Is Your Relationship Really Ready for Polyamory?

So we just jumped straight into polyswinging and then polyamory. It's going to keep popping up, of course. Why? We're all about exploring ways to make your relationship better. Polyamory might be it? You never know. O.M. Grey, a knowledgeable polyamory writer and prolific blogger, talks about the characteristics of a polyamorists. Is your relationship ready for polyamory? O.M. Grey explains more. Read on!

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I’ve learned so  much in the past two years. And I’m going to share it with you without holding back. Not even a little bit. This is “my truth,” as the new-agey, responsibility-avoiding people like to say.

My husband and I have been polyamorous for about seven years. Although, I suppose the first few were much more about being a non-descript form of an open marriage since we weren’t seeking multiple, committed, loving relationships. The theory behind our lifestyle is what I’ve said again and again: Love breeds love and desire breeds desire. Any encounter we had outside our marriage during those first few years were very open and the intentions on both sides were very, very clear.

When we moved into practicing polyamory (seeking out another committed, loving relationship) I learned not everyone has the same definition of polyamory as us. Well, as those people who are successfully practicing a polyamory lifestyle do.

So let's take apart, "poly" and "amory" to understand better.

What is poly?

Most people who love to call themselves (and hide behind) “poly” are really focused on quantity rather than quality. Alright. I can have more than one girlfriend/lover. So, I’m going to have three! Because, let’s see... I’ve never been able to make a relationship with one woman work long term, so I’m going to try with three! That’s the ticket! That’s the answer! That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 15 years!

Most people I’ve met in the Austin poly community are not practicing polyamory. They’re dating. They go from several short-term relationships to several short-term relationships, none lasting more than 3-6 months. Hello! Not polyamory! That’s dating! And not dating very successfully because they keep ending!

Also in the Austin, poly community are several truly polyamorous families. They are what’s known as the “core group.” One of them even call themselves the polypod, and I think that’s rather adorable. The polypod, from what I’ve seen (and I’ve only seen them from a distance), as well as the few other multi-relationship groups who I know a little better and I’d consider friends, are doing it well. And by well, I mean successfully. They are open, honest, respectful, loving and supportive. They commit and invest in their relationships.

They might have casual sex on the side from time to time, but it’s after their current relationships are firmly established and secure. Because, after all, it’s about more love… not more sex. And the few times you need to fulfill that biological need with someone different, then be honest about that. Never lie to get laid. How disgusting.


What about 'amory' or love?

The most successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen focus much more on the “amorous” part of the word, less on the “poly” part. It’s about love! It’s all about love! Relationships take effort, investment, time and energy to solidify. If you claim to be poly, think about this: If you want to be poly, think about this:

Take. One. Relationship. At. A. Time.

When your first relationship has a solid foundation (and I mean SOLID foundation), the kind that takes at least a year, if not more, to establish, then look for a second one. This is not a race to see who can have the biggest harem. And, by the way, if you’re building a harem. YOU’RE NOT POLY! You’re a misogynist and a predator who sees women as life support systems for their pussies.

How to become polyamorous 

Romantic relationships contain drama (how I’ve come to loathe that word). It’s built in. Everyone has their insecurities and their baggage. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. It takes time to build a solid foundation and learn how to communicate with each other. Build trust. Establish and maintain intimacy. Minimize and handle inevitable conflicts. Ease through misunderstandings. Manage fears and insecurities on both side. Get to a level of comfort and security in yourselves and each other.

Then, open up to dating others. I’m not talking about casual sex unless that’s specifically what you’re looking for. If it is, be very up front about that. Because polyamory means multiple, loving, committed relationships, or the pursuit thereof. Set clearly defined rules and don’t break them, or that will damage the trust you just spent a year building. Once you meet someone you think you can form a deeper relationship with, close off dating others. Focus on solidifying that second relationship while maintaining the first for another year!

Insecurities will pop up. Jealousies (and yes, they don’t magically disappear when you label yourself polyamorous) and misunderstandings will arise.

Give yourself time to learn about, develop, and nurture this other love. Commit yourself to making it work, for, again (and I repeat myself so much because so many people just don’t get it).
  
Healthy relationships require effort, investment and responsibility!

After the second relationship is solidified and the first is stronger than before, and you still have extra time/needs that aren’t being met, then look for a third relationship. But always remember, finding another significant other isn’t about finding someone better, it’s about increasing the love and the desire among your own little polypod. It’s about ensuring that everyone you love feels loved, not ignored or pushed to the side or replaced.

It’s about more love. Always, more love.

If you don’t have time/energy/capacity to manage, maintain, nurture, and grow one or two relationships, plus your job, plus your kids, plus time for yourself and your friends – why do you want another? It’s a recipe for disaster and heartache on many levels. You don’t date someone for three months and say, “Okay, ‘primary’ – check. We’re ‘solid,’ so who’s next?”

Fuck that. You’re not solid after three months. You’re barely starting. And if you run at the first sign of struggle, then, guess what, you're not a poly! If you find yourself saying “I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without responsibility or accountability,” then you’re not poly. You’re selfish.

The last two years have been difficult, as you all have seen from reading this blog, especially the past few months. Do you really think my marriage could’ve survived (let alone thrived and gotten stronger) if it hadn’t been quite literally unshakable?

And for those of you looking for you 100%-genuinely-happy-all-the-time-easy-no-drama-or-responsibility-perfect love? Grow the fuck up. There is no such thing. When you are a perfect partner, you’ll find your fairy tale perfect love. And let me tell you, mister, you’ve got a long fucking way to go. I guess the anger portion of the grieving has set in. It’s about fucking time.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. The original post can be found on her blog here.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship lifestyles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited, is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

You have read this article Communication / Education / emotional / for couples / for men / for women / health / marriage / monogamy / O.M. Grey / polyamory / relationships / romance / stronger relationship with the title stronger relationship. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/12/is-your-relationship-really-ready-for.html. Thanks!

10 Relationship Myths We Must "Whack Off"

Masturbation is a healthy and natural act of self-love. Stressed out? Masturbate! Feeling horny? Masturbate! We recommend both she and he masturbate. Since masturbation seems to be such a great way to release and improve on oneself, we thought it would be interesting to take the idea of masturbation to relationships. Jacsman, our favorite resident writer on long-term gay relationships, is here with advice on how to masturbate or "whack off" 10 relationship myths that keep us from growing closer and becoming more intimate with one another.

