Would a Threesome Hurt My Relationship?

Thinking about a threesome with your partner? Before throwing a third person into bed, consider the possible dangers. Will it benefit the relationship, or hurt it? Will jealousy haunt you or your partner? These are the things you need to discuss with your loved one. J. Cameron Gantt offers some sound advice on the complications of a sexual trinity.

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Dear GetLusty for Couples, 

I have been with my partner for one year and so far things are pretty good. A few months ago, he and I were discussing our fantasies and he let me know that he would like to try a threesome. He has never tried it, but I have had a few in the past. I am not completely opposed to the idea, but I am a little afraid of how this would affect our relationship. I have never been in a threesome with a boyfriend and though I want to keep our sex-life exciting, I don