of the Butterfly" to modern Oral Sex Acrobatics, how to overcome any woman's oral sex hang-ups, and how to broach the subject of wanting to give her oral sex—even when it makes her nervous.

Packed with the most erotic ideas for pleasuring her, this men's manual will send you running for the covers.

One satisfied Amazon reader says: “This is a fun book, and even better if you have someone to practice on :-) I haven't completely finished it, but so far it's been very informative; a nice balance between being too clinical on the one hand, and too lewd / crude on the other.”

“Great book for learning some finer points to this subject! I learned a lot of new things and my wife benefited! Did talk about some things I already knew yet some might not. 
I strongly recommend this manual because it does meet its purpose plus!” –Barnes & Noble Customer

Stephanie has long believed she is a gay man trapped in a woman's body. She is a lover of good food, good sex and good grammar. A recent transplant to Chicago, she spends her free time with her super-duper-fly boyfriend and their three "kids" (2 cats, 1 dog). She has a blog she writes in every so often. She's still trying to get the whole Twitter thing down, but you can follow her @Vanderfloozie. Want to get in touch with her? Email stephanie@getlusty.com.

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3 Ways to Use Sacred Sex for Healing

Let's face it, lusty readers, our country was founded by puritans. Even today, sexuality is looked at by most with a negative stigma. Many couples are burdened with boring sex because we believe sexuality is just plan bad. It doesn't have to be that way. As our friend Devi Ward has noted before, sexual shame can happen to everyone. Whether you've dealt with big or small stressers to your sexuality, sexual healing isn't just for Marvin Gaye. Sacred Sexuality Experts and Teachers Drs. Janelle and Rob Alex sheds some light on Sacred Sex, and it's healing potential.

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American culture has a fairly negative attitude around sex in general. There is also a great chasm between sex and spirituality. Many believe it is a dirty and sinful act. What is the expression – “sins of the flesh”? Therefore, we are often told not to have sex unless we are married and even then there are those who believe it should be done hurriedly just to get it over with or maybe only done with the goal being to procreate.

Sex is a time when we are most vulnerable – physically and emotionally. Yet, it is also a time that we can become most open spiritually. You can pierce the veil between the Earthly plane and the spiritual dimensions when you transform the physical act of sex into a sacred lovemaking experience. In fact, you can heal emotionally, sexually, energetically and physically.

Sadly, there are a vast number of men and women who have experienced sexual abuse in one form or another. These experiences include things such as childhood molestation, sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape. There can also be great consequences for individuals due to the negative attitude and/or the way sex is used to encourage potential consumers to purchase products from cars to shoes.

Is it really possible to move past the stigma that has been placed around sex and transform it into a sacred and healing experience for yourself and within your relationship? The short answer is yes. Below you will discover three ways to help you start the healing process by experiencing sacred sex.

Expectations

The first thing you need to do is to understand what sex and lovemaking means to you. What are your expectations? What are your wants? Your desires? What emotions do you have around the act of sex and lovemaking? Have you had any negative sexual experiences? Were they traumatic for you or someone close to you? Do you feel there is more to sex than you have experienced to this point? Do you initiate sex with your partner? Do you believe it is okay for you to experience pleasure? Do you think you deserve it? Is your partner’s pleasure your responsibility? Should you be satisfied with your sex life? Is it okay for you to want to experience new things and be adventuresome?

The cells in your body have consciousness and therefore, when you experience things those memories and that knowledge can get stuck within the body. These are called holding patterns. They are not necessarily stored in places you might expect. It is possible for these memories to be stored in your right calf, your left wrist, or simply wherever your body chooses to hold on to it. These holding patterns can block the natural and easy flow of energy within your body and they have an impact on your expectations.

Right now, as you are reading this, stop and become aware of your body. Do you feel tightness in your shoulders, nervousness in your stomach, or a cramp in your foot? How are you breathing? Is it different than normal? What you feel may be totally different from these suggestions – just make note. Do not judge yourself. Simply become aware. Truly becoming conscious of your body and how it feels and reacts is the first step to moving towards healing. Your body will offer you great insight if you are willing to pay attention and listen.

