5 Ways to Make Sex More Sensual

You've heard from GetLusty about intimacy and sensuality in sex - about intimacy before and after. So how about making the act itself - whether that's intercourse or foreplay - more sensual? Our newest writers, the cutest counseling couple we've seen recently, Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc., are here to shed light on sensuality in sex.

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When you hear the word “sensual” you are most likely going to relate it to something sexual. If someone says to you, “You should try these strawberries. They are the most sensual fruit I have ever tasted,” where does your mind go?

Does it click in on just the fact that those strawberries must have been ripened to perfection? Or does your mind instantly click to a sexy image of biting into the fruit? What if someone offers to take you on a sensual journey? The first thing that probably comes to mind is the sexual scenario implied by such an offer and not the possibility he/she was just inviting you to the local grocery and department store. That could be sensual after all – taste this food, smell that cologne, feel this fabric, hear that song, read those tabloid headlines.

Yet, isn’t doing your regular shopping something you sometimes dread. It has become boring. It feels like a chore. You just want to hurry up and get it over with because you know you need to do it, but really don’t want to. Uh oh, those descriptions might well cover something else in your life. Sex.

Sex can absolutely be animalistic and a "rip your clothes off and jump on your partner" experience, but it can be very slow and sensual too. It should never just be about taking off your clothes, getting under the covers, groping each other a couple of minutes and then bumping and grinding for a few more minutes. So, how can you explore sensuality and bring it back into your sex life? Remember that sensual means that you are gratifying the senses. Satisfying all of your desires such as seeing, touching, smelling, hearing, and tasting is where sensuality really arrives on the scene. And, guess what, satisfying your sixth sense – your intuition or spiritual self, is quite sensual too.

Here are 5 ways to make your intimate play sensual. Bonus: Call it intimate play ;) That changes it up right from the start.

#1 Focus on sensation

Wear clothing that feels good on your skin. Silk is a common suggestion here as it is cool to touch and so smooth. The feel of it brushing against your skin throughout the day can be a turn on. And, when your partner touches you through the silk that can be extremely exciting for both of you. If you don’t want to wear a sensual type of material during the day, then pick up some silk scarves or a feather or something velvety. Then you can use these different items to drag over your lover’s skin later in the evening. Focus on the sensation of the material or item touching you. It may be relaxing, tickly, or it may just have you ready to grab your lover and get busy.

#2 Light up your senses

Bring different flavors and smells into your lovemaking. One interesting way to do this is to get the Sexy Challenge: Lips Like Sugar as it offers you unique insight into trying different tastes with and/or upon your partner. Adding different flavors to your physically intimate life with your beloved can occur in a variety of ways. Food may seem like an obvious thing to bring into your lovemaking and there are many ways to do that, but don’t overlook flavored lubes as well. There are also a vast number of ways to bring in amazing aromas. Scented candles (we always recommend flameless candles for safety), lotions, colognes, lubes, and the different food items are all great ways to enhance your sensuality.

#3 Listen

What about hearing? How can you make that sensual? You could whisper sexy phrases or words of love into your partner’s ear. You could turn on music that you both enjoy and that will get you in the mood.

But what about hearing the sound of your lover’s laughter? Bringing laughter and silliness into your sex life can be an amazing experience. Just let go and be goofy together. Laughter and lightheartedness will bring powerful, playful passion into your life and hopefully, you will come to appreciate the sensuous sound of your lover’s laugh.

#4 Massage

Time for a little naked massage! Yay! This actually satisfies more than one sense. With low lighting you can visually soak up the beauty of your sweetie all oiled up and glistening, but you can enjoy the aromas of scented oils or just the animalistic smell of him/her too. With both of you naked you can take turns rubbing your hands, your feet and your entire body – yep, genitals are great massage tools too – over your lover.

#5 Focus on their pleasure

Last but not least, we highly recommend that you pay attention and be consciously aware not only during foreplay and lovemaking, but at the peak of orgasm, after you are coming down from orgasm and for the next couple of days.

