2 Quick Things Not to Forget for Better Intimacy

There are so many ways we get out of touch with our partners. During this time of the year, we can sometimes forget how important it is to re-connect with our partners. In the midst of new year's resolutions, we might forget love. No, no says GetLusty! Thank goodness our friend Devi Ward, our friend and also a Tantra expert, is back with some quick pick-me-up's for couples.

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What’s the secret to ongoing intimacy, in and out of the bedroom? Most couples agree that they feel more emotionally, mentally, and physically connected with each other, after a good romp in the sack. But generally that yummy feeling of mutual connection begins to wane over time, overwhelmed by all the pressing details of home, work, kids, etc.

Feelings of disconnection can also lead to arguments and fights, which can make it more difficult for couples to find their way back to mutual sexual desire and passion for one another. So what’s the secret to couples maintaining a more intimate connection in and out of the bedroom? Below are two quick recommendations:

#1 Take time to breath

It is a well documented fact that when 2 or more people breath together at the same rate and the same pace, their heartbeats will literally synchronize. Wow! Just by harmonizing your breath, you harmonize your heartbeats, creating a powerful emotional and physical connection. Just imagine how you would relate to one another from this deeply connected, mutual experience. You may find yourselves being on the same “wavelength” mentally, emotionally, and physically, leading to more of that life-enriching sensual connection that so many couples crave.

So how do you have this experience on a regular basis? It’s easy:

First step is have the man (or more masculine of the 2 partners) sit in a comfortable upright position on a chair or the couch, with their back supported. Have the woman, or more feminine/smaller partner sit in their lap, face to face. Make eye contact and smile.

Next, place your left palm on your partners chest, and make a heart to heart connection Now – watch the rise and fall of your partners breathing pattern, and match it. Once you have the breathing pattern established, count 21 breaths silently together. Then proceed to alternate or circular breathing, followed by The Ocean Breath. Now watch how your connection transforms.

I invite you to practice this 3-4x’s a week for the next 6 weeks, and observe the radical transformation it makes in your feelings of love, connection, and passion over time.

#2 Express yourself

The number one killer of romance in my opinion? Unexpressed emotions between partners. Small, seemingly insignificant hurts, irritations, even unexpressed desires, can build over time, creating a subtle but perceptible wall of resentment between couples. Nothing deters the free-flowing joy of open-hearted connection more quickly than resentments built from unspoken truths. Find ways to communicate your feelings responsibly, and learn to effectively “process” your emotions as a couple.

I recommend using the compassionate communication platform of Non-Violent Communication, developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.

Devi Ward is an International Authentic Tantra Educator & Sensual Empowerment Coach. Devi has been on a path of Erotic Awakening and Spiritual Embodiment since 1993, studying meditation, holistic healing arts, and alternative forms of erotic expression. Devi has been a Professional Sensual Movement Artist since 1992.

Devi is the Founder of Feminine Emergence and creator of Sacred Erotic Dance™; a Movement-Healing modality that uses The 5 Core Pelvic Movements™, Authentic Tantra™ & Sensual Dance, to produce physical, emotional and spiritual healing in our relationship to sexual and sensual self-expression.

Her first book “Shake Your Soul Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art of Self-Pleasure” is out on Amazon now. Also find more about her online tantra tutorials. Follow Devi on Twitter @deviwardtantra and on Facebook.

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5 Ways to Make Sex More Sensual

You've heard from GetLusty about intimacy and sensuality in sex - about intimacy before and after. So how about making the act itself - whether that's intercourse or foreplay - more sensual? Our newest writers, the cutest counseling couple we've seen recently, Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc., are here to shed light on sensuality in sex.

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When you hear the word “sensual” you are most likely going to relate it to something sexual. If someone says to you, “You should try these strawberries. They are the most sensual fruit I have ever tasted,” where does your mind go?

Does it click in on just the fact that those strawberries must have been ripened to perfection? Or does your mind instantly click to a sexy image of biting into the fruit? What if someone offers to take you on a sensual journey? The first thing that probably comes to mind is the sexual scenario implied by such an offer and not the possibility he/she was just inviting you to the local grocery and department store. That could be sensual after all – taste this food, smell that cologne, feel this fabric, hear that song, read those tabloid headlines.