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Masturbation as metaphor

Masturbation’s impulsive pleasure is one of the most significant joys that we bring with us into our relationships. As we took our pleasure into our own hands before — “polishing-the-pearl” during tea break, or “whacking-it-off” while waiting for the midday news report to commence — within coupledom, we have this agency in our partnership satisfaction. When that opportunity comes up during the day, we are intentional: we whack-it-off and then proceed with the rest of our occupations. What better sense of achievement (in under fifteen minutes) is there?

Masturbation is essential to sustaining the hearty sexual satisfaction we need in ourselves to experience satisfaction in our lovers. So I have paramount agency in my psychosexual satisfaction, being dependent on your lover for such satisfaction is problematic. It is potentially unhealthy for your relationship, since creating and making demands of your lover on a daily basis will empty them out in no time at all.

Prioritize your love 

Only if partners have their personal psychosexual satisfactions firmly in hand can the prime achievement of coupledom intimacy contribute to lovers’ experience of commitment. There are of course gradations of intimacy, and these are comparatively opaque in gay relationships, perhaps not from within our partnerships, but particularly from the outside looking in.

Though we do not need to follow heterosexual touchstones, to the larger part of the LGBTQ community the intimacy markers of engagement, marriage, and parenthood that characterise the bond between heterosexual couples are out of reach. Lacking such socio-culturally recognized status can be a source of dubiety in a gay partnership, becoming problematic when it interferes with the expression of feelings in the relationship.

The commitment that continued sexual and emotional involvement might imply can remain ambiguous indefinitely. Instead of just whacking-it-off, sitting down and doing it, talking honestly and transparently about our options/expectations and identifying/prioritizing our intimacy goals, we put this important communication off and continue getting by on assumption. In particular, gay men can be scared off by the intensity of prioritizing intimacy in this way. I suspect it is because we are, at first, virgins to the deeply gratifying pleasure resulting from taking hold of the opportunity to communicate quite so honestly and just whacking-it-off, getting it done, and then persisting in doing it. Committing to it until it is habit.

Hopefully, it's clear by this point why I am riding this masturbation metaphor. Masturbation in my committed sexual relationship serves to ensure my pleasure, distance, and time apart from my lover to see to my agency in my personal psychosexual satisfaction. Prioritizing and habituating honesty, transparency, and the celebration of our authentic love for each other serves to ensure our deepest pleasure, our sincerest intimacy, and most precious anniversaries together. You’ll come to cherish this pleasure too and in any moment during your day!

Relationship myths

What gives me great pleasure to tell you is that by whacking-off your intimacy and partnership priority, you'll come to understand the truth of your commitment and the true pleasure of your relationship, sexual and otherwise. Just as most couples, we buy into at least one of the common, and dare I say heterosexual socio-cultural myths, that mislead us in our most important interpersonal relationship. After all, LGBTQ souls, in wonderment, integrated the same fairy tales all people share in collective consciousness: Prince Charming, the Sleeping Beauty, Brave Huntsman, the Wicked Stepmother, and need I even mention Happily Ever After?

In "The Heart of Love," John F. Demartini notes that American President John F. Kennedy once pointed out, “The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived, and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic”. Most valid here, his surety for realistic living is to stop enjoying “the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

Going beyond fantasy to find true relationship fulfillment makes it necessary for us to prioritize our love’s truth and transparency; once a couple is in the habit of eliminating this, the joy of emancipation from false relationship myths climaxes in most intense relationship intimacy, sexually or otherwise.

The 10 relationship myths to "whack-off"

Rubbing out the following ten myths can, in some cases very ironically, be the most poignant bonding experiences for gay couples:

#1 My relationship makes me happy

Nope, you make you happy.

#2 My soulmate completes me

You are a complete human being in and of yourself.

#3 A “real” relationship will last forever 

All relationships are real and all relationships last as long as it is real for the lovers.

#4 Once we overcome choppy waters it will be smooth sailing 

Afraid not; storms come and go.

#5 A good relationship requires sacrifice 

Think again. Fulfilling coupledom requires communication and understanding, not martyrdom.

#6 Great sex happens only at the beginning of a relationship

Ecstatic sex can be honed from mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy, all grown over time.

#7 In the right relationship, I won’t have to work at it 

Commitment requires continued practice.

#8 In a relationship, I’ll never feel lonely 

Your feelings are involuntary, your lover cannot rescind them.

#9 Children can validate our commitment 

Your commitment is not your child’s/children’s responsibility.

#10 Opposites attract

You are not a couple of fridge magnets.

When to "Whack-it-off"

Once rid of the delusions, it becomes a matter of rhythm how you whack-it-off. It is your dialogical business as lovers to nurture mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy with each other. The 21st century lifestyle doesn’t allow for too many of these engagements, and while there is no magic number appropriate for every relationship, I consider one or two times per month as the bare-assed minimum to sustain relationship development. Calendaring might sound too businesslike, but calendaring is proactive prioritization of both your lover and your relationship. Setting a date with your partner assures a night of potency on the docket, more often than not in both cases: emotional and orgasmic. Everything leading up to the date is effectively edging, until, together, you whack-it-off.

Even the most time strapped, communicatively challenged partners should never miss mandatory (birthday, anniversary, etc.) opportunities to prioritize their love and consideration for each other, when any excuse less than anaphylactic shock won't exempt a partner from duty to commitment and love. Also, create your practicable fairy tale by inventing your own "touchstone" moments.

In a future GetLusty post, I will arouse your imagination on how to recognize and lovingly carve out such mandatory opportunities to whittle on your intimacy communication. The best place to start however, is to get lusty for it and just whack-it-off. Just do it. Get Lusty endeavours to get couples there, whether straight or gay.

Develop and understand your relationship better; again, whether a gay or straight couple, turn the lust up for one another and subscribe to GetLusty. GetLusty guides us towards intimate understanding of our love for each other as we all aspire to nurture the kind of commitment that can sustain our souls. I’ll do near anything to help you get your lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well, do It safe.
Jacsman


He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

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Gents! 6 Ways NOT To Ask for Head

Quite a few men offline and online have asked this question. How can I get my partner to give me head? As usual, we're here to help. We understand asking your partner for a blowjob can be tricky. Most importantly, gentlemen, you don't want to appear to be a selfish lover. So for now, let's review the ways not to get a blowjob. GetLusty writer Crimson Love reports.