How do you feel? Did you notice anything out of the ordinary – visions, images, an extreme sense of bliss or simply like you entered a void or time was suspended? Sexual orgasmic energy taps you into the creative source (call it whatever you like – the Universe, Spirit, God, the Divine or even I don’t know what it is, but it sure feels goooood). This access to creativity through orgasm is why we want you to pay attention up to a few days later to see if you are more creative, have new ideas, solve problems easier than normal or maybe you just have a bigger smile on your face and feel energized.

Use these five ways to bring more sensuality into your sex life and we believe you will transform your relationship and take your intimacy to a higher level – no matter where it is now.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacret and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Sexy Challenges.

You have read this article better sex / for couples / for men / for women / foreplay / intimacy / sexual adventures / sexual exploration / sexual health / sexual rut with the title sexual rut. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2013/01/5-ways-to-make-sex-more-sensual.html. Thanks!

How To Gauge Your Sexual Temperature

Amy Jo Goddard knows how to empower us! She is an amazing sexual empowerment coach and sexual educator and we absolutely love learning from her.

Amy has written on role play, scheduling sex and continuing sex education. But today, it's all about your sexual temperature. What is that you ask? Well, just like a thermometer measures a fever, Amy is here with ways to help you gauge your sexual needs. 

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Sometimes you get so stuck sexually and you are so used to feeling stuck, you have no way to gauge how or why. I see this a lot with new sex coaching clients and prospects. If a woman has gotten far enough in her process to call me, she at least has some sense that her sexuality needs attention. Sometimes that’s as much as she knows. Figuring out the way into it or how to break it down feels hard and the whole of her sexual issues becomes a series of symptoms with vague ideas of the root causes.

I recently spoke to a woman who described her sexuality as a ball with no handles that just rolls and rolls and she doesn’t know where or how to get a grip on it. I think many people feel this way about sexuality because it’s so big and so many potential issues come up that they do not know where to begin. You can start by taking your own sexual temperature, so to speak. Look at the various key aspects of your sexuality and if you could literally take your temperature, how would the mercury rise and fall?

Your Sexual Temperature Key

Cold

Totally shut down, not happening, needs life-support now!

Lukewarm

On life-support, barely keeping its pulse but trying to survive.

Warm

Things are moving a bit, maybe slowly, maybe not all in the best direction, but there is motion and a will to be in a more healthy place. Throw me a blanket.

Sexual homeostasis

Functioning optimally, this part feels healthy and balanced, in a place of “normalcy”. Right on target.

Overheated

Overall, functioning well and with a lot of energy, but energy is a bit out-of-balance.

Fever

Manic functioning or over-indulgence in this area. Need to reconnect to self and rebalance. Way off your center. Sometimes sexual fever is fun but that’s not what I’m talking about here!

Temperature check 

What are areas of your sexuality where you could apply this? There are many aspects of your sexuality that you want to check in with regularly. For starters, do a temperature check on these seven:

#1 Your sexual body and how you are feeling in your body
#2 Your level of pleasure and joy , both emotional and physical
#3 Your desire and attraction, both the quality and level
#4 Your radiance and excitement-Are you glowing daily?
#5 Your intimate relationships, with self and/or with partners and lovers
#6 Your energy level, overall and sexually
#7 Your sexual and creative expression


Your Sexual Empowerment Assignment

Take a moment with each area and stick in the thermometer and read it honestly. If your temperature is below normal in any of these areas, think about 3 things you could do to breathe life back into this part, starting today.

If you are sexually homeostatic, what are 3 things you love and appreciate about the healthy temperature of this part? And if you are overheated or feverish, what 3 things could you do to recalibrate and re-balance to a place of sexual homeostasis and optimal functioning? Take your sexual temperature regularly and prevent your sexuality from falling to a place of being ignored, neglected, or into total disrepair.

Lovingly cross-posted with permission from Amy's blog here.

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at www.amyjogoddard.com. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on @amyjogoddard on Twitter.

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Why Men Don't Always Want Sex

What!? There are guys who don't want to have sex all the time, everywhere? How is this even possible? Well, it does happen and the little blue pill isn't always the solution. Believe it or not, men are not always in the mood. Sex educator Ken Melvoin-Berg explores this phenomenon in depth and helps turn this unfortunate situation into an opportunity for exploration and fun.

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This is a touchy subject, but I don’t feel like having sex all the time anymore.

