How to Stop Pissing Off Your Partner

Pesky holidays! They can get so testy, can't they? You end up arguing with your partner for no reason. One of you hasn't wrapped a present, or forgot to make reservations or some other silly reason. Or you come home with a heap of stress from another situation and you take it out on your partner. Then what? Here comes trouble! When taking these issues in stride, Dr. Jenn helps us think about helpful solutions. How about stop pissing off your partner by listening? Want to stop pissing off your partner? Read on.

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Some of the most common gender differences I see in relationships regard communication styles. For example, it is not uncommon for a woman to want to talk through things and vent about her concerns. However, many men interpret this as a request to fix the situation.

Vent, gather info or fix?

It makes sense -- if someone we love is hurting and tells us that, why wouldn’t we want to do what we can to “fix” it? But interestingly, the woman often becomes irritated because she says he isn’t listening to her or is trivializing her concern. And the man gets annoyed, because he thinks she isn’t taking his advice to make the situation better.

If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, what can you do about it? The best approach is to be clear about your expectations from the start. For example, if everyday when you get home from work you like to tell you partner about what happened and share your frustrations, state up front what you’re looking for.

“Hi, hon. Can I just vent about my day? You don’t have to do anything. I just need you to listen.” And if you’re on the receiving end you could say, “I noticed I’m getting really irritated listening right now and frustrated that I can’t do anything. Do you want me to help you fix this problem, or do you just want me to listen?” This will make a big shift in communication and avoid hurt feelings.

I think there can also be a third category, depending on your personality. Sometimes people share stories and ask questions because they are on a “fact finding” mission. They want to gather perspectives so they can come to a more informed decision for themselves. So recognize this as a middle area, and clearly state your intentions for the conversation.

“I don’t need to vent, but I’m also not looking for a fix. I’m curious about your ideas around this topic just so I can gather information.” With this clarity, the partner who is giving the feedback will be less likely to feel discouraged if you don’t take their advice.

Like developing any new habit, it can take time to create this new pattern of interaction. Being clear about your intentions and expectations is a great practice in transparency. In the long run, we’re much more likely to get our needs met when we own them and articulate them from the start.

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression.

Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page. 

You have read this article arguing / Communication / Dr. Jenn / Jennifer Gunsaullus / personality / relationships with the title Dr. Jenn. You can bookmark this page URL http://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/12/how-to-stop-pissing-off-your-partner.html. Thanks!

Living Positively: Why Happiness is Your Choice

As we move towards the GetLusty for Couples re-launch, we're all working harder than ever. This means we're working longer hours and dreaming about quality time together. Now, though, more than ever--we need to focus on the positives. We're going to offer couples more features. We'll help couples create amazing sexual relationships.

Needless to say, when task lists and work weeks get longer, conversations can get tense. And this takes work! As Dr. Jenn reminds us in this article, it's important to focus on the positive in our lives. Our emotional perspective makes an important impact on how we feel about ourselves and our relationships. So--how about it? Can you see the positive through negative situation?

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A client shared this with me recently. She and her husband use this idea as a reminder to not make problems any bigger than they have to be. They choose to focus on their joys instead of their fears. Through our work on mindfulness and positive psychology, and their commitment to their marriage, they created this powerful mantra. Pretty wise for 24 year-olds.

To develop mindfulness, I encouraged them to notice or reflect on their thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Sometimes a situation results in just a reaction without thought. It seems you have no choice in your reaction. Mindfulness can reveal an opportunity to respond differently. I also encouraged them to end each day by sharing three gratitudes for that day with each other.

In addition, if they felt sucked down by negativity during the day, they could choose to “flip the switch” to positivity. Instead, they would shift their focus to something for which they felt appreciation. Small shifts like these can have a big impact on a relationship. Clearly these shifts are working for this couple, as the husband recently shared:

"I decided that the problems (we felt) were small. On the other hand, the rewards are large. So I just don’t pay much attention to them anymore. Please know that you have helped guide us from a tragic situation to one of the highest levels of intimacy and satisfaction. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this giddy beyond the infatuation phase, but now I know you can feel in love every second of my life."