Now, take out a notebook and go back through the handful of questions mentioned above in regards to your expectations around sex. Allow yourself to write freely – no matter what comes to you write it down. As you are doing this take time to stop periodically and notice your body again. Are there changes? Write down how your body feels as you move through this exercise.

If you are in a relationship, it is vitally important to uncover what his/her expectations are as well. Do not pressure your partner, but it can be very helpful to you, both, if he/she is willing to join you on this healing journey. It is also important to consider what you believe your partner’s expectations are as well as what you believe your lover expects or wants from you.

*If you uncover things that you do not feel capable of handling, seek a counselor who specializes in sex therapy and/or transpersonal psychology.

Solo healing

Once you have a better understanding of your expectations you can begin to move forward with solo healing. Depending on your individual needs you may be ready to touch yourself sensually and explore your body with your hands. Yet, it is perfectly okay to not be ready for this. Either way, begin to pamper yourself and your body.

Eat healthy, exercise, get a fresh haircut (or an entire new hair makeover), wear clothes that make you look and feel good, etc. Anything you can do for yourself that makes you feel cared for, pampered, and loved is something you should do. You can even court yourself or date yourself. Take you to see a movie, eat a nice meal, visit the zoo or an art museum, or relax in a bubble bath with a good book. Get to know you again before you move into touching yourself in a sexual way.

When you feel ready, schedule some time when you will feel safe and secure without interruptions. Begin to explore your body with your hands. You may also stand or sit in front of the mirror as you allow your eyes to roam over you. This is a non-judgmental experience. As you look and feel your body, honor it, appreciate it, and thank it for working hard as a vehicle for your soul to use to move through the journey of life.

The more connected you are to your body and the more accepting you are of it the more likely you will be able to fully move into this sacred sexual healing.

Shared life force energy healing

Sex and lovemaking with your beloved partner are really a blending of your souls and an exchange of your life force energy. Transform physical sex into sacred sex with your beloved by agreeing to enter into a lovemaking session without having the goal be orgasm or climax. This removes any potential pressure and allows both of you to expand your conscious awareness of each other. It allows you to open your heart and your soul as you move towards the gateway to Divine access.

Take turns focusing on one another’s bodies. Become fully aware of your lover’s reactions and responses. What makes him/her uncomfortable? What brings him/her pleasure? Remember this does not need to be sexual pleasure, but instead physical pleasure that allows your sweetheart to relax into the moment and connect with the life force energy with his/her soul as well as with yours.

Adjusting your breathing can also offer you amazing opportunities to relax and connect with Spirit. See a previous post we shared on 7 Ways to Use Breathing to Improve Sex.

As you become more fully present and relax, your sexual energy, which is the life force energy we mentioned, will begin to flow more easily through your body. With the flow of this energy you may begin to help some of your holding patterns break free. This can help you release guilt, fear, shame and self-judgment.

Healing is not a snap of your fingers and it magically happens sort of thing. It takes time. Therefore, when you begin to gain awareness of your expectations be certain that you do not expect one or two sessions of sacred sex to suddenly heal your wounds. With awareness, understanding, appreciation, and love for yourself and your lover you can start the healing process via your spiritual lovemaking.

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis. Follow them on Twitter @sexychallenges and Facebook.

You have read this article couples / sacred sex / sexual education / sexual experience / tantra with the title couples. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/12/3-ways-to-use-sacred-sex-for-healing.html. Thanks!

Couples! 7 Hot Holiday Activities for Christmas Week

Who can believe Christmas week is here in full swing?! What better time for holiday-themed happiness than right now? Don't let the romance slip away during these next few months. Instead, rev up your love life this holiday season with these seven sexy and romantic tips that will surely heat you up! Who needs a Snuggie when Sandra Koellmann is here with even sexier ways to heat up your love life? Read on and find out more!

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#1 Holiday lights in the bedroom

Those strands of little lights don’t have to just be for holiday decorating in the family room. Try using some lights in the bedroom! Put them on the headboard and foot board of the bed or wrap them around the bed frame. Try mounting them on the ceiling or stringing them up around the dresser. No matter where you hang them, they will create some romantic mood lighting.