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#1 Don't be a selfish lover

If you are not willing to go down on your woman, don't even bother asking for a blowjob. Reciprocation is the best way to receive more love. Give and ye shall receive. Start enjoying cunnilingus. Ensuring that your lady comes first is the key to a great sex life. If she isn't orgasming (and you should know this by asking her, for example), how do you expect she's going to be extremely interested in your pleasure? She's worried about how she's going to be able to orgasm--not you! Not to worry, gents. We'll have more on selfish loving soon! And plenty of cunnilingus tips, too. Suffice to say, your goal should be her pleasure!

#2 Give positive feedback

As ladies, we don't enjoy hearing how horrible we are at giving head. Besides, how is that supposed to give me enthusiasm about going down on you? Don't tell her she should blow you because she needs the practice. That might get you a punch in the balls rather than get her to suck them. Instead, try telling her how much you enjoy feeling her mouth on your throbbing penis. That they've been waiting for her wonderful mouth. Tell her she makes you feel so amazing after you know she's been pleasured.


#3 Realize it's a privilege

Receiving head is a privilege. Not a right. So when you demand a blowjob as an expectation because, "that's what women do," you're very wrong. Be positive, and don't be demanding. When I say this, I mean don't act entitled like it's her life's mission to blow you all the time. Be patient. If you think that a blowjob should happen everyday--please tell your partner. Talk to her about it. Unless she's absolutely in love with giving you head, she should be aware of your issue.

#4 Don't compare your lady

If your lady isn't in the mood to give you a blowjob, don't compare her to your ex or an old fling. If you think it will inspire some sort of competition and make her want to do it, you're wrong. It won't and may likely do the opposite. Trying to trump up competition isn't a loving thing to do. Instead, try telling her how amazing it was the last time she did provide you that amazing pleasure of giving you an amazing blowjob. She's amazing! No one can please you like she can. That will get you much closer to getting a blowjob in the future.

#5 Don't coerce

Don't just force her head down there. I am pretty sure that if you do, you won't find her down there again any time soon. We women don't want to feel force or coercion. Why? Well, it provides negative associations moving forward. If she's experienced trauma in the past, you may be heading down a road of therapy--or even just long conversations about boundaries. Be nice and you will receive nice actions back.

#6 Don't get mad

If she refuses after your efforts just let it go and don't get mad. Instead try to figure out why she said no.  Be empathetic. There is likely a good reason why your lady isn't feeling in the mood to go down on you. Maybe she has a negative association. Could you imagine being in her position? If she got mad at you for not going down on her? It'd feel pretty bad.

Keep sex amazing, gents! Be patient, nice and understanding. We'll respond with love and amazing head. If not now--soon!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.
Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

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What Is Sexually 'Normal', Anyway?

Though the Kinsey Institute has multiple points around sexual averages of the American population at large, there are few places to find out about normality. Sometimes all we need is to hear we're normal. That everything is alright; having sex 3 times a week is a great amount of sex! That being dominated can be fun. But what about your normal? What is your normal and how do you make it better?

At GetLusty for Couples, we're all about ending boring sex. Because sometimes boring sex can become normal. So let's talk about that. What is normal? Do you want normal, anyway? Or do you want extraordinary? Amazing? Eric Amaranth is here to talk about normal. What is it and why it might not matter as much as we think.

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Define "normal"

Sex therapists, educators, and sex life coaches alike all get this question on a weekly basis. People have things in their sex lives that are hot for them, have desires to do things, look at how much sex they’re having and for how long etc. They wonder if where they are or what they’re doing is favorable compared to their neighbors’ sex lives or the collective in general. Sometimes the question pertains to physical characteristics. Anatomy questions aside, I answer: “We first have to define 'normal' and establish for one’s self a decision to have an extraordinary level of satisfaction with one’s sex life.”

Firstly, part of where people’s assumptions are derived is from how your doctor uses the word, “normal.” In this case, it denotes the lack of pathology/illness and proper function of some part of your body or mind. Abnormal. That’s something you hear in test results. We know what that means. Sometimes, but only in a minority of those times, you can use the terms normal and abnormal to categorize a sexual issue. Necrophilia, for example. Yes, definitely mentally abnormal in that doctor’s test sort of serious way. A penis with two heads. Not normal. However, I find in the majority of people’s sex lives, normal and abnormal take on opposite meanings.

One thing that’s very interesting is how often I found myself using the word “normal” during my sessions in reference to my clients’ questions, issues, and goals. A boring sex life? That’s normal. A guy who wants to get into someone’s pants for his pleasure alone and speedy release? Normal. Women who care more about what other women think about their bodies than how sexy their romantic partners think they are — normal. Women faking orgasms and for the same reasons every other woman does: normal. Men that expect great sexual feats from their wives or girlfriends when he’s not willing to reciprocate with learning what to do for her. Yeah, that’s normal.

I call them normal because the issues are so widespread in a great many people’s sex lives everywhere. In other words, to be expected. I can’t call something like a consistently and strongly orgasmic woman abnormal. I can’t call a couple who grow closer through their sex life together not normal. It’s obviously too negative. I call examples like these extraordinary. Everyone loves that word. Most of us want extraordinary things in our lives, but often those wonderful things are also technically not normal. Every time I tell this to clients it brightens their outlook and changes how they use the word “normal” instantly. Another viewpoint, I saw a graphic once that said: “Normal is a cycle on your dishwasher.”

"Normal" varies from person to person

Comparing your sex life to other people’s doesn’t propel a person forward. Crafting your sex life to your taste and customized design does. Start asking instead, “Am I extraordinary?” Then imagine what the extraordinary would be like for you. What would it look like, sound like, feel like? This is the very first step and some of the best free advice I can give to anyone who wants to improve her or his sex life.

Originally posted on Eric Amaranth's blog.

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Check out his website, Sex Life Coach NYC. Eric is not a psychology-based “sex therapist,” which is the term that the public uses to refer to every professional in his field, regardless of training background. After graduating from The College of William and Mary, he went on to become the ten-year protege of pioneering sex coach Betty Dodson, PhD.

Eric’s sex life coaching is made for adults. He has knowledge and methodology differences that set him apart from what psychology-based sex therapists have to offer. Eric works with clients from all over the world toward his ambitious goal that his brand of sex life coaching would one day significantly reduce the instances of divorce. Eric lives in New York City, in Manhattan, with his much-loved girlfriend. Find him on Twitter @Eric_Amaranth and subscribe to him on Facebook.

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3 Ways Touching Improves Your Marriage

Several days ago, we saw a note on Facebook asking how many times a day partners usually touch. Personally, I touch my partner about 20 times probably. I love touching them! But does it matter? Why does touching matter in long-term relationships or marriage?