They may be thanking me, but each of them is doing the hard work of retraining their brains. It’s not easy. But we have a lot more power and control over our emotional states and reactions than we realize. Sometimes it feels downright excruciating to break our automatic patterns. However, as this couple attests, through the pain of change, is the glory of intimacy.

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page. 

You have read this article Dr. Jenn / intimacy / marriage / mindfulness / positivity / psychology / relationship problems / stronger relationship with the title Dr. Jenn. You can bookmark this page URL http://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/living-positively-why-happiness-is-your.html. Thanks!

Are We All Sexually Dysfunctional?

What? We're all f*cked up sexually? That makes sense though, doesn't it? No one is perfect (well--unless you're talking about me. I'm totally perfect). Everyone makes mistakes, so why wouldn't we all be a little sexually dysfunctional? One of our favorites, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus of Dr. Jenn's Den, is back talking about sexual concerns. We must say that almost all of us at the GetLusty office currently has or has had a sexual concern. So from our perspective--we think yes, we're all sexually dysfunctional. Well, we'll let you develop your own ideas about this topic. Read on!

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At the recent sexuality conference I attended, my friend and colleague Gina Odgen spoke about her “ISIS Wheel.” ISIS is an acronym for “integrating sexuality and spirituality.”

Gina is a sex therapist, author, and shaman, and her ISIS Wheel is a like a medicine wheel and a compass, applied to sexual experience and satisfaction. To the right is an image of the ISIS Wheel.

Visualize yourself standing before a life-sized ISIS Wheel. Now reflect on your sexual experiences and sexuality and consider how you like to enter these experiences.

Is it through the “body” realm and pleasurable sensations, such as heightened body awareness, the sounds of your partner’s arousal, or orgasm? Think back to the first time you had sex. Perhaps there was a “mind” component motivating you, such as curiosity or expectation. The “heart” component, about emotions, is strong for many and varies from the extremes of love and trust, to guilt and fear. For some, the “spirit” path is most motivating, when they exchange sexual energies and deep connection with their partner.

The foundation for Gina’s ISIS Wheel is sexual health, not sexual dysfunction. This means that despite any concerns people have in their sex lives, it is all just part of their sexual story that can be mapped and explored through the wheel. Framing sexual concerns as stories instead of dysfunction gives individuals and couples more freedom to explore the complexity of their sexual experiences, without judgment. Clearly, sex through the lens of the ISIS framework is about a lot more than physical release or performance.

The “ISIS connection” is when all four aspects of the wheel meet in the center. However, any experience is just as valid as the next. When we view a sexual “problem” as part of a sexual story and journey, it makes it a lot easier to address it head on, in all its layers of complexity. I suggest taking this wheel for a spin to learn more about you and your partner!

Help end boring sex and enter to win a LELO Tiani 2 courtesy of SheVibe. What do you need to do? Just 'Like' GetLusty on Facebook by December 1st! Have you followed us on Twitter yet? We're @getlusty there. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, too!

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page. 

You have read this article curiosity / Dr. Jenn / dysfunctional / fear / guilt / hear and mind / ISIS Wheel / Jennifer Gunsaullus / love / sex / sexual experience / sexual health / Sexuality / sexually dysfunctional / spirituality with the title Dr. Jenn. You can bookmark this page URL http://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/are-we-all-sexually-dysfunctional.html. Thanks!

What Is a Slut, Anyway?

We love sluts. We were very strong advocates of SlutWalk Chicago. And we thought we'd keep conversation going around the topic of being a 'real man' on the converse side. What does it mean to be a slut?

Though we all have the same needs and desires, women often face scrutiny for embracing their sexuality while men are celebrated for it. This stigma has led to very negative implications for both women and men. Here, our friend Dr. Jenn offers her thoughts and questions as to how the term "slut" results in such negative consequences, as well as why being a "slut" is considered to be such a bad thing.