Yet, isn’t doing your regular shopping something you sometimes dread. It has become boring. It feels like a chore. You just want to hurry up and get it over with because you know you need to do it, but really don’t want to. Uh oh, those descriptions might well cover something else in your life. Sex.

Sex can absolutely be animalistic and a "rip your clothes off and jump on your partner" experience, but it can be very slow and sensual too. It should never just be about taking off your clothes, getting under the covers, groping each other a couple of minutes and then bumping and grinding for a few more minutes. So, how can you explore sensuality and bring it back into your sex life? Remember that sensual means that you are gratifying the senses. Satisfying all of your desires such as seeing, touching, smelling, hearing, and tasting is where sensuality really arrives on the scene. And, guess what, satisfying your sixth sense – your intuition or spiritual self, is quite sensual too.

Here are 5 ways to make your intimate play sensual. Bonus: Call it intimate play ;) That changes it up right from the start.

#1 Focus on sensation

Wear clothing that feels good on your skin. Silk is a common suggestion here as it is cool to touch and so smooth. The feel of it brushing against your skin throughout the day can be a turn on. And, when your partner touches you through the silk that can be extremely exciting for both of you. If you don’t want to wear a sensual type of material during the day, then pick up some silk scarves or a feather or something velvety. Then you can use these different items to drag over your lover’s skin later in the evening. Focus on the sensation of the material or item touching you. It may be relaxing, tickly, or it may just have you ready to grab your lover and get busy.

#2 Light up your senses

Bring different flavors and smells into your lovemaking. One interesting way to do this is to get the Sexy Challenge: Lips Like Sugar as it offers you unique insight into trying different tastes with and/or upon your partner. Adding different flavors to your physically intimate life with your beloved can occur in a variety of ways. Food may seem like an obvious thing to bring into your lovemaking and there are many ways to do that, but don’t overlook flavored lubes as well. There are also a vast number of ways to bring in amazing aromas. Scented candles (we always recommend flameless candles for safety), lotions, colognes, lubes, and the different food items are all great ways to enhance your sensuality.

#3 Listen

What about hearing? How can you make that sensual? You could whisper sexy phrases or words of love into your partner’s ear. You could turn on music that you both enjoy and that will get you in the mood.

But what about hearing the sound of your lover’s laughter? Bringing laughter and silliness into your sex life can be an amazing experience. Just let go and be goofy together. Laughter and lightheartedness will bring powerful, playful passion into your life and hopefully, you will come to appreciate the sensuous sound of your lover’s laugh.

#4 Massage

Time for a little naked massage! Yay! This actually satisfies more than one sense. With low lighting you can visually soak up the beauty of your sweetie all oiled up and glistening, but you can enjoy the aromas of scented oils or just the animalistic smell of him/her too. With both of you naked you can take turns rubbing your hands, your feet and your entire body – yep, genitals are great massage tools too – over your lover.

#5 Focus on their pleasure

Last but not least, we highly recommend that you pay attention and be consciously aware not only during foreplay and lovemaking, but at the peak of orgasm, after you are coming down from orgasm and for the next couple of days.

How do you feel? Did you notice anything out of the ordinary – visions, images, an extreme sense of bliss or simply like you entered a void or time was suspended? Sexual orgasmic energy taps you into the creative source (call it whatever you like – the Universe, Spirit, God, the Divine or even I don’t know what it is, but it sure feels goooood). This access to creativity through orgasm is why we want you to pay attention up to a few days later to see if you are more creative, have new ideas, solve problems easier than normal or maybe you just have a bigger smile on your face and feel energized.

Use these five ways to bring more sensuality into your sex life and we believe you will transform your relationship and take your intimacy to a higher level – no matter where it is now.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacret and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Sexy Challenges.

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5 Relationship Tips Straight Couples Can Learn from Gay Couples

Here at GetLusty for Couples, we include all couples in our discussions, straight and gay. After all, there are few differences between straight and gay relationships, though there are also many similarities. We all share the same hardships and challenges. But--in fact, there's a thing or two straight couples could learn from gay couples. GetLusty for Couples writer, Monique Mitchell is here with some of her advice for the straight couples from the LGBTQ perspective.