Tommy Allen is back with his views on the power of the physical touch in a relationship. And he's not just talking about sexual touch. Just physical touch! He has been happily married for over 30 years. With that much experience in the realm of marriage, he offers some great insight from the male perspective. In one of his latest articles, Tommy wrote about how to drive your man wild using your five senses. Here he takes one of those senses, touch and writes about its importance in a committed relationship. We already know about the importance of touching ourselves, so lets get into why we need to touch our lovers more!

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#1 Touch and get closer--literally

You'd be surprised at how many couples, some married many years, who hardly ever touch. Sure he'll grab her hand and lead her down a sidewalk or through a crowd, but not in a very romantic way.

I can always tell the general feelings of affection when I'm around other couples by how "hands-on" they are. Those that are together because it's too much trouble not to be, are obvious. They never sit too close. Rarely touching. They never look at each other and they never include their mate in their personal space.

You see, when you are so madly and foolishly into someone, you just can't keep your hands (and feet, but that's another story) off them. You want them sharing every inch of your space with you. I constantly want to feel the warmth of her body and if I take her hand, or she takes mine, it's not to lead the way but to feel the spark between our palms travel from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.

#2 Hugs for happiness

A simple hug can speak volumes in a few seconds about your love and lust. When I put my arms around her, my fingers travel the length of her spine to reach the small of her back.

It creates shock waves between our spirits, even if only for a moment. I appreciate every sensation as her body presses against mine. Then as we back away, the consciousness of the shared sensations are stored as sensual energy for later.

#3 Get absorbed in each other!

Public displays of affection? There can never be too much affection, public or private. Yeah, there comes a time to "get a room," but I certainly don't mind seeing a couple so absorbed in each other that no one else matters. It's beautiful! GetLusty for Couples is all about finding these happy spaces for a couple.

Unless you're crossing their boundaries, don't listen to those nay-sayers. Those complainers are usually loveless, jealous, anti-romantic begrudging beings only wishing it were them being doted on, anyway.

Live, love and touch. Touch a lot. Be familiar with every inch. Know it well. Be able to feel her touch even in your dreams. Then make your dreams a reality.

Cross posted with permission from Sex Money And Life.

When Tommy Allen first got in touch with us, we were so excited to feature his articles. Tommy has been happily married for 34 years and together he and his wife has 3 grown sons. He is a student of life and love. He loves to learn by watching, listening and observing others.

He use his blog to share his observations on life, love and relationships. Love is Tommy's favorite subject. He and his wife have lived, loved, loved and loved some more in Daytona Beach for more than 18 years. Check out his blog at www.bedroombootcamps.com

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10 Ways Sex Changes After Kids

At Get Lusty for Couples, we care about all couples and that's why we wanted to bring up the topic of couples with children. We know it can be a tough process to try and raise a family and keep a spicy love life going. However, it is possible and can even change and grow your love life in unexpected ways! A pat on the back to all the parents out there, but don't forget to spread the love with your significant other every chance you get. Eileen Prouffe, a loving wife and mom of three, will talk about the good and the bad of how to keep a lusty relationship going as parents. 

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It's no secret that it can be hard to maintain and nurture a happy and healthy sex life, but add children to the mix and things can get even harder. So below are ten ways sex changes after having children--the good, the bad, and even ways you can get better! Read on.

#1 Finding a place to "do it"

It's hard to be intimate when children are around all the time, but don't be afraid to show love in front of them. It's healthy for children to see their parents happy and in love. If you really are in the mood to get down and dirty then move the kids bedtime a little earlier so you can have more time alone. Don't forget; a happy couple equals a happy family.

#2 Having energy to "do it" 

Sometimes when couples are juggling so much like work, household chores, bills, etc. Having enough energy to perform more physical movements can be difficult, but not impossible. Try to make sure you are both getting enough rest every day and also try turning off the t.v. earlier so you can enjoy each other instead of other people. Give that person by your side most of your attention; they deserve it and so do you.

#3  Negative body image

Pregnancy, stress and weight gain can lead couples to feel less sexy about their bodies which may cause each other to feel a little embarrassed about getting naked and having a passionate moment.  There are two solutions to this problem, and one of them is to get over it (get naked and feel good about it) and just have a good time. It is Naked November after all. More often than not, your partner is not obsessing over your imperfections. If they love you, then they will accept you for who are and who you have become.  Secondly, if body image really is an issue or your partner could lose a few pounds for health reasons, then get your groove on in the bedroom and burn some calories together.

#4 Time factors

Some couples really do want to spend more time together, but really aren't able to due to conflicting work schedules, school or extra curricular activities. This is where couples need to decide what is most important. Some couples look for new jobs with better work hours so they can have time for their loved ones, but that's not always an option. Sometimes it's better for a partner to drop one or two of their activities, or at least invite their partner to join them. This way, they can have a romantic time while doing it. For example, some couples may play a sport together like basketball and they make the effort to fondle each other during the game.  Dating your significant other is essential and definitely improves your relationship.

#5 Loss of interest

Over time, couples can lose interest in each other and get tired of the same old routine.  This is why if couples want to keep their love alive, they need to make the effort!  Relationships and love lives take time and commitment and each of you need to be willing to give a little. Even food can get boring and bland, but if you add a little spice or different flavorings, then it can make a huge difference. Don't do the same thing every time.  Blow job today, doggy-style tomorrow.

It's not all doom and gloom when couples have kids in fact, it can bring them together even more.

#6 Take a break

It's not a bad thing to take a break from your children.  After all, it might help everyone if mom and dad are happy. To add a little more excitement, get a baby sitter and take a getaway.  Check out living social for a weekend getaway that's close by or even sign up for their getaway deals.  Places don't need to be fancy to spark up the love.  A relaxing and private place will work.

#7 Bigger bond

Sometimes people are less open when they are a newer couple or haven't been through many experiences, but having a child and going through it all can cause many couples to open up even more. Women's breast enlarge and that can be a huge turn on for some men and sometimes the love increases because having a child can be a bonding experience. We all feel closer to people when we've been through exciting or memorable experiences with them. Use this bond to improve your sexual relationship!

#8 Opposite effect

While some people may have a dwindling sex life after kids, others may be fully aware of what could happen to their sex life and actually become the opposite. They may realize that it's possible for their partner to become uninterested or bored so, some people begin to whip out the lingerie or the partner starts investing in sexier clothing for their significant other, sex toys or (well-done) porn and the sparks just start flying. Don't be afraid to go for it.