#2 Hide and seek

Generally, we’re either the person who hides the surprise or we’re the person who finds the surprise. Be spontaneous this holiday season! Instead of hiding or seeking gifts, play hide & seek with each other. Here’s how it works: one of you hides in a room of the house where you would like to have sex. Once the other person finds you, they get to pick a sex position they would like to try. One person gets to pick “where” and the other person gets to pick “how”... it’s a win for both of you! Be even more adventurous and try it at night with the lights off.

#3 Dinner party for two 

During the holidays we generally focus on parties with family, friends, and co-workers. This year, try having a party for just the two of you! You can shop for dinner together, and you can cook dinner together. Heck, you can even feed each other dinner! 

You can even try decorating the dinner table and dining area together. Afterwards, make sure to do the dishes together. Dipping your hands together in warm, sudsy water can be stimulating. Have fun with it! But do the dishes later. They can wait until after you’ve had dessert in bed!

#4 Picnic by the fireplace

Who says picnics are for summer days at the park? Try bringing that picnic indoors this winter. Take that warm blanket you usually bundle up with when watching TV and throw it down in front of a warm fireplace. If you think dinner by candlelight is romantic, wait until you’ve had dinner by the fireplace! And don’t forget to roast marshmallows for dessert.

#5 Peppermint foot massage

A massage that smells as good as it feels! This gives new meaning to the words “aromatherapy” and “couples massage”. Find a nice foot massage creme that is infused with peppermint oil and lie down on a bed or couch.

Each of your heads will be at opposite ends. Your feet should be facing towards the other person’s head. Massage each others feet at the same time. It’s as simple as that. This is a great way to relax together!

Alternatively, try it while watching your favorite movie or even your home movies! You don't necessarily need to face your partner. You could give each other a massage one at a time. Do you have video or pictures together? You haven't seen those in a while!

#6 Naked ho ho home cooking

This Christmas, surprise your partner by cooking his or her favorite meal. Add a little extra surprise by wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a holiday apron. And make sure you’re wearing a bow under that apron because, at some point, the apron will come off! You can even decorate yourself and the table with mistletoe. And don’t forget to hang some of that mistletoe over the bedroom door and bed!

#7 The $5 shopping spree 

Expectations about the gifts our partner will get us, can some times be a bit high. To relieve some of the pressure try this. Go to your local Dollar Store together and only take $5 each. Give yourselves 30 min or less to shop. And remember - it’s the thought that counts! The rules: each of you pick out four gifts for the other person (silly, sensual, sincere, sexy and sentimental). 

Avoid going down the same aisle at the same time, avoid paying at the same register. Keep your gifts a secret until you unwrap them together at home. Feel free to exchange gifts alone in the bedroom before you go to sleep. Then, take turns exchanging one gift at a time until all four gifts have been given. Be sure to tell your partner what made you choose the gift. This gift-giving time together can be very intimate. You’ll laugh together and maybe even cry together. But most of all, you’ll love together. 

These activities are a great way to connect with your partner this holiday season. Just be sure to re-connect as often as you can after the New Year. Remember, the couple who plays together, stays together!

We believe that anyone in a committed, loving relationship can benefit from Passion Parties’ products. Our line of love potions, sensual accessories, and adult toys open lines of communication and add an exciting new dimension of pleasure and fun. Simply talking about sex and trying something new often leads to a renewed passion that is both fulfilling and re-energizes your sex life. If you’ve ever thought that passionate monogamy might be an oxymoron, then let us show you how to reconnect with your sexy side.

Speaking of a hot holiday, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty. 

Sandra Koellmann is a Sexuality Educator in the San Diego, CA area. She earned her B.A. degree in Human Development Counseling Services with an emphasis in Human Sexuality from California State University San Marcos. She is a graduate of the National Sexuality Resource Center Summer Institute at San Francisco State University. Sandra also completed the SAR (Sexual Attitude Restructuring) program at The Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco.

Sandra has worked with the Hope & Wellness Center through Student Health and Counseling Services at CSUSM as an “Ask the Sexperts” lecture presenter. She also worked as a behavioral science teaching assistant at CSUSM helping students develop projects that explored sexual health and sex education. Sandra was also a volunteer with the LGBTQA Pride Center at CSUSM.