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Relationships can all be complicated. Difficult factors such as the lack of communication; infidelity issues; unrelated philosophies on life; and sexual incompatibility can turn a promising union to a crumbling disaster. However, according to various studies, sexual orientation may help a certain segment of the population have a greater hold on making a relationship work. In fact, here are five relationship tips that straight couples can learn from gay couples.

#1 Fight Fair

Reportedly, the amount of arguments that heterosexual couples and same-sex couples have are roughly the same. But, according to the Journal of Homosexuality, when same-sex couples argue they tend to make fewer verbal attacks and they try to defuse confrontation. Same-sex couples were also considered to be less likely to develop an elevated heartbeat and adrenaline surges during arguments. Conversely, straight couples were found to remain physically agitated after the conflict. With gay and lesbian couples, humor and affection was also stated to be used in order to allow each person to continue to talk about the issue instead of prolonging a heated argument. In addition, the journal's findings suggest that same-sex couples are better able to see the other person's point of view as well as pick the proper battles, which aids in maintaining a stronger relationship.

#2 Be Honest

Same-sex couples have the advantage in terms of honesty within their relationships. Straight men are more prone to lie about their commitment to a relationship as well as their possessions, while straight women lie to flatter a man's ego and to de-emphasize their interest in other men. Same-sex couples being more on the same wavelength, gender-wise, can make it more difficult to be deceitful regarding their motives.

#3 Don't Play the Guessing Game

Men, whether gay or straight, usually have stronger libidos than women. Comparatively, most women connect with their partners emotionally rather than sexually. The benefit of being in a relationship where both people either share sexual appetites or receive a satisfying amount of non-sexual intimacy is what helps place same-sex couples further ahead in relationships.

#4 Sex and Intimacy


In a 2011 Psychology Today article, it suggested that gay couples tend to have more sex than any other types of couples. And since women often value emotional intimacy, a lower sex drive is not usually a concern with lesbian couples. Gays and lesbians also talk more candidly about sex and monogamy, while heterosexual couples are more apprehensive when discussing sex. Frankness in a same-sex relationship sometimes can lead to a open relationship. Reportedly, men tend to compartmentalize sexual and emotional feelings. By going outside of the relationship, a gay couple with strong libidos can both accommodate their sexual desires. This type of an arrangement eliminates the threat that most other couples encounter in an unfaithful relationship.

#5 Share The Work

Equality in the home can help to reduce relationship conflict. Studies indicate that same-sex couples are more inclined to share household chores, since they are not forced into a particular role. Generally, women are expected to carry the brunt of the housework. And while two recent Norwegian studies entitled “The Study of Life Course, Generation and Gender” and "The Norwegian Life Course, Aging and Generations" indicated that seven out of ten Norwegian women were largely happy with being responsible for most of the housework, the study also stated that many of the women are older, and tend to be either unemployed or work part-time. Overall, most studies in other countries state that gender equality in the home makes couples happier, and can even lead to a more sex. By not having to do all, or the majority, of the housework, time can be freed up for intimacy and other forms of quality time.

As of January 2013, same-sex marriage will be recognized in nine states, in America. And more than 500,000 American couples are in same-sex relationships, per the Census Bureau's 2010 report. While the above factors have shown some of the advantages that same-sex couples may have over straight couples, all relationships face their share of issues. Still, the amount of communication, understanding and honesty in same-sex relationships can be a lesson to anyone who is trying to navigate their way through most relationship hurdles.

Monique Mitchell is a general article writer with a professional background in nearly everything. A native, and current resident, of Chicago, Monique has covered topics ranging from relationships and entertainment to technology and post-graduation career tips. Now focusing more on dating and relationship blogging, Monique aims to inform readers on issues around the emotional and sexual health of people in the LGBTQ community. In her spare time, Monique enjoys cooking, reading, and watching romantic comedies and "Trash TV".