#9 Relax  


The more a person gets to know another person the more they might feel comfortable, and if they see their partner is not comfortable they might offer a massage to get that person into the right state of mind. Knowing what another person needs is an important way to help them get into the state of mind they need to be in order to want to have sex. Draw up a relaxing bath with candles and wine or  make dinner to take a load off the other person. Sometimes it's the little things that matter.  People who have been together for a while usually get this and if they don't, now they can.

#10 Get creative

Let's face it; it's not always easy to have an awesome sex life with children in the house. So some couples have to just get creative and "do it" in the bathroom and lock the door (we have 13 ideas for spots in your apartment to have sex, too!). While this may seem goofy and uncomfortable, it can be pretty amazing having a mirror available or even a shower to jump into together. However it works out doesn't really matter as long as it does work and everyone is happy and satisfied. 

Everyone will not have a perfect sex life, but everyone can have a better one.  If you're willing to invest a little time to do so, it can improve. Children don't have to pull the plug on your love life and you shouldn't let it.  Take action and find the time to take care of business.

Eileen Prouffe is a new GetLusty writer, but has over ten years as a working mom and trying to keep her love alive. If she's not having fun with her three kids, she's staring into the eyes of her loving husband. She looks forward to sharing her ideas, tips and knowledge with everyone to help improve relationships and put an end to dull sex lives. Get in touch with Eileen at eileen@getlusty.com. 

You have read this article advice / better sex / body image / children / kids / loss of interest / marriage / massage / relationships / satisfaction / sex toys / stronger relationship with the title stronger relationship. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/12/10-ways-sex-changes-after-kids.html. Thanks!

Relationship Rough Patches: 3 Ways to Mend

We've all been there. It's been a tough day, week or month. You're on edge and you take it out on your partner. You're at a rough patch in your relationship. That's totally natural and normal in a long-term relationship and indeed any relationship. As they say, "It's not about how well you get along together. It's about how well you get over arguments." The tough times can make or break your relationship. So make sure you work them out. Below, Rachel Colias recommends three ways to mend that rough patch in your relationship.

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I, like probably so many of GetLusty for Couples’ readers, I am involved in a long-term relationship. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost six years now and, as you can imagine, it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. To be with only one person for such a long time can be incredibly hard; people change over the years and so does the direction of a person’s life. When you involve another person intimately into your own life you not only add them to your own baggage, but more often then not take on theirs as well. 

Needless to say I would imagine it is impossible for two, or more, people to be in the same relationship long-term without hitting a few bumps along the way. In the same way toddlers generally go through what’s known as the “terrible twos,” relationships also start becoming especially difficult around three years in. And I’m not talking minor fights, but the point at which two people have to look at each other and decide whether continuing on together is still worth it. 

My boyfriend and I have both reached that point together in our relationship and we came out the other end unscathed. Though at the time it seemed almost impossible, we’ve made it through very rough patches together and learned a few things about each other and ourselves along the way. I hope the points I make and the advice my boyfriend and I gave each other can translate and help you get through your own hard times, because when it’s worth it it’s worth it. 

#1 Communicate

This seems like a fairly obvious relationship factor, but you’d be surprised how hard it is to actually follow through with. When couples start fighting, the communication is one of the first things out the window. You either say the wrong things in the heat of the moment or become so mad that you don’t say anything at all; neither of these tactics are healthy, nor do they feel good when you’re on the receiving end. 

We’ve all thought about saying hurtful things, especially when you know a person so well. It’s easy to say what we know will hurt when we want to hurt someone. But when you love someone you just don’t mean it. Next time when you feel yourself becoming angry and those stinging words rolling around in your head, take a deep breath and refrain from using them. A relationship doesn’t need to be fought with weapons, you don’t actually want to see that person hurt. 

Not saying something isn’t exactly helpful either, though. You don’t want to be malicious, but sometimes there’s something actually on your mind that you need to articulate to your partner. Are you unhappy about a certain way they treat you? Say something! But choose your words carefully. You don’t want to scream “Everything is your fault! I can’t believe you’re stupid enough to do that!” because that does nothing but throw fuel on the fire. What you could say instead is “It hurts me when you [...] and it would mean a lot to me if you stopped.” Communicating how you feel in a productive way that doesn’t have to hurt either party is a great way to make real, positive change in what could be a temporarily rough relationship. Holding how you feel inside for too long results in resentment; you end up blaming the other person for something they might not even know they’re doing and that doesn’t solve anything. 

#2 Spend more time alone together 

One thing my boyfriend and I realized we were both doing was drifting apart once things started getting rough. We spent less and less time together because we were either mad or frustrated about how things were going. We spent so much time drifting that we forgot what brought us together in the first place. The more you distance yourself from the person you want to make things right with, the less right things are going to get. 

Of course, I entirely understand why people would want to separate and how that time could be used by a person to mend themselves. Individual needs and health are vital to healthy relationships. But if both people feel the relationship crisis doesn’t exist within themselves it might be better to try and help mend together. 

Go on dates together, cook dinner together, take a shower or bath together, cuddle up and watch a movie together. There is an endless list of what people can do intimately together and, in the process of doing so, you both might just remember what it was that connected you two in the first place. Nothing helped my boyfriend and I fix up our relationship quite like getting away from the responsibilities of school and work and just laughing and relaxing together again. 

#3 Forgive

We’ve all done stupid things before. We’ve all made our significant other jealous by spending too much time with someone else, or said hurtful things, or unjustly blamed our significant other for our own problems. We’re all only human. But if what’s been said or done isn’t harmful enough for people to want to split up, then they need to move on. The lingering of guilty tension or making of passive aggressive remarks doesn’t help anyone and only reiterates the fact that you or your other has not in fact forgiven each other. 

If both, or all, are willing to truly let something go and forgive one another for a transgression then the relationship can continue in a much healthier way. Carrying around unnecessary baggage, such as resentment, only hurts all parties. 

These three exercises helped my boyfriend and I get through a lot when we feared the worst, but all relationships are different. If you’ve had a different experience pushing through a rough patch comment about what helped below!

This article was written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication. 

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follow her Tumblr blog here! Email her at editorial@getlusty.com

You have read this article Communication / emotional / for couples / for men / for women / marriage / monogamy / stronger relationship with the title stronger relationship. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/12/relationship-rough-patches-3-ways-to.html. Thanks!

Ladies! 6 Reasons You Can't Climax

We've all been there. You can't climax in the moment and feeling really helpless. I'm sure many women you know have also had the same problem at some point. It's completely normal, but why does it happen? Knowing why could get you closer to orgasming in the future. GetLusty's Bethany Kibblesmith is here presenting research on why you aren't climaxing.