Surprise! I’m getting older. Soon I will be 44 years of age. I am into alternate sexual practices; I’m in an open relationship, BDSM, and have multiple sexual partners. I should always be in the mood, right? Wrong!

My sexual appetites, extreme as they may be, don’t run the marathons they used to when I was 18. However my primary partner, Sunny, has not only peaked, she is climbing Mount Everest. This article is written from the perspective of an ethically non-monogamous man who digs chicks. Although I identify as the gender I was born as, don’t ever make the mistake of calling me a cismale, it’s an insult to me (I’m working on a future article explaining why I don’t like that term). No matter the gender or sex of your partner, you may find things you can relate to in this post.

On the physical side of things, erectile dysfunction, hypertension, diabetes, medications, and a host of other medical conditions can be a mood and boner killer for those of us with dicks. This article deals primarily with the psychological reasons men don’t want sex. If you suspect a medical issue, go see your doctor.

So what’s a dirty old man to do when the mood isn’t arriving as easily as it has in the past? The first thing to do is fucking relax. You are not the first man on earth to not feel like doing it all the time.

Identify the Root Problem

Not being in the mood is nobody’s fault. It does not mean I don’t find my partners super sexy and irresistible as hell. Sometimes I’m stressed. Sometimes I have an aging body with a decline in sexual desire. Sometimes it’s Thursday and I don’t feel like fucking.

First and foremost, getting your libido in sync with your partner’s is a psychological thing. Weight gain, self esteem issues, financial pressure, and lack of communication are the most common sources of tension in any couple. Knowing this is half the battle.

For example, if you are living from paycheck to paycheck, and are stressed about it, a good partner may want to have sex with you to relieve the tension. But in a lot of cases, especially with men that are primary providers, this may be the last thing they want to do!

Identifying the principal source of psychological discomfort can be hard, humiliating, and cause more tension in the short term. Digging deep and discovering the true issue is very comforting and can lead to a better, more communicative relationship.

Communicate How You Feel About the Situation

Talking can help. Actually sit down and look for a way to best communicate why you feel the way you do. Sometimes we can figure this out in counseling, other times it may be as simple as discussing the problem with your partner to uncover what is at the base of the issue. This isn’t always easy but it is always helpful. Men, in particular, have a hard time communicating about emotions and accepting blame for emotional discomfort. Acting masculine doesn’t mean you have to be a dick.

Take the communication a step further and bring it into the bedroom. If you’re trying to solve an issue about sexytime, bring it to the place where sexytime happens. For example, if you’d like your partner to add a few new moves to their blowjob repertoire, tell them! If you’ve been wishing they’d throw in more hand motions, a tickle of the balls, or to move a little to the left, let them know. You might find asking specifically for what you want and working together to achieve it works wonders.

Think about what fantasies get you in the mood

Men have fantasies that when acted upon can easily rev up the libido. We can’t always have what we want; however, asking your partner to act out some of the elements of a fantasy is a great way to satisfy your desires! This doesn’t have to be asking your partner to swing from the chandelier or host a wild orgy. Acting on a fantasy can be something as simple as asking for and receiving unreciprocated oral sex. For some, anal sex might be taboo enough to give you wood hard enough to cut diamonds. Yet others may want to incorporate elements of BDSM like choking, spanking or hair pulling. I personally like getting stuck in a Pornado (sitting at my computer watching my favorite porn) and simultaneously having Sunny give me head while she’s wearing a wig. Let your imagination run wild!

Sometimes I’m not in the fucking mood, literally. It’s OK to not be in the mood. For the love you all hold dear, tell your partner why you aren’t in the mood! They might think the reason has something to do with them– they’re not attractive, you don’t love them, they have gained too much weight or a million other things. Reassure your partner, a little communication can go a long way. The self-help book, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" by John Grey, can be a bit of pop psychology bullshit, but it does have some universal truths in it. Men that love men often have an easier time in communication with their partners than heteros (at least in some basic ways), because most men communicate in roughly the same way.

I am hetero, and I am writing from a hetero point of view. For me, women are amazing, beautiful, fragile, yet strong creatures that need communication on a level I can’t begin to comprehend. Understanding women is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. I will never try and understand women but, by Odin’s balls, I try to communicate with them!