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10 Relationship Myths We Must "Whack Off"

Masturbation is a healthy and natural act of self-love. Stressed out? Masturbate! Feeling horny? Masturbate! We recommend both she and he masturbate. Since masturbation seems to be such a great way to release and improve on oneself, we thought it would be interesting to take the idea of masturbation to relationships. Jacsman, our favorite resident writer on long-term gay relationships, is here with advice on how to masturbate or "whack off" 10 relationship myths that keep us from growing closer and becoming more intimate with one another.

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Masturbation as metaphor

Masturbation’s impulsive pleasure is one of the most significant joys that we bring with us into our relationships. As we took our pleasure into our own hands before — “polishing-the-pearl” during tea break, or “whacking-it-off” while waiting for the midday news report to commence — within coupledom, we have this agency in our partnership satisfaction. When that opportunity comes up during the day, we are intentional: we whack-it-off and then proceed with the rest of our occupations. What better sense of achievement (in under fifteen minutes) is there?

Masturbation is essential to sustaining the hearty sexual satisfaction we need in ourselves to experience satisfaction in our lovers. So I have paramount agency in my psychosexual satisfaction, being dependent on your lover for such satisfaction is problematic. It is potentially unhealthy for your relationship, since creating and making demands of your lover on a daily basis will empty them out in no time at all.

Prioritize your love 

Only if partners have their personal psychosexual satisfactions firmly in hand can the prime achievement of coupledom intimacy contribute to lovers’ experience of commitment. There are of course gradations of intimacy, and these are comparatively opaque in gay relationships, perhaps not from within our partnerships, but particularly from the outside looking in.

Though we do not need to follow heterosexual touchstones, to the larger part of the LGBTQ community the intimacy markers of engagement, marriage, and parenthood that characterise the bond between heterosexual couples are out of reach. Lacking such socio-culturally recognized status can be a source of dubiety in a gay partnership, becoming problematic when it interferes with the expression of feelings in the relationship.

The commitment that continued sexual and emotional involvement might imply can remain ambiguous indefinitely. Instead of just whacking-it-off, sitting down and doing it, talking honestly and transparently about our options/expectations and identifying/prioritizing our intimacy goals, we put this important communication off and continue getting by on assumption. In particular, gay men can be scared off by the intensity of prioritizing intimacy in this way. I suspect it is because we are, at first, virgins to the deeply gratifying pleasure resulting from taking hold of the opportunity to communicate quite so honestly and just whacking-it-off, getting it done, and then persisting in doing it. Committing to it until it is habit.

Hopefully, it's clear by this point why I am riding this masturbation metaphor. Masturbation in my committed sexual relationship serves to ensure my pleasure, distance, and time apart from my lover to see to my agency in my personal psychosexual satisfaction. Prioritizing and habituating honesty, transparency, and the celebration of our authentic love for each other serves to ensure our deepest pleasure, our sincerest intimacy, and most precious anniversaries together. You’ll come to cherish this pleasure too and in any moment during your day!

Relationship myths

What gives me great pleasure to tell you is that by whacking-off your intimacy and partnership priority, you'll come to understand the truth of your commitment and the true pleasure of your relationship, sexual and otherwise. Just as most couples, we buy into at least one of the common, and dare I say heterosexual socio-cultural myths, that mislead us in our most important interpersonal relationship. After all, LGBTQ souls, in wonderment, integrated the same fairy tales all people share in collective consciousness: Prince Charming, the Sleeping Beauty, Brave Huntsman, the Wicked Stepmother, and need I even mention Happily Ever After?

In "The Heart of Love," John F. Demartini notes that American President John F. Kennedy once pointed out, “The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived, and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic”. Most valid here, his surety for realistic living is to stop enjoying “the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

Going beyond fantasy to find true relationship fulfillment makes it necessary for us to prioritize our love’s truth and transparency; once a couple is in the habit of eliminating this, the joy of emancipation from false relationship myths climaxes in most intense relationship intimacy, sexually or otherwise.

The 10 relationship myths to "whack-off"

Rubbing out the following ten myths can, in some cases very ironically, be the most poignant bonding experiences for gay couples:

#1 My relationship makes me happy

Nope, you make you happy.

#2 My soulmate completes me

You are a complete human being in and of yourself.