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Rush Limbaugh’s “slut-bashing” incident brought to light how we Americans perceive and experience our sexuality. If you missed this or want the full story, read about Limbaugh’s slut slandering of a female Georgetown law student, in response to her testifying before Congress about access to birth control. The incident is fraught with controversy, so for now, let’s just look at the use of the word “slut.”

What is a “slut?” 

Generally, it is a derogatory word used for a woman who is considered too sexual. This begs the question, what does “too sexual” mean, and who decides how much sex is too much for an adult woman? It’s a funny world we live in, where women are highly desired for their sexuality, yet criticized by both women and men if they want to be in control of that sexuality.

Why is there such a low threshold of acceptable sexual expression for women compared to men? I know a lot of men who like sex, and wish that women were encouraged to like it just as much! However, there is a distinct gender difference in who is allowed to be sexual without stigma. Research shows that women often report a lower than truthful number of sexual partners. Men, on the other hand, report a higher number. Clearly, both genders have internalized what is appropriate sexual behavior.

Why does it matter if we call a girl or woman a slut? 

When a woman is labeled a slut, the stigma can be very real in its impact and consequences. For example, labeling a high school girl a slut has long been one of the top insults that can be hurled and can negatively impact the girl’s reputation, enjoyment of high school, and circle of friends. This hasn’t changed in the 20 years since I was in high school, and with the recent recognition of the dangers of bullying, perhaps this is something to which we should pay more attention.

I believe the reason why there is so much controversy around “sluts” is because sex is powerful and provocative. People make a lot of decisions based on their sex drive, some empowering and some pretty damn foolish (e.g., look at the fall of so many male politicians and religious leaders who can’t keep their dicks in their pants). I think sexual women have long been the scapegoats of powerful men. Our sexual decisions sometimes have big consequences, but labeling women for choosing to be sexual, when it benefits the women AND men, shouldn’t be one of those consequences.

I think a slut is a woman who seeks sexual experiences and enjoys being sexual. That doesn’t sound so bad to me. Last year, the “Slut Walk” movement in many major cities was a way to reclaim women’s sexual expression, and stop blaming sexual assault on women’s fashion choices. Perhaps a chant of “Two, Four, Six, Eight. Women are Sexual and Sluts are Great!” is something we should all take to the streets.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? Do it by December 1st and you'll be entered to win the ultimate in sex toys for couples--a LELO Tiani 2 vibrator.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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Ladies! Is Sex Painful? Find Out Why

Sometimes, we women feel like we should have sex. Maybe it's been a while or maybe you have a sex break scheduled. You don't want to disappoint your love. Now somewhere in or around your vaginal opening or walls hurts, maybe you nicked your inner lips while shaving, waxing, or prepping. We've all been there, but how do you describe this to a lover? How important is to have sex that's pleasurable for the both of you? What do you when sex is painful? Dr. Jenn, a leading sex educator and therapist from sunny, warm San Diego reports.

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Dear Dr. Jenn,

Is it normal to have pain when I have sex with my boyfriend? It’s not all the time, but about half the time I have to stop him once he’s inside because it hurts too much. What should we do?

Thank you!
Sex is a Pain

Dear Sex is a Pain,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing pain! But very happy that you brought it up, since you are not alone. A 2010 Indiana University study found that one third of women reported genital pain during their last sexual encounter. First, a few clarifying questions: Where is the pain located? Is it inside or outside your vagina? What does the pain feel like, for example, is it burning or sore? Has this happened with past partners? Can you pinpoint any differences between the times you have pain and the times you do not?

If the pain is deep inside and only occasional, it might be connected to changes in your menstrual cycle, which can shift your cervix and uterus. I suggest that you alter sexual positions when there’s pain, to find one that doesn’t allow for deep penetration.

On the other hand, if the pain is right around the entrance to your vagina, there are likely other factors coming into play, such as lubrication and time. Since the pain is not always present, I’m guessing that the difference could be that you haven’t had enough time to get all juicy and lubricated.

All bodies are different, and some people need more foreplay prior to intercourse to allow their genitals to engorge with blood and for the body to kick in with natural vaginal lubrication. More finger and tongue action around the vulva and vaginal opening should better prepare you for penetration.