Not being in the mood can be a great opportunity to get what we desire sexually at a later time too. Don’t let re-scheduling freak you out. Setting a solid date/time later can help the problem resolve itself. There is nothing wrong with scheduling time for sex. Don’t force yourself to be sexy at a time you’re not feeling it!

The little blue pill isn’t the only answer!

Some think as we age, medicine is the only thing that can help us get or keep wood. The little blue pill doesn’t help with desire; it only helps with erectile dysfunction. Swingers are almost always on the forefront of medical techniques that help older folks with these issues. This section is very subjective to what works for you as an individual. Take all of this with a grain of salt and check with your doctor before trying anything as extreme as injecting your cock with go-go juice. I also need to add, “Buyer Beware!”

There’s a lot of quackery and snake oil out there. Many will use whatever current herbal supplement is in vogue at the moment. However, the US government cracks down on anything that could be potential competition to Viagra, Levitra, Cialis, and Avanafil. Herbal supplements are great when you find one that works for you.

Often times, as soon as you do find one that works, the government takes it off the shelf because it threatens the livelihood of big pharms. Most of the best supplements have a combination of capsicum (chili peppers), ginger, yohimbe, and cinnamon. Look for these when starting to look for an herbal supplement. Intracavernosal injections are the latest trend. According to the American Urologic Association, taking an intracavernosal injection (a medical injection right to the cock) is the single most effective treatment for erectile dysfunction. Alprostodil and Phentolamine are the most common medicines that men are shooting into their own meat mushroom. Some doctors are also prescribing multiple compounds together in what is called Bi-mix and Tri-mix.

Cockrings are like external Viagra. Restricting blood flow of the penis by sticking your cock and balls in a leather, silicone, stone, or metal cock ring can make you harder, thicker, and more robust. But they aren’t for everyone. My personal favorite is Stockroom’s Stainless Steel Teardrop Cock Ring. It gives me a raging boner harder than Chinese Algebra, and is designed to simultaneously give an external prostate massage. Plus, the weight of the metal feels great!

Topical lotions at this point in time are snake oil. They don’t work and they can make your cock numb and useless. There are some new topical lotions in the works that are similar to the intracavernosal injection meds, but they aren’t on the market yet.

For women, there currently isn’t any equivalent of a little blue pill. Pfizer tried desperately to come up with something as women are much more likely to use meds than men are. The fact of the matter is, women are primarily going to succumb to mental and physical efforts such as counseling, education, muscle relaxation, and self exploration (masturbation).

When it comes to getting in the mood, remember to relax, identify the problem, communicate, and live out some fantasies. Bring your communication to the bedroom. It’s OK to re-schedule sex for a later time if you’re not in the mood. Please go to your doctor if you have either a mental or physical issue that should be treated with conventional medicine, and use meds only if you have to!

Cross posted with permission from Sunny Megatron's blog.

Ken Melvoin-Berg owns Weird Chicago Tours and the Midwest’s premier S&M Dungeon, The Studio. As a Lecturer and Sexstorian, he is the creator of On The Edge (a lecture/film series on BDSM). In addition to authoring 14 books on various subjects, Ken edits and writes numerous articles on sexuality. He travels around the world teaching kink awareness to various private groups and continually develops new kink-friendly/sex positive classes. Ken is responsible for the infamous Northwestern University Fucksaw controversy while teaching his class, Networking for Kinky People. Sunny Megatron is his partner in crime and perverted adventures.

You have read this article better sex / Communication / emotional / for men / Ken Melvoin-Berg / marriage / sexual adventures / sexual exploration / sexual health / sexual rut / Sexuality / Sunny Megatron with the title sexual rut. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/12/why-men-don-always-want-sex.html. Thanks!

5 Tips to Reignite Your Sexual Spark

We love writing about relationships. Long-term relationships need to work that much harder to stay strong, committed, and connected! That's why we believe in dating your spouse, finding creative ways to say "I love you" and the importance of touch in your relationship. Now, we've talked about keeping your sex life spicy! Here, she helps us reignite that spark we may lose as the colder months loom ahead! GetLusty's Bethany Kibblesmith reports.

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This time of year, when the days get shorter and the temperature starts dropping and everything starts to get frantic during the holiday season, your energy levels will drop. Your time will be stretched every which way. But that’s no excuse for boring sex!