#3 A “real” relationship will last forever 

All relationships are real and all relationships last as long as it is real for the lovers.

#4 Once we overcome choppy waters it will be smooth sailing 

Afraid not; storms come and go.

#5 A good relationship requires sacrifice 

Think again. Fulfilling coupledom requires communication and understanding, not martyrdom.

#6 Great sex happens only at the beginning of a relationship

Ecstatic sex can be honed from mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy, all grown over time.

#7 In the right relationship, I won’t have to work at it 

Commitment requires continued practice.

#8 In a relationship, I’ll never feel lonely 

Your feelings are involuntary, your lover cannot rescind them.

#9 Children can validate our commitment 

Your commitment is not your child’s/children’s responsibility.

#10 Opposites attract

You are not a couple of fridge magnets.

When to "Whack-it-off"

Once rid of the delusions, it becomes a matter of rhythm how you whack-it-off. It is your dialogical business as lovers to nurture mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy with each other. The 21st century lifestyle doesn’t allow for too many of these engagements, and while there is no magic number appropriate for every relationship, I consider one or two times per month as the bare-assed minimum to sustain relationship development. Calendaring might sound too businesslike, but calendaring is proactive prioritization of both your lover and your relationship. Setting a date with your partner assures a night of potency on the docket, more often than not in both cases: emotional and orgasmic. Everything leading up to the date is effectively edging, until, together, you whack-it-off.

Even the most time strapped, communicatively challenged partners should never miss mandatory (birthday, anniversary, etc.) opportunities to prioritize their love and consideration for each other, when any excuse less than anaphylactic shock won't exempt a partner from duty to commitment and love. Also, create your practicable fairy tale by inventing your own "touchstone" moments.

In a future GetLusty post, I will arouse your imagination on how to recognize and lovingly carve out such mandatory opportunities to whittle on your intimacy communication. The best place to start however, is to get lusty for it and just whack-it-off. Just do it. Get Lusty endeavours to get couples there, whether straight or gay.

Develop and understand your relationship better; again, whether a gay or straight couple, turn the lust up for one another and subscribe to GetLusty. GetLusty guides us towards intimate understanding of our love for each other as we all aspire to nurture the kind of commitment that can sustain our souls. I’ll do near anything to help you get your lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well, do It safe.
Jacsman


He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

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Keep The Romance: Why It's Not Just About Sex

Romance is a wonderful thing. We agree having a wonderful marriage isn't just about romance and sex. There are 5 pillars of an amazing sexual relationship. That's why we're very excited about the next stage of GetLusty for Couples. Our beta is now live. We welcome you to sign up today! Whether you're in Chicago or San Fransisco, we'll have valuable ways to improve your sexual relationship.

For now, let's ponder how important sex and romance are to our most intimate sexual relationships. Our favorite husband, Tommy Allen, is here to talk briefly about why romance and sex are equally important.

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Romance is such a special thing. It's not about sex. Romance is about a particular, extraordinary connection you feel with someone very special and your burning desire to express that feeling.

Romance is holding hands, opening car doors, hugging and kissing (lot's of kissing), smiling and heaps of touching. Romance is sharing your life with another in the most intimate of ways short of actual sexual activity. It's eating from the same fork, drinking from the same straw and using the same chap stick. Anything to feel closer to the one you love and have that intimate contact with their most personal being, feelings, and thoughts.

Romance is being so close when you are sitting together that your legs touch. It's rubbing your toes together when lying in bed. Romance is the fascination you feel about everything your lover says and feels. It's your inability to keep your hands off them when they walk by.

I love the physical contact associated with romance. I never get enough hand holding, toe touching, close up slow dancing and dinner sharing. The more physical contact I have during the day makes my whole attitude improve.

Anytime you walk, hold hands. Feel and enjoy every finger as they are intertwined with yours. Enjoy the sense of security knowing they're there. Let the warmth of their palms fire up your attraction.

Romance should be a part of your normal activity. Go out to dinner and enjoy each other's company as if you are dating. Don't have a date night — have a date life. There is no special day to be romantic, be romantic every day. I've never heard of anyone being against romance. You may wish you had more of it in your life. You may feel like it's hopeless, that you'll never have that special romantic feeing from anyone. But you can change that, you must become the romantic.

Next time you go out with someone special, grab their hand and link your fingers. Give it a good squeeze and let that warmth of your affection flow through your palms. You'll feel better and I'll bet they will, too.

Originally posted on Tommy Allen's Blog.


Tommy is our favorite husband of over 3 decades! He now shares his ideas with other couples to help with their success. How great!

Tommy has been happily married for 34 years and together he and his wife have 3 grown sons. He is a student of life and love. He loves to learn by watching, listening and observing others. He use his blog to share his observations on life, love and relationships. Love is Tommy's favorite subject. He and his wife have lived and loved and loved and loved some more in Daytona Beach for more than 18 years. Want to see more from Tommy? Check out his blog.

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5 Things NOT To Do Mid-Blowjob: Part 2

Maybe it's because it's Dick & Dildo December, but we're thinking about blowjobs a lot lately. Sometimes those who bestow the gift of the blowjob get the idea that trying new blowjob techniques will be a fabulous idea! That we don't necessarily need to even chat with our partners. I'll just pull out this crazy, fun, new idea that Cosmo gave me. He'll love it! Then, you go home and try it and surprise. It may be hilarious, but it doesn't really provide much pleasure to either of you. Therefore, in Part 2 of our series (check out part 1 here) on things not to do during a blowjob, our Brendan White returns with more of what not to do.

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Did you think the bad blow job inquisitor was finished with merely 5 mediocre blow job maneuvers?  Please. I'm back with part II of bad blow job techniques! Curious about part I? Check them out: bad blowjob techniques.

I want to dispel some so-called blowjob techniques I ran into in magazines and online. Right off the bat I want to eliminate: hot sauce, sandpaper on the balls, scrotal acupuncture. I haven't personally experienced all of these, so if you have personal experience with any of these techniques and beg to differ, let me know in the comments section! Onward! 5 more blowjob techniques to avoid at all costs (or to at the very least talk with your partner about beforehand)!

#1 Spraying me with ice water?! No, please!

Spraying your partner with a bottle of ice water may cool down some hot foreplay. And weird him out. At the very least ladies, please talk with your partners before you try this. 

#2 Surprise anal action

While a blow job may feel incredible accompanied with massaging the prostate, this is not a move you bust out willy-nilly. This is one of those things you should talk about first with your blow job recipient. There are people out there that look at the anus as a one-way street. Fingers are not welcome there. A little communication goes a long way.  

#3 Nutella

Dip his dick in Nutella? Really? This isn't to stay that Nutella is not absolutely deliciously goodness. Everyone calm down and get back in your seats!

However, Nutella is also thick and pasty. Dry mouth, anyone? It'd be the equivalent of a peanut butter blowjob! A more viscous chocolate syrup is less dangerous and can achieve the same  effect. I am extremely curious about if anyone has used that hardening chocolate syrup sexually. Report back to me!

#4 Talking weirdly dirty

While I think talking dirty can be extremely sexy, it is a slippery slope. Too often, people take their dirty talk queues from porn, which we all know is not like our real life sex. Porn often times is meant to be over the top and absurd, so saying something like, "I'm going to lay siege to your penis with my mouth pussy!" to your significant other may just confuse and upset them. Talking dirty is hot when it sounds genuine. Another thing to consider: it doesn't always have to be filthy to be dirty. Soon, GetLusty for Couples will have multiple ways to talk dirty. For now, talk about talking dirty before sex. See what they'd like to hear and what you'd like to say.

#5 Combining them all!?

Most of this list is based on inference, not experience. I would love it for someone to do some gonzo journalism. Get your guy ready, then run to the kitchen. Grab the nutella, pepper, grapes from the freezer, fork, cold water and pop rocks (maybe for ease you could assemble this motley list into a specially allocated "blow job drawer"), and go to town!  I advice just giving the blowjob in the kitchen to save you a few trips. You may want one of these while you're causing sexual PTSD.

Talk about it!

But hey, who am I to judge. Human beings have demonstrated that they can sexualize virtually anything. That being said, I cannot stress how important it is to talk to your partner.

It may not feel very elegant or sexy to explicitly discuss what you want to do or want to receive but it's much better than being unpleasantly surprised in the middle of a hot and heavy moment. Consent is sexy. There should be no surprise sexual acts. If you're uncertain, talk about it.

This article is by GetLusty writer, Brendan White. Brendan is a Boston University graduate with a passion for all things historical and also all things sex. A recent Boston transplant to Chicago, Brendan has a musical mind and at one point toured the country. When he's not thinking about conquering feudal Japan chances are he's playing loud rock n' roll in some laboratory with other like-minded individuals. When he's not thinking about GetLusty he's spending time with his exceptionally lovely girlfriend.

What to get in touch with him?  E-mail Brendan at brendan@getlusty.com.  

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10 Books to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

GetLusty for Couples is all about -- couples. Marriage is full of happiness and beauty until it's not. Heated arguments, mismatched libidos, and difficult transitions into parenthood can take it's toll on any couple. We've all been there; working through issues and traumas to have the best marriage. To continue with our favorite books on marriage, here are 10 more to help you have the best marriage possible and enhance your relationship. Think your marriage/ couplehood life together is amazing? Now is the perfect time to continue to work on having the best relationship. GetLusty staff writer Jason Estrada reports.

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#1 The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships
Author: Gary D Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas

According to ChristianBook.com, this book will help you identify your own language of apology and will clear the way toward healing and sustaining all your vital relationships. Through field-tested research the authors detail proven techniques for giving and receiving effective apologies.

"The authors stress that you need to learn the "language" of the person you are apologizing to: for one person, it may be expressing regret, while for another it's accepting responsibility or making restitution. Especially useful is the chapter that helps readers learn which language of apology feels most sincere to them." (Publishers Weekly)

#2 How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
Author: Milan Yerkovich and Kay Yerkovich

According to Amazon: In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich draw on the powerful tool of attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage.

#3 Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
Author: Stan Tatkin PsyD MFT and Harville Hendrix PhD

According to Amazon: Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurologically prime the brain for greater love and fewer conflicts. "Wired for Love" is a complete insider's guide to understanding a partner's brain and promoting love and trust within a romantic relationship. Readers learn ten scientific principles they can use to avoid triggering fear and panic in their partners, manage their partners' emotional reactions when they do become upset, and recognize when the brain's threat response is hindering their ability to act in a loving way. By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure.

#4 The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide
Author: Michele Weiner-Davis

According to Amazon: 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' offers candid and sensible counsel for couples with mismatched libidos. Seasoned sex therapist Michele Weiner-Davis skewers two stereotypes about sex in marriage. First, she jettisons the idea that husbands are hot and wives are not, giving examples of "low-desire" men in her practice. 

Next, she upends the longstanding model of sexual response and advises readers: "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual." The strength of her approach to the causes of sexual stalemate lies in her insights about the struggles of both partners. Her suggestions (how to break the ice, how to court your partner, nag busting, and the Hallmark solution) are not gimmicky and are presented as techniques for couples, not individuals." 

#5 Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
Author: Harriet Lerner

According to Amazon: Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology.)

"This book is an astonishing blend of down-home wisdom and clinical experience. I can't think of a better comprehensive guide to making marriage work for today's couples. Read it for your own relationship and give it to every newlywed you know." William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor at the University of Minnesota and author of "Take Back Your Marriage"

#6 Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment
Author: Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks

According to Amazon: Here is a powerful new program that can clear away the unconscious agreements patterns that undermine even your best intentions. Through their own marriage and through twenty years' experience  counseling more than one thousand couples, therapists Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have developed precise strategies to help you create a vital partnership and enhance the energy, creativity, and happiness of each individual.

#7 Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More and Argue Less As Your Family Grows
Author: Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, Julia Stone and Rosario Camacho-Koppel

According to Amazon: Babyproofing Your Marriage is the warts-and-all truth about how having children can affect your relationship. The transition to parenthood can be a tough adjustment for any couple, but the good news is: you are not alone. Better yet, there are hundreds of simple but effective ways you can stay connected as husband and wife and still be good parents. The authors' evenhanded approach to both sides of the marital equation allows spouses to understand each other in a whole new way. With loads of humor, compassion, and practical advice, the Babyproofers will guide first-time parents and veterans alike around the rocky shores of the early parenting years.

#8 Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce
Author: Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg

According to Amazon: New and revised, Fighting for Your Marriage is based on the widely acclaimed PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) approach. Groundbreaking studies have found that couples can use the strategies of this approach to handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds of breaking up.

#9 Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love
Author: Willard F. Harley

According to Amazon: How spouses treat each other has a tremendous bearing on the success and failure of marriage. In this completely updated and revised edition of Love Busters, Willard F. Harley, Jr., helps couples identify and overcome the most common habits that destroy the feeling of love, including selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits, and thoughtless behavior. Harley also explains how to resolve common marital conflicts such as career choices and financial planning. You can't eliminate conflict altogether, but once these Love Busters are eliminated, conflicts can be resolved with love and grace. With Harley's expert guidance, couples will be able to avoid those behaviors that tear a marriage apart and focus instead on building their love for each other.

#10 Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In
Author: Laurie Puhn

According to Good Reads, In Fight Less, Love More, readers will learn how to identify the bad verbal habits, instinctive responses, and emotional reasoning that can cloud judgment and ultimately lead to the deterioration of otherwise healthy relationships.

"With advice that is nonjudgmental, extremely efficient, and clearly understandable, Puhn covers all aspects of romantic relationships, from problems like infidelity to boundaries giving couples of every strip something of benefit. Eschewing frustrating vagaries, sweeping generalizations, and gender-based assumptions, Puhn's extremely specific guide focuses on simple, rational solutions that primarily revolve around maintaining respect for one's partner. Readers will gain a great deal from her contribution to the genre." (Publishers Weekly)

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. You can email him at jason@getlusty.com, or try his Facebook page.

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Living Positively: Why Happiness is Your Choice

As we move towards the GetLusty for Couples re-launch, we're all working harder than ever. This means we're working longer hours and dreaming about quality time together. Now, though, more than ever--we need to focus on the positives. We're going to offer couples more features. We'll help couples create amazing sexual relationships.

Needless to say, when task lists and work weeks get longer, conversations can get tense. And this takes work! As Dr. Jenn reminds us in this article, it's important to focus on the positive in our lives. Our emotional perspective makes an important impact on how we feel about ourselves and our relationships. So--how about it? Can you see the positive through negative situation?

* * *

A client shared this with me recently. She and her husband use this idea as a reminder to not make problems any bigger than they have to be. They choose to focus on their joys instead of their fears. Through our work on mindfulness and positive psychology, and their commitment to their marriage, they created this powerful mantra. Pretty wise for 24 year-olds.

To develop mindfulness, I encouraged them to notice or reflect on their thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Sometimes a situation results in just a reaction without thought. It seems you have no choice in your reaction. Mindfulness can reveal an opportunity to respond differently. I also encouraged them to end each day by sharing three gratitudes for that day with each other.

In addition, if they felt sucked down by negativity during the day, they could choose to “flip the switch” to positivity. Instead, they would shift their focus to something for which they felt appreciation. Small shifts like these can have a big impact on a relationship. Clearly these shifts are working for this couple, as the husband recently shared:

"I decided that the problems (we felt) were small. On the other hand, the rewards are large. So I just don’t pay much attention to them anymore. Please know that you have helped guide us from a tragic situation to one of the highest levels of intimacy and satisfaction. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this giddy beyond the infatuation phase, but now I know you can feel in love every second of my life."

They may be thanking me, but each of them is doing the hard work of retraining their brains. It’s not easy. But we have a lot more power and control over our emotional states and reactions than we realize. Sometimes it feels downright excruciating to break our automatic patterns. However, as this couple attests, through the pain of change, is the glory of intimacy.

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page. 

You have read this article Dr. Jenn / intimacy / marriage / mindfulness / positivity / psychology / relationship problems / stronger relationship with the title intimacy. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/living-positively-why-happiness-is-your.html. Thanks!