Also, adding a personal lubricant can help reduce unwanted friction (I recommend brands like Sliquid, Hathor Aphrodisia, or Pink). If you believe you have a physical problem that is not addressed here or is more serious (e.g., vulvodynia), we are lucky in San Diego to have the Sexual Medicine Clinic at Alvarado Hospital. Visit them to determine the source of your pain.


It’s very important that you openly discuss this with your boyfriend. You want to make sure both of you are doing what you can to stop the pain. Sometimes women grin and bear it, but in the long run this creates a negative feedback loop around sex. Sex should be fun and pleasurable for both partners and I hope this helps you achieve that. I wish you happy and healthy sex!

Passionately,
Dr. Jenn

This article was cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Blog. *This article was originally posted to the Sex & Love Blog Series at Pacific San Diego Magazine.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

You have read this article better sex / Dr. Jenn / for couples / for men / for women / health / healthy sex / intimacy / sex / vagina with the title Dr. Jenn. You can bookmark this page URL http://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/ladies-is-sex-painful-find-out-why.html. Thanks!

Tell Your Partner Who Else You Are Attracted To

No matter how much you may love your partner, it's only natural to still notice other people you find attractive. Whether it's an innocent glance or a full on stare, you'll still look at others and let your thoughts wander. On the other hand, if you catch your partner committing such an act, it is only natural to assume the worst instead of figuring that its simply an innocent check-out. Dr. Jenn offers her advice on how couples should handle this issue in which the answer is not deterrence, but acceptance.

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“You know, I thought that the person who waited on us at the restaurant last night was hot and I noticed I was attracted to them.”

How would you feel if your significant other said this to you? Would you feel insecure about yourself and freak out with jealousy? That is the likely response for many people.

We generally believe that it is not appropriate to talk with our current partner about how attracted we are to someone else. We learn that jealousy is the appropriate and justified response, since we have the romantic notion that our partner should never notice anyone else. If they do, our insecurities kick in, and we assume it means that we are not lovable enough, special enough, or good enough, and our partner might leave us. While this interpretation seems to be natural, it is not the only interpretation available.

It is natural to notice people you perceive as attractive, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. Pretending that it doesn’t happen does not make those thoughts go away. I think it is important to keep the doors of communication open around topics like this. Otherwise, when natural occurrences like this become shameful or judged, they can become more powerful. What we resist, persists.

I am not suggesting that you should share every libidinous thought with your partner. It could be difficult and downright overwhelming to hear continual commentary about who arouses your partner. I think that tact is important in building comfort in sharing around potentially sensitive topics. It is also important to learn that when your partner finds someone else attractive, it is not a reflection on you.

Why am I even recommending this at all? Because I believe people would be less likely to cheat if they established a foundation of openness and trust in the beginning of their relationship by sharing such topics. When we admit that we feel attraction to others, share this with our partner, and then choose to remain committed in our partnership, it creates a bond of trust and honesty that can bring couples emotionally closer in the long run.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

You have read this article commitment / Communication / Dr. Jenn / marriage / monogamy / sexual adventures / Sexuality with the title Dr. Jenn. You can bookmark this page URL http://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/tell-your-partner-who-else-you-are.html. Thanks!

The 10 Commandments of Sex & Food

Sex and food go together like peanut butter and jelly. We have already talked about why food and sex work so well together and how to spice things up in your kitchen. But when involving food and sex we should always follow a set of commandments. No one wants any spicy peppers or hot oils near our pleasure zones! Ouch! So if you are ready to bring some sexy food into your love life read on! Dr. Jenn is here with her 10 commandments concerning food and sex!

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Commandment #1

Many fresh fruits are sensual and nutritious. Choose five of different colors and shapes and create a fruit plate of foreplay.

Commandment #2 

Eating small amounts of dark chocolate is not only pleasing to your taste buds, it also raises your body’s endorphins.

Commandment #3 

Double the amount of time you usually spend eating a meal and chew each bite longer to truly experience the food

Commandment #4 

Pay attention to all five senses when you’re in the bedroom and be present with regard to the pleasant sensations felt in the moment.