Here’s five tantalizing tips for reigniting that spark:

#1 Touch

Many people are very tactile; touch and feel can be extremely stimulating. When it comes to intimacy, touch can be very important. When humans are aroused, blood rushes to your skin, making you flushed and heightening your physical responses to physical sensations. That means a pinch, caress, a slap on the butt, or a stroke of the hair, feels much more intense than it would normally be felt.

Concentrate on feeling. Close your eyes and direct your partner to touch you exactly how you want to be touched. Too shy to be that direct? Concentrate on the normal caresses that come with your standard foreplay and lovemaking. If you’re feeling especially frisky and adventurous, bring in some different soft things to stimulate each other with. Feathers, silk scarves or ties or even especially soft cotton sheets can totally change your sexual experience.

#2 Relax 

This one might seem obvious, but hear me out. You’ve got to eliminate any distractions before you start getting intimate. Climax and sexual fulfillment aren’t like firecrackers; you can’t just light a fuse and kapow! Have you got noisy neighbors? Put on some music.

I don’t recommend whale songs or dubstep (unless dubstep is sexy to you and your partner, no judging). Turn off the TV, which shouldn’t be in the bedroom anyhow, close the laptop or power down the iPad, shut the book and empty your mind of all the sundry things in your life. If there’s something so crucial that you can’t stop thinking about it long enough to have attentive, respectful, relaxed and peaceful sex, maybe you shouldn’t have sex ‘til you take care of it. When you’re having sex, the only thing you should be thinking of is how awesome it feels. Whatever it is that takes you to that relaxed place, be it a few yoga poses, some tea, receiving or giving oral sex, do what it takes to make your mind a blank slate.

#3 Create a wish list

This one is probably the most fun. Think of this one as basically a sex-based wish list. Compile a little list of positions, locations, and maybe acts you’d like to incorporate more. Maybe in the beginning, your partner often played with your breasts, and hasn’t done so lately. Add it to your list! Playing around with a sexy list is an easy way to keep track of things you want to try, or things that would enhance sex for you.

The only suggestion I would have for this one is to think back to the times you can remember having really awesome sex, and figure out what about those times that made sex so enjoyable. Generally just let your mind go wild. Thigh highs, handcuffs or lickable foods, maybe watch some porn together. Map out your next sexual encounter, utilizing positions and props you’d like to try. If you have a sexual fantasy you feel safe sharing and exploring, this would be the perfect way to open up about it, and learn what your partner is longing for, too!

#4 Do some pretending

Halloween has come and past but that doesn't mean you can't role play. Already switched up locales and lights, so now I’m going to go one further. Switch up your approach to sex. Is it usually slow, gentle, and sensual? Well, then throw in some dirty talk, moan your heart out and grab a handful of his butt, tug on his hair, and nip at his nipples. If you’re inclined to be uninhibited in your sexcapades, then take it the other direction.

Play it demurely; undress shyly, like you’ve never done it in front of anyone before and look at your partner with fresh eyes, at all the parts you’ve memorized already. Explore slowly the bodies we all tend to take for granted after a certain amount of time. If your normal sex is scheduled, in a bed, at a certain time, surprise each other with rougher than usual sex in an unexpected place, at an unexpected time. If that’s more your usual, take a steamy shower or bath together, and engage in a slow, mutual seduction, ending in bed. Be true to your preferences and never do anything you are uncomfortable with, but don’t be afraid to play pretend.

#5 Talk

Finally, the most important thing I can suggest is the simplest of all: talk to your partner! If sex is lackluster to you, chances are your partner has noticed, too.

Talk to your partner about what you’re feeling. So start talking about what’s going on between you two, in your lives, and in your bedrooms. More importantly, start talking about your needs, which if you’re reading this are obviously not being met.

Is there something you used to do in the beginning of your relationship that has fallen off the wayside lately? Is sex too slow, too quick, too infrequent, or too mechanical?

Figure out what it is that is bothering you in particular. If you simply say you’re unsatisfied, there’s very little for your partner to go on, in terms of improving your shared sex life. Before you go into this conversation, determine what you want and what you need sexually, and how you want your physical future together to be.