Disclaimer: This is not intended to be medical advice. As the article notes, if you're having physiological or psychological issues hindering your orgasm, we recommend seeing a physician. Whether it's a psychotherapist or your primary physician, it's important to understand both why you're having problems as well as how you can start orgasming. Have specific questions? Feel free to send it to reply@getlusty.com, and we'll send them over to the therapists or sexologists in our network to get answers.

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You’re having sex, getting oral or being manually stimulated. It’s feeling amazing and you can feel your climax just out of reach. Try as you might, you can’t manage to seal the deal. In fact, the harder you try to orgasm, the more impossible climaxing becomes. You want to come. You’re having sex. So what gives?

Well, there are a couple of things that could be going on. First, if this is the only thing you take away from this article, I’ll be happy. Okay, ready? Know this above all else: it’s not your fault, you aren’t a failure, and absolutely nothing is wrong with you. Same goes for your partner.

So, there are two basic categories of things that are likely culprits hindering your climax. Something is going on, either in your brain or in your body. First, cover brain stuff first. Stress, distractions, and simple mental blocks. Next, we'll cover issues with your body.

Brain issues (psychology) 

#1 Stress

Stress is a total buzzkill in every aspect of life, and the poor orgasm is no different. If work or school or family is killer lately, and your time spent with your lover has you showing up zombie-like, drained, and flopping into bed or maybe it has your heart thumbing like a techno beat and your muscles are tight as an E-string, it’s not surprising that your O has become elusive.

Your stressful situation stays where you leave it. Don’t bring it into the bedroom, kitchen, living room or shower... Anyhow, the point is, focus on the matter at hand. Your attention should be on your body and your partner, and all the yummy sensations you’re sharing. If you really can’t shrug off the stress, consider taking a booty break until your stressful situation eases up. If sex is uncomfortable or feeling like something you’re doing to because you know your partner wants to, this is probably the best solution for your stress.

#2 Distractions

Distractions can also act on your ability to come, just like stress. Thinking about how loud the TV is in the other room and wishing you hadn’t forgotten to turn it off, or how you really should be doing the dishes, and crap, weren’t you supposed to call your friend back about Friday night? Or maybe it’s too dang cold, why is it so hot in here, have these sheets always been so rough? Slow down, girlie. Worrying about all the other things you also have to get done while you’re supposed to be getting down, uncomfortable conditions or temperatures, can make it impossible to focus on the physical and zone out mentally, both ideal for climax.

#3 Simple mental blocks: distrust

How you’re feeling about your partner is critical for comfortable sex. Have you been fighting, or nagging each other? Is there something you aren’t telling your partner about?

Anything you’ve buried, or left unresolved can cause you anxiety, emotional stress, and make you feel emotionally distant or disconnected from your partner. It goes without saying that these things make it harder to enter a state of vulnerability and openness that orgasm entails. A good relationship is always built on trust.

The other brain based thing that might be the culprit of your climax problems is how you’re feeling about your O. The critical moment is building, and you start thinking “I’m gonna come. Last time I didn’t but this time, it’s gonna happen. Oh, I’m close, why isn’t it happening? What’s going on? Ugh! Lost it! Again!?” Just know that not having one means doesn't mean never having one ever again. When it comes to brain-based orgasm blocks, just remember to relax, talk about your feelings and needs, and relax!

Now, if you read this next section and identify with any part of it, please see a medical doctor. I am an English major, not a medical professional. None of this is meant to constitute medical diagnosis or advice.

Physiologically, there are other reasons you may be having difficulty climaxing. The main culprits are injury or medications, but a physiological response to a psychological issue is also possible.

Physiological issues (your body)

#4 Medications

Have you recently gone on any new medications? Certain anti-depressants and anxiety medications, specifically SSRIs, and forms hormonal birth control, and most common oral contraceptives make climax difficult or impossible. Those medications can also lower your sex drive considerably. Talk with your doctor if this is the case, and determine whether a different medication would better suit your body and life. A word on recreational drug use: opiates and marijuana may dampen your libido and make orgasm more difficult to achieve. Opiates especially are associated with lack of sexual desire, and many prescription painkillers fall into this category. If this could be your problem, consider getting medical help.

#5 Injury (such as childbirth)

Any damage to your nervous system, especially damage to your spinal nerves, can cause a loss of physical ability to feel various sensations. Have you received any physical trauma recently? The other main physical issue is that of the pelvic floor. Are you experiencing pelvic floor issues, such as incontinence or excessive tightness?

Hip and back problems, as well as obesity and pregnancy/childbirth, can cause pelvic floor dysfunctions, which can make sex impossible or painful in the case of excess tightness, or uncomfortable and lacking in sensation in the case of looseness. Kegels and certain yoga poses can help, but always consult a physician if you think something is going on in your body.

#6 Trauma

This one straddles the psychological and physiological categories, but traumatic or negative sexual experiences. Even many years prior to your current sexual difficulties can unexpectedly impact how you relate sexually to your partner.

The effects of sexual abuse, an abusive relationship, or even a consensual encounter that had some sort of negative aspect or association, can all impact your sexuality, at any time. This is a completely normal response.

The body and mind in tandem can sometimes cause, in the most severe psychological reaction, vaginal muscles to become very tense and seize up, making penetration either very painful or impossible. Less obvious reactions to sex in the case of a negative sexual association can be a disconnected feeling to the body, inability to climax, and feelings of fear, guilt or aversion to sexual activities.

Whatever is causing your difficulties in climaxing, you’re a beautiful person who deserves awesome sex. If you keep relaxing, talking to your partner, trying and confronting your difficulties head on, you will orgasm! Stay tuned to GetLusty, as we'll have ideas especially for those of you who are having difficulties climaxing.

We're very excited to have Bethany Kibblesmith as GetLusty's newest writer. She's passionate about keeping it sexy inside and outside the bedroom in her own relationship and in yours.

Bethany is twenty-two and an English major. When she isn't scrambling to finish homework, she's with her boyfriend, reading, doing yoga or cooking. She enjoys the finer things in life like, secondhand clothes, warm showers, and socks without holes. She writes plays when she isn't writing for school or GetLusty. And if you meet her she will, without question, make a sex joke at some point. Email her at Bethany@GetLusty.com if you have any questions!

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The Language of Polyamory

At GetLusty, we think monogamy is really sexy. But that's not to say there aren't other relationship options for couples. Take swinging or polyamory for example. But how do you describe polyamory? What is language do we use? Our favorite counseling couple, Chuck and Jo Ann Bird, are back to define some common phrases used to identify polyamorous couples or situations.