Commandment #5 

Create your own aphrodisiacs – take turns once a week preparing or buying a meal or special food item that is all about pleasing your partner.

Commandment #6 

Eat a rainbow of fresh vegetables regularly for the high fiber and vitamins and minerals. A healthy you can lead to a healthy sex drive.

Commandment #7 

Spend 20 minutes eating an orange, alone or with a partner; be mindful of what it is like to make love to that orange.


Commandment #8 

If you are going to indulge in foods that you think are guilty pleasures, don’t feel guilty and just enjoy the experience (and the pleasures).

Commandment #9 

Never put sweet items in your vagina because the sugar can increase the chance of a bacterial infection.

Commandment #10 

Avoid foods that make you feel bloated and sluggish (fried foods, refined carbohydrates, rich cream sauces, saturated fats, or excessive sugar) – it doesn’t feel sexy!

Keeping these commandments in mind, go forth and enjoy your sexual experience with all your senses!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

You have read this article better sex / confidence / Dr. Jenn / food / foreplay / fun / health / sexual adventures / sexual exploration with the title Dr. Jenn. You can bookmark this page URL http://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-10-commandments-of-sex-food.html. Thanks!

A Brief History of the Vibrator

We kinda love history. From the history of burlesque to dildos, we're a fan of understand the past and how it effects us today. Ever wonder how you lil' buddy came into being? We have already covered the history of the dildo, blow job, and Burlesque. Now it's time to discover where the vibrator came from! Dr. Jenn, (also known as Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD) gives us a quick and witty history of how this wonderful toy, or necessity, became a reality.

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Imagine it is 1880 and you are a London housewife. You are unsatisfied with your life, easily irritable, depressed and experiencing insomnia, so you seek a doctor for assistance. If you can afford Dr. Robert Dalrymple and his protégée Dr. Mortimer Granville, you would be diagnosed with “hysteria.” This was considered a plague of their time, a “disabling condition” for at least half the women of London. The cause of this plague? An “overactive uterus.” Here’s the best part: The treatment for hysteria was…(wait for it)…having your clitoris manually stimulated by your doctor until orgasm. I’m serious. This was a medical treatment to address the nervous system and help put a woman’s uterus back in order.

Luckily for Dr. Granville, the eager Dr. Dalrymple happened to have a friend and benefactor who was also a Lord of London and eccentric inventor. His latest invention was a steam-powered generator attached to a feather duster to ease the strains of housework. However, they saw the potential to extend this technology to ease the strains of Granville’s handiwork. The result? Multiple “paroxysms” in a quarter of the time. The marketability of this as a home product for the relaxation and health of women led to the invention of the portable home “massager,” the precursor to our favorite vibrators today.

I’ve known about the origins of the modern vibrator for many years, but "Hysteria" helped fill some confusing gaps for me. For example, how was it possible that the doctors didn’t know they were sexually pleasuring their female patients? How did they not know they were inducing an orgasm? Also, wasn’t this type of touching considered very personal and embarrassing? At the time, it was believed that women only experienced sexual pleasure through penetration of a penis. The doctors believed they were triggering a paroxysm which was understood to be a necessary outburst and release of emotion. And as depicted in the movie "Hysteria," the doctors provided their vulva massage to each patient behind a red velvet curtain, draped at the woman’s waist, to maintain modesty.

The history of the vibrator is confusing and truly ridiculous by today’s understanding of sexuality. Despite dabbling in serious topics, Hysteria takes a romantic comedy approach that is entertaining and accessible, but certainly not earth shattering. I recommend it as a worthy rental to tickle your sexual funny bone. And what movie about vibrators wouldn’t have a happy ending?

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box. Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

You have read this article academic / better sex / Dr. Jenn / history / sex toys / sexual adventures / sexual exploration / sexual health / Sexuality / vibrator with the title Dr. Jenn. You can bookmark this page URL http://jadejurgensen.blogspot.com/2012/11/a-brief-history-of-vibrator.html. Thanks!