We're very excited to have Bethany Kibblesmith as a GetLusty staff writer. She's a sex geek and loving partner, actively involved in igniting her own sexual spark. Bethany is twenty-two and an English major. When she isn't scrambling to finish homework, she's with her loving boyfriend, reading, doing yoga or cooking. She enjoys the finer things in life like, secondhand clothes, warm showers, and socks without holes. She writes plays when she isn't writing for school or GetLusty. And if you meet her she will, without question, make a sex joke at some point. Email her at editorial@GetLusty.com if you have any questions!

You have read this article better sex / Communication / for couples / for men / for women / foreplay / marriage / monogamy / sex / sex advice / sexual adventures / sexual health / sexual rut with the title sexual rut. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/12/5-tips-to-reignite-your-sexual-spark.html. Thanks!

5 Reasons Couples Seek Sex Therapy

At GetLusty for Couples, we understand the importance of therapy. Whether you're using it individually or as a couple, therapy (including sex therapy) can improve your relationship by leaps and bounds. We know--we've used therapy. Why might you use sex therapy? Our favorite LA Sex Therapist, Moushumi Ghose, is here to answer just that.

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Sex therapy is a specialized form of psychotherapy and often times a very core and central part of couples therapy. Sex is intrinsically woven into our relationships so it only makes sense that it couples, or individuals within intimate relationships are highly likely to seek out sex therapy to address their relationship, love and intimacy concerns. Sex therapy is a great arena for couples to develop an intimate language that works for them that also allows for growth.

Unfortunately, too often couples seek out sex therapy once there is already a big problem. The reason the couple is seeking therapy is generally because there is some unbalance, a discrepancy in what either partner wants and the two individuals are having a hard time coming to and agreeing on a middle ground. Since differences are a normal occurrence in relationships, acceptance, understanding and communication are other common threads, which are addressed in couples therapy to help bridge the gap.

There is also quite often blame in this imbalance, a tendency to point the finger and make one person the “bad guy” or the fault holder of the relationship. There are a few common things I see in my office, why couples seek out sex therapy.

One of the goals of sex therapy is to undo the finger pointing, recognize there is no “normal” or “expected” outcome for the way either partner “should” or “should not” be when it comes to sexuality.

Here are 5 common issues I see and how sex therapy may be beneficial in treating these issues.

#1 My wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner wants sex more (or less) than I do.

The disparaging sexual desire levels is probably the single most biggest reason couples come in for sex therapy. Sex therapy can help the couple to remember or recognize there is no “normal” amount couples are supposed to have sex. Couples can also become aware of, comfortable with their sexuality, what turns them off, what turns them off, developing a language in which to communicate sexually with each other. Another important facet sex therapy can help with is to uncover any issues, which may be preventing either partner from being sexually open with their partner, or breaking down the relationship resulting in lack of sex, such as lack of trust, anger, depression, body image, stress, and so forth. Communication on how to negotiate a common ground is also a big focus.

#2 I just don't get turned on by my partner anymore. I can no longer orgasm. I just don't feel very sexual.

The theme here is the loss of desire towards a long-term partner. Sex therapy can help couples to recognize their own sexuality levels, that arousal ebbs and flows, particularly in long-term relationships. Sex therapy can help couples connect in new ways, when old ways have lost their excitement.

#3 My partner is a swinger, is polyamorous, wants an open relationship, or a three some and I don't know how I feel about this.

Dissonance between lifestyle choices, needs and desires is a very common reason for people to enter into my office. Sex therapy can help couples address misconceptions or ideas they have about lifestyles. Couples can begin to understand what is comfortable from them and learn to negotiate a common ground.

#4 I fantasize about [insert personal fetish here: men, women, being raped, large cocks] and cannot share this with my partner.

Shame is a big part of what couples can work through in sex therapy. Sex therapy is a great place to get a corrective emotional experience towards our fetishes, our fantasies, desires, and develop a language to express our sexual desires. Sex therapy can help with learning to accept often more taboo subjects such as masturbation as well.

#5 My partner spends too much time watching porn.

This is becoming more and more common in sex therapy. Sex therapy can help couples understand if a certain behavior is within normal practice, as much of porn watching can be or if it is something that might be more compulsive or obsessive in the case of a porn addiction. Addiction is highly subjective as well, so helping the couples decide what is acceptable and what is not acceptable are key points they can address in sex therapy.