* * *

We often talk about the language of love, and how each couple needs to find their own language, so to speak, to communicate their love and devotion.

But what if there are more than two people in that relationship? We've been writing blogs about polyamory and the practice of consensual non-monogamy. We’ve been doing it primarily to parallel the debut of a new Showtime docu-series, Polyamory: Married and Dating, which explores alternative relationship structures like poly. Today, we’d like to discuss the language of poly love.

While it’s difficult to define the poly experience, as there are so many permutations of poly and each poly relationship has a dynamic all its own, we know there are a lot of words and terminologies out there that help frame the general poly experience. So, we thought we might be able to shed a little light on what poly is by explaining some of the words used by those who live it — the language of poly love.

Let’s start with some of the categories of poly relationships. Please understand that we aren’t trying to define the experience of poly — just provide a basic working knowledge of the basics of poly relationships. Below are just a few of the terms used to describe polyamory:

Responsible non-monogamy: Any relationship which is not sexually and/or emotionally exclusive by the explicit agreement and with the full knowledge of all the parties involved. Responsible non-monogamy can take several forms, the two most common of which are polyamory and swinging, and is distinct from cheating in that everyone involved knows about and agrees to the activity. Responsible non-monogamy often explicitly spells out the conditions under which it is permissible for one person to take on additional partners, and often includes some form of safer-sex agreement such as a condom contract as well.

Triad or vee: Colloquial A polyamorous relationship involving three people, in which one person is romantically or sexually involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other.

Quad: A polyamorous relationship involving four people, each of whom may or may not be sexually and emotionally involved with all the other members.

Group marriage: A relationship in which three or more people consider themselves married to one another; in the polyamory community, most often a relationship involving more than one man and more than one woman, who may live together, share finances, raise children together, and otherwise share those responsibilities normally associated with marriage. A group marriage is not recognized by and has no legal standing within most Western countries, but may have symbolic or have emotional value to the people involved. Many people who believe in group marriage may create civil contracts and other legally binding business arrangements which specify the type and extent of financial commitments within the marriage, or even form a legal corporation which defines the marriage.

Open marriage/relationship: Any marriage or committed relationship whose structures or arrangements permit one or both of the members involved to have outside sexual relationships, outside romantic relationships, or both. The term open marriage is a catchall for marriages which are not emotionally or sexually monogamous; and may include such activities as polyamory or swinging. The term “open marriage” is sometimes used as a synonym for polyamory, though this is not necessarily the case; some relationships may be open but not polyamorous (as in some swinging relationships which explicitly ban emotional entanglement with anyone outside the relationship), and some relationships may be polyamorous but not open (as in polyfidelitious relationships).

Polyfamily: Colloquial 1. A set of polyamorous people who live together and identify as part of the same family. 2. A polyamorous group whose members consider one another to be family, regardless of whether or not they share a home.

Polyfidelity: (Literally, poly many + fidelitas faithfulness) A romantic or sexual relationship which involves more than two people, but which does not permit the members of that relationship to seek additional partners outside the relationship, at least without the approval and consent of all the existing members. Some polyfidelitous relationships may have a mechanism which permits adding new members to the relationship with mutual agreement and consent of the existing members; others may not permit any new members under any circumstances.

These terms make up the basic framework of how many poly couples and moresomes refer to their relationships, but for those who are on the outside looking into poly for the first time, they are a unique window into a different way of thinking about relationships.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

You have read this article Chuck and Jo / commitment / Communication / polyamory / relationships / sexual adventures / sexual experience / sexual exploration / stronger relationship with the title stronger relationship. You can bookmark this page URL https://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-language-of-polyamory.html. Thanks!

You Cheated. 4 Options to Make Things Right

Cheating. Many of our readers have either been cheated on, have cheated, or don't know but they have been cheated on! Can you imagine? Not knowing your lover has cheated on you? That would be horrible. Now imagine them coming clean. What should you do next? Here, we won't talk about the reasons why partners cheat. We'll only offer recommendations for choices after they've come clean. We hope there's still room for love. But love is about mutual respect and trust. Either way, O.M. Grey talks about the choices after cheating.

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You cheated. It’s done. It’s now too late to make another decision because you cannot erase the past. What are your choices? First, let’s define infidelity. As Dr. Phil says, “If you wouldn’t do it with your spouse standing there, it’s cheating.” (Again, really not a fan, but he does have some good advice on relationships.)

This includes, but is not limited to, online flirtations, propositions, cybersex or sexting, kissing, oral sex, and, obviously, intercourse. Unless you and your significant other (SO) have already defined sexual contact as genital to genital contact or penetration, assume that any of the above and more would be considered an infidelity.

Let me preface the rest of the post by saying that I’m not judging here. I will use some judgmental language, like betrayal, liar, etc., but that is because it is how your spouse will feel and it is the reality of what you’ve done. I’m not saying you’re a horrible person for your weakness or for your past choices, I’m just trying to give it to you straight.

So you cheated. It happens far too often, and unfortunately now your choices are much more limited than they were before. You do have choices, but none of them are good ones. It’s a complicated situation to which there is no easy way out.

#1 Come clean

Tell your spouse/significant other about the indiscretion and deal with their reaction. Their reaction will undoubtedly be anger and feelings of betrayal, because you did betray their trust and their love by your actions. They might very well end the relationship.

But often they won’t because they either don’t want to be alone or they don’t want to lose their family. Whatever their reaction, it is now up to you to regain their trust, and it will likely take years. Be prepared to deal with not only your self-loathing but your spouse’s self-loathing, too, as they’ll likely hate themselves for staying with you after what you have done. They will hate themselves for not having the strength to leave.

If they’re willing to keep trying to build a life together, ask them what you can do to make it better. Then do whatever they say. Start by being true to your word and telling them everything, no matter how small something might seem. Tell them. You will have to deal with their anger for a long time, and you will need to do whatever it takes to rebuild that lost trust, if it can ever be completely rebuilt. If you truly want to save your relationship, you will have to work very hard, for likely years before they fully trust you again. You can build this trust faster by being open and honest. I guess it goes without saying that it’s best to build intimacy before you step out.

#2 Don’t live in a lie

Your spouse has no idea that you cheated, and you’re not about to tell them. This might work, and they might never find out, but they usually do. Because once there is one indiscretion, there are usually more. Still, you can try it. But if they find out on their own, it will be far worse than you telling them about it and begging for forgiveness. If you decide to keep it inside, you will be living a lie, and that in itself can be soul-destroying. Many people live lies, and they seem to survive. I can’t really speak to what that’s like, but it must feel like a part of you has died. You will never truly been seen or accepted by your most beloved because they never get to see all of you. They’ll never know the real you.