You have read this article advice / couples / date ideas / fall / holidays / love / massage / romance / Sandra Koellmann / tips / winter with the title couples. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/12/couples-7-hot-holiday-activities-for.html. Thanks!

Interview! Erika Lust Talks Feminist Porn

Erika Lust is amazing as a feminist pornographer. Starting in only 2004, her films became explosively popular within several months. Why? She has a unique, sexy and dare we say, lusty, style. Lust Films has had prolific success and as you'll see Erika's passion is likely the biggest reason for the success of Lust Films. And what better way to solute this gorgeous, talented and incredibly smart woman than finding out more of her perspective on why she's so passionate? Read on!

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1. What is your definition of ‘feminist porn’?

Feminist porn is in direct opposition with most of the other kinds out there. It’s mission is to represent the female voices that are so absent from mainstream porn, yet so needed in order for pornography as a whole to represent anything close to an actual, positive sexual experience. Feminist porn is created in an effort to give power and importance to women’s sexuality.

2. What are the major differences between the porn you make and mainstream, male-dominated porn? How do your films aim to challenge stereotypes?

There are so many differences; I hardly know where to start! The whole reason I decided to make films is because of what I saw lacking in the mainstream industry. What’s immediately noticeable is the technical quality – I shoot everything with top-notch HD cameras, give major importance to lighting, and invest my time in finding great locations, sets, and musicians for the original soundtrack during a lengthy pre-production phase.

Another large part of pre-production is casting, which I spend more time on that I expect any mainstream director to. I’m not particular about looks so long as they are natural, people like you and me, but am very specific about attitude when I interview. Do they like their job? Their body? Sex in general? Do they hide their work from friends and family? Do they do it for the money only?

The answers to these questions really determine whether or not we’ll work well together, which effects the whole film. The actors have to be right for the role, which is something I think that sets me apart from mainstream films. I really do want to make films where the story is pivotal to enjoying the film. Without this, the sexual situations just seem ridiculous! The final thing I get a lot of good feedback on, besides the natural-looking actors, is the natural sex. I try and portray something akin to the type of sex people are actually having – none of this athletic, choreographed, fantasy sex for fantasy’s sake alone.

3. The films you make are often highly artistic. What’s your reasoning behind that?

It has always been my goal to merge traditional filmmaking with explicit content. Most filmmakers (in the US anyway) spend lots of time and money on aesthetics, characters, stories, and shy away from sexual content for ratings & audience reasons. Even if the sexual content is extremely graphic, as long as it’s not totally explicit, it’s acceptable. Meanwhile in mainstream porn, there is an obvious lack in any of the qualities listed above, but an abundance of sex, sterile and scripted though it may be. It’s either one or the other these days, with just a few notable exceptions: titles like 9 Songs, Shortbus, and Matinee. It’s among these pioneering directors that I wish to create, which means I strive for harmony between quality camerawork, an original soundtrack, fresh stories and scripts, rounded characters, believable situations, and beautiful sex.

4. What are some misconceptions or myths about the porn industry that you wish to debunk?

I think the single biggest misconception that I have to debunk regularly (to people’s disappointment), is that I am indeed running a business. People assume that, because I’m in the adult industry, that sexy naked people run around Lust Films having dildo-fights or something. I have to explain that, no, it’s an office – my time on the set while making a film is miniscule compared to the amount of time I’m at my desk or traveling – where regular staff, not actors, are hard at work. Sorry! We do have a lot of fun, but everyone is fully clothed, and very professional.

5. Are your films made specifically for women or do they aim to connect with an audience that includes men as well?

I started out making films that communicated my vision of sex and the erotic, and because it was a feminine view, I attracted an enormous following of women viewers. The original aim was to offer something that appealed to women, since so little of the adult industry is concerned with that. In the years since releasing my first film, a significant number of men have joined my following as well. And after women, couples are my greatest viewership. I think this shows that my films appeal to anyone who wants something different from porn, and I’m glad that both genders are included in this.

6. Do you think feminist porn is couples-friendly?

Absolutely! I get a ton of positive feedback from couples saying that they had a great experience. Whether it was the first time they’d ever explored porn together, or just the first time they’d seen that specific film, they enjoy our films! Watching an erotic film together could be the ultimate fantasy for some people, or it may open doors to new ones – like exploring fetishes, trying new positions or even making a film of one’s own! The key here is communication, and watching films together can really get the ball rolling, especially if you’re having a hard time explaining what you want, or what you fantasize about trying.

7. What do you think the future holds for the small but growing feminist porn market?

The term ‘growing’ is key here. All different types of indie porn are expanding thanks to the modern producer-consumer relations, technology, and sheer exposure. As the audience expands, more quality, varied films will exist, so that maybe someday everyone can find a type of erotic content that suits them. I think the future will see more indie films becoming household names (like those from the ‘golden age’), a massive increase in women enjoying porn and erotica, more interest and sales in products for female pleasure, and the overall re-thinking of human sexuality to include more feminine elements.

8. What are you excited about in the next 6-12 months?

I am in the middle of a few projects at the moment, so there’s a lot to be excited about! An erotic novel I just finished should be published early in the New Year. I’m also in the pre-production status with a new film, which will be completely unlike my others in a lot of ways. You’ll have to stay tuned for more updates on those!

More about Erika Lust

Erika Lust is an award-winning writer and erotic film director. She was born in Sweden in 1977 and currently lives in Barcelona, where she founded Lust Films in 2004.

Erika made her first film, The Good Girl, in 2004. The Good Girl, was distributed for free on the Internet and downloaded 2,000,000 times in the first few months after its release, winning the NINFA prize for the Best Short Film in the 2005 Internacional Erotic Film Festival in Barcelona (FICEB). With such a great response to her first film, she quickly moved on to bigger projects.

In 2007, Erika wrote and directed her first feature film, Five Hot Stories for Her, a compilation of five short films created specifically for women and couples. The Good Girl was included in this quintet. Five Hot Stories for Her took away the prize for Best Screenplay at the Barcelona Erotic Cinema Festival (2007), Best Film for Women at Venus Berlin (2007), Honourable Mention at CineKink New York (2008), and Film of the Year at the Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto (2008).

Next came Barcelona Sex Project, an independent experimental documentary exploring the lives, personalities, and orgasms of six Barcelona residents, which was awarded Best Erotic Documentary at Venus Berlin (2008) and an Honourable Mention at the Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto (2009); Life Love Lust, the highly anticipated follow up to Five Hot Stories for Her, and the publication of three books: Good Porn, The Erotic Bible to Europe, and Love Me Like You Hate Me. Erika’s latest film, Cabaret Desire, was released in October 2011. An adult film set in Barcelona’s ‘Poetry Brothel,’ she’s fond to call it “my biggest project to date, my best, I think, and my most personal.”

From there, Erika has worked on numerous other films, of which you can find out more on Lust Cinema. Also, follow Lust Films on Facebook and Twitter @erikalust.

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Our 10 Fav Romantic Pics of Couples from Tumblr Today (Some NSFW)

We love Tumblr. We're tumbling more lately on GetLusty's Tumblr page. Our favorite pictures of the day. After reviewing our Tumblr feed, we saw some pretty lovely pictures. Erotic, hot and sexy. So we thought in true GetLusty for Couples fashion--we'd share!

Speaking of social media, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty.

The romance & light. via http://mimisimpsongrey.tumblr.com/

The cheek. via http://gary-gertta.tumblr.com/

It's winter! The snow! via http://d-arkshadow.tumblr.com/

The table. via http://lilobserversam.tumblr.com/

Adorable! via http://picturesofnakedmen.tumblr.com/

Love is love. via http://kevinalmns.tumblr.com/

Beautiful bodies together! via http://blackerotica.tumblr.com/

The kiss. via http://touchmeslowly.tumblr.com/

Just happy! via http://kevinalmns.tumblr.com/

Even more happiness! via http://wantasweetlove.tumblr.com/

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Can You Cheat on Your Partner and Still Love Them?

We've said it before, there is no excuse for cheating. And if it happens? You have to make it right. What about for the person who's been cheated on, though? We've talked about what it's like to cheat from the cheaters. What we really love to bring into light is the love aspect of cheating partners. If they cheated, then that must mean they don't love their partner, right? It's never that easy. Author and Journalist Vicki Larson tackles this complicated matter.

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The big infidelity news this year was a story about 22-year-old actress Kristen Stewart cheating on her boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, with married “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders. If you even consider kissing and hugging cheating, which is all the tabloids caught them doing and all Stewart’s acknowledged. Still, it was enough to cause the 26-year-old Pattinson to declare he’s “heartbroken and humiliated” as he moved out of their L.A. home.

An interesting twist was that Stewart and Sanders apologized the day after the story broke — no denials, no lies, no spin. Stewart called the incident a “momentary indiscretion” and declared, “I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry.”

Sanders’ apology to his wife and two children was similar: “I love them with all my heart.”

So, with all this love, love, love being professed post-make out session, the question that must be asked is — can you truly love someone and still cheat on him or her? It appears that, yes, you can love someone and still fool around on him or her if we are to believe Stewart and Sanders.

Wait a minute. Wouldn’t the cheater know that, if discovered, his/her partner would be hurt, humiliated, angry, sad, devastated? Well, yeah, unless they had an open relationship and they were free to canoodle with whomever. And wouldn’t the cheater be aware that he/she was lying to said beloved? Of course!

But as you probably already know, that doesn’t stop people from cheating. Loving a partner isn’t enough to stop some of us from fooling around.

So what’s going on? According to my chat with Eric Anderson, an American sociologist at England’s University of Winchester and author of The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating, the college men in his study who cheated on their partners all said they loved them and didn’t want to lose them. The problem is they eventually want more — their partner’s love and sex with others.

At the point men enter into relationships they, too, think they want monogamy. It’s only after being in a relationship for months or years that they badly want sex with others. But by this point, they don’t want to break up with their partners because they have long-standing love. Instead of chancing that love by asking for extradyadic sex, they cheat. If they don’t get caught (and most don’t) it’s a rational choice.

Which means you can love your partner and still want to have, what he calls, hot meaningless sex with someone else. And, that’s what many people do — or, they just make out with someone they’re attracted to, a la Stewart and Sanders.

With all the neuroscience testing going on lately, we know, via brain scans, known as functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), that we are fully capable of having many kinds of love and that we may even be able to weed out those who would cheat on us one day.

But for now, we have to make some sort of peace with the idea of love, monogamy, and infidelity. Given what Pattinson has said in the past about love, I’m somewhat surprised by his reaction to Stewart’s make-out session:

“I think it’s to be with someone and let that person be herself. Each one has to live their own lives, but with the support of the other person. And you need to be able to do what you want. This is one of the definitions of a couple in love, because love is about so many other things.”

Needing to be “able to do what you want” is a pretty broad definition of love. Stewart acted on that by kissing someone she was attracted to while still being in love with her partner of four years. I guess she was able to do what she wanted, but just not that.

Oddly, many people are upset that Stewart is getting more flak than Sanders, who is married. One columnist wants to get Stewart off the hook entirely. We don’t like it when married people cheat, but are we saying that cheating in a long-term cohabiting relationship is less important/damaging than cheating in a marriage? That may prove to be be interesting as more people view living together as an alternative to marriage. Isn’t cheating cheating, regardless of marital status?

This article was cross posted with permission from Vicki Larson's blog.

Vicki Larson is a longtime journalist, writer, editor and freelancer whose work can be found in numerous places - websites, magazines, books, newspapers and now at GetLusty for Couples. Vicki is a divorced, co-parenting mother of two wonderful and tall sons. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area and spends her time hiking or biking around when not behind her desk at the Marin Independent Journal, writing for numerous columns: Single Edition, Mommy Tracked, Huffington Post, ModernMom, and The Working Chronicles.
 She is co-writing a book, "The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Cynics, Commitaphobes and Connubial DIYers" - a cutting-edge book challenging our one-size-fits-all, till-death-do-we-part version of marriage while offering a new model for who we are today.  She is a ravenous observer of people and explorer of places and reader of things and loves to write and share her findings about marriage, society, children - life.

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