All in all, there are a gamut of reasons couples may want to enter into sex therapy. I highly encourage couples to enter into sex therapy as a form of premarital counseling as well. One doesn’t need to have a specific issue in order to develop effective ways of discussing the more intimate aspects of your relationship. After all, sex and relationships is not something that necessarily comes with a handbook, so why not get the tools ahead of time, before it’s too late?

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Moushumi also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @MoushumiAmour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Questions for Moushumi or another professional across our network? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

You have read this article advice / Communication / emotional / marriage / sex therapist / sexual rut with the title sexual rut. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/5-reasons-couples-seek-sex-therapy.html. Thanks!

Is There a Quick Fix for Sexless Marriage?

We love Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD. She has helped us take ownership of our sexuality, give better anal, and taught us what to do if sex gets painful. Today, she's back again for a big problem that over 20 million Americans have.

Sexless relationships and marriage. We'll have more on sexless couples, but for now, we wanted to address this issue!

Dr. Jenn has wonderful advice to give and wants to improve everyone's love life. Do you notice that sex in your relationship is becoming less frequent and want that quick fix? Dr. Jenn is here to let you know why quick fixes are not always the answer to your problems.

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If you've experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won't be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query. However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself in order to start digging at the foundation of a lackluster sex life.

Question yourself and your partner. Ask these two basic questions:

1. What does having sex mean to you?
2. What does not having sex mean to you?

When I write "mean," I'm referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions. For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, "What does it mean? It means I'm just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work." Yikes. Lots of underlying resentments. Generally, resentments represent needs that aren't being met. In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

In another case, I asked a male client in a "sexless" marriage what not having sex meant to him. He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife. Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

What's the quick fix?

When sex is "missing" in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best "quick fix" I can recommend.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

You have read this article Dr. Jenn / sex advice / sex educators / sex therapist / sexual rut with the title sexual rut. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/is-there-quick-fix-for-sexless-marriage.html. Thanks!

How Do I Get Him to Spice Things Up?

This is one we get a lot. How do we spice things up in our relationship? For GetLusty, we recommend the 5 pillars of an amazing sexual relationship. Each of these pillars takes work, including communication and sexual technique, as Dr. Dick notes below. We love Dr. Dick! He's one of our favorite sexual educators! With over 30 years of practice, he's here again to answer his readers' questions. Today, Dr. Dick explores the connection between sexual intimacy and sexual performance for our gentlemen readers.

* * *


Name: Catherine Joanne
Gender: Female
Age: 42
Location: Canada, Alberta

Dear Dr. Dick,

I am in a very loving, understanding, compassionate relationship, which I have been waiting for for some time now. The only thing is he stimulates my emotional side in every way, but in the bedroom he is not as sexual as previous partners I have encountered.

I do not know if this is because all my previous relationships have always been about the “sex” and fizzled out, shortly there after, or this is how a “real love thing truly is?” If so, how can I mentally get over this one…he’s just not inventive, or has a lack of sexual knowledge. I don’t want to end this loving relationship over the bed issue. Please help me out on this one, so I do not sabotage this relationship.

Sincerely,
Catherine

* * *

Dear Catherine,

Like my momma always used to say, if it has four wheels or a dick, you know you’re gonna have trouble with it. Listen darlin’, if this guy satisfies as much as you say, hold on to him. He’s a keeper.

You can always teach the old dog some new tricks. Of course, you’re gonna have to take the lead in his sex ed. Let’s just hope he’s not threatened by a woman who is more sexually experienced, adventurous and progressive than he is.

That being said, I think you ought to make your peace with the fact that he’ll probably never become a wild fuck. But then again, you probably don’t want that, because those wild fucks don’t make for loving, understanding and compassionate partners…as you already know.

Just remember: It’s as hard to domesticate a wild fuck, as it is to make a domestic fuck wild!

Good luck,
Dr. Dick

Originally posted at Dr. Dick's Sex Advice.

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS - aka Dr Dick, sexologist, author, educator, syndicated sex advice columnist and publisher of Dr Dick's Sex Advice and Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews. He's been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.

Richard Wagner (Dr. Dick) affirms the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. He knows the unhappiness and anxiety, which sex-negative attitudes can engender in individuals, alienating them from their own body and the bodies of others.
Find Dr. Dick on Twitter @DrDickSexAdvice.

You have read this article advice / better sex / Communication / Dr. Dick / for couples / monogamy / relationships / sex advice / sexual rut with the title sexual rut. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/10/how-do-i-get-him-to-spice-things-up.html. Thanks!

Sex is a Skill: Practice Makes Perfect

Sex doesn't happen like it does in the movies (wait, what movies are you watching?!). No one is perfect at it. It is a skill that everyone should work on to better not only their love lives but the love lives of their partner(s). The more you grow in the bedroom, the more orgasms you will experience!

Further, great sex is like happiness. Once you've found it, then after a while, you loose it. You have to keep working on it; keep improving skills, expanding your knowledge. Amy Jo Goddard is back to help us with why you need to stay fresh on sex ed. Tell em', Amy!

* * *

Sex doesn't come naturally 

I made my students repeat aloud “Sex is a skill,” as I was beginning the sexuality module in my college courses last week, their collective voices paired with open and uncomfortable grins. I am always amazed at how many people do not realize that. Yes, sex requires skill! It does not come naturally. Nothing does, except maybe breathing. When we come into this world, we don’t know how to do anything—not even eat.

That’s why there are so many breast-feeding consultants. Babies need to learn how to take their mothers’ breast into their mouths and suckle, and new moms need to learn how to teach them!

When we are born, we don’t know how to drive a car, play Frisbee or soccer, cook a turkey, or dress ourselves with style. All of these things must be learned. And so must sex.

Yet we have all these romantic notions that somehow sex is just natural, it “just happens” and, it’s perfect with "the one" you love, right? Gender roles have a particular hold on men in this ready-and-able department—quietly dictating that men should always want sex, be ready for sex and know how to do it. Whoah! Pressure!

Most of us experience fumbly, awkward, unsexy early ventures into the forays of sexual pleasuring with a partner. In a culture like ours, where we place so little emphasis on teaching sex education, we are all left to fumble about and try to figure it out on our own. Sometimes we have a happy accident and something new is learned and pleasures, even orgasms, happen. Cheers for happy accidents! But by and large, if we don’t work on learning the skills of sex, the quality of our sexual lives will reflect that lack of emphasis.

Practice makes perfect

All skills require practice to become good at them and sex is no different. So since most of us had no sex education, or had limited education that focused on prevention of unwanted consequences, we have to roll up our adult sleeves and do the work to learn the language of erotic pleasure.

When we take time to develop our sexual skills—everything from sexual techniques, breathing/ breathwork, anatomy & sexual functioning, communication, how to create deeper intimacy/relationships, developing awareness of desires, or how to be playful—we reap the rewards with more satisfying sexual lives, bigger orgasms, and deeper sexual connection and intimacy. What sexually active person wouldn’t want that?

So what sexual muscle do you want to work on? This year I decided I wanted to have 10 sexual firsts. I’m well past 7 or 8 already. It’s fun to figure out what’s next and to be surprised. I’ve been teaching sexuality for 15 years, but there is always room to grow.

Homework

Your assignment, should you choose to accept? Make a list of the top 5 or 10 sexual skills you’d like to learn or improve. Then look at where and how you could learn those things. What books could you read?

What teachers and coaches work on these issues? What lover might explore them with you? What offline or online events could help? What community resources might be useful? Your sex life and sex skills will not magically get better or materialize out of nothing.

They will develop out of your consciousness and commitment to grow them. My education and coaching work are my commitment to helping people grow sexually. I’d be happy to help, or recommend someone else who might be a good fit for you. Feel free to contact me directly about it! But whatever you do, put some energy into your sexual life this year!

Check out the original post can be found here.

Also, a quick note! Throughout October, we'll be giving away products, discounts and special privileges to our GetLusty community. For example, by October 15th, we're giving away a Sqweel 2, the world's best selling oral sex toy. Become a member of our growing community. 'Like' us on Facebook and/or subscribe to our eNewsletter to join in (and win in the process).

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at Amy Jo Goddard. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on Twitter @amyjogoddard or 'Like' her on Facebook.

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