People justify keeping things to themselves because they think that by confessing their indiscretion, it’s protecting their spouse from being hurt. They’re already hurt. They just don’t know it yet, at least not on a conscious level. But I guarantee they know something isn’t right. If you have kids, they likely feel it too. Children are very intuitive. They haven’t yet learned how to lie to themselves.

Still, hiding away is an option. But if you choose this option, please move forward by building intimacy with them now. For, as I mentioned, the first lie is the hardest. It gets easier after that, especially if you believe you got away with it.

You certainly can continue to have affairs, getting what you need from one or more extramarital partners. But that’s a very dangerous game of Russian Roulette. If and when it becomes known, the betrayal will be much deeper than if you had just come clean at the beginning because now you not only have the indiscretion(s). You now have the months or years (or decades) of deception on top of it. As I’ve said before, the deception is far more damaging than the sex with someone else. The deception, when your spouse realizes they’ve been forced into a living a lie and given no choice in the matter, is shattering. They might never recover from such a profound slight.

#3 Don’t immediately ask for an open relationship

This is almost as risky as the above choice, if not more so, because you are attempting to build trust on top of a lie. And this will only work if it was only a one-time thing and not ongoing with multiple extramarital partners. Follow the advice from previous posts and podcasts about healing your relationship. With some luck and a lot of work, you will get to the point in your relationship that you are so close and understanding that you might be able to come clean with much less fallout than at first. This is a real gamble, though.

I actually asked my husband about this scenario last night, and we couldn’t come up with a good solution. We are very close, and if he were to tell me he cheated on me before we opened our marriage six years ago, I’m not sure how I would react. It could go either way, really. I would either just say that the past is the past, and where we are now is what’s important because where we are now is beautiful. Or, I would wonder what other lies he has told. I would question everything, and it would be very difficult to get through it.

For me, there is no greater betrayal than deception, so it would likely be the latter. That said, I wouldn’t leave because of what we’ve built since. But there would be some difficult weeks thereafter. But it would be weeks and not years.

He, on the other hand, would probably take it in stride if it had been my indiscretion. So that’s why it’s a gamble. It really depends on the individual and their personality and the level of intimacy and trust in the relationship.

Bottom line, whichever of the above three options you choose, building trust and intimacy is a very essential part of moving forward, that is, if you want to save the relationship and respect your life partner.

#4 End the relationship

If you cheated because you are unhappy in your relationship and you don’t see a real future together, then do both of you a favor and end the relationship. You both deserve better than living a lie.

I often like to think of the future me when it comes to decisions like these. Do I want to wake up in 20 or 30 years and realize I wasted my life with someone, knowing that I might’ve found someone better for me? Knowing that I kept him from finding someone better for him? I haven’t ended many relationships, because there is nothing more important than relationships with others in my life. They are what makes this life worth living, really. Mutual love and respect. Although I have ended a few, I did so with as much love and understanding as possible. I was once engaged, years ago, and I could see our future would be one of painful mediocrity. I loved him dearly, still do, but I knew we would not be happy together. We’re still friends nearly 20 years later, and he has a beautiful family, and so do I. We are both happier because we ended our relationship, yet we are still special to one another.

I have watched friends live horrible lives with a partner, fighting daily. Toying with infidelity all from the safety of their primary relationship. Ultimately, it ends with a lot of pain and regret, but so much of that can be avoided if we can find the courage to be honest with ourselves and with those who mean the most to us.

You can, of course, continue having affairs, secretly, perhaps even unconsciously hoping that your spouse finds out. Perhaps you see this as the easy way out, basically because it won’t be your decision to leave. But, of course, you have already left the primary relationship, you just didn’t tell your spouse that you left. I have also watched friends end a marriage this way, and it’s a world of pain and not at all respectful of anyone else involved. Still, it is a way to end it.

Last month I wrote a post on how to end a romantic relationship with love and respect. Even if the romantic part is severed, you do not have to lose that person forever, especially if you share children. You will always be connected by your children, so it’s even more imperative to transition out of a romantic relationship into a lovingly friendly one. You’re stuck with each other for life, and if you want to do what’s best for your children, it’s to always treat their mother/father with the respect they deserve.

So these are the options as I see them. Can you think of another option one has after an indiscretion? I’d be happy to discuss others.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. The original post can be found on her blog.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship styles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like, Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine, and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

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Living Positively: Why Happiness is Your Choice

As we move towards the GetLusty for Couples re-launch, we're all working harder than ever. This means we're working longer hours and dreaming about quality time together. Now, though, more than ever--we need to focus on the positives. We're going to offer couples more features. We'll help couples create amazing sexual relationships.

Needless to say, when task lists and work weeks get longer, conversations can get tense. And this takes work! As Dr. Jenn reminds us in this article, it's important to focus on the positive in our lives. Our emotional perspective makes an important impact on how we feel about ourselves and our relationships. So--how about it? Can you see the positive through negative situation?

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A client shared this with me recently. She and her husband use this idea as a reminder to not make problems any bigger than they have to be. They choose to focus on their joys instead of their fears. Through our work on mindfulness and positive psychology, and their commitment to their marriage, they created this powerful mantra. Pretty wise for 24 year-olds.

To develop mindfulness, I encouraged them to notice or reflect on their thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Sometimes a situation results in just a reaction without thought. It seems you have no choice in your reaction. Mindfulness can reveal an opportunity to respond differently. I also encouraged them to end each day by sharing three gratitudes for that day with each other.

In addition, if they felt sucked down by negativity during the day, they could choose to “flip the switch” to positivity. Instead, they would shift their focus to something for which they felt appreciation. Small shifts like these can have a big impact on a relationship. Clearly these shifts are working for this couple, as the husband recently shared:

"I decided that the problems (we felt) were small. On the other hand, the rewards are large. So I just don’t pay much attention to them anymore. Please know that you have helped guide us from a tragic situation to one of the highest levels of intimacy and satisfaction. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this giddy beyond the infatuation phase, but now I know you can feel in love every second of my life."

They may be thanking me, but each of them is doing the hard work of retraining their brains. It’s not easy. But we have a lot more power and control over our emotional states and reactions than we realize. Sometimes it feels downright excruciating to break our automatic patterns. However, as this couple attests, through the pain of change, is the glory of intimacy.

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page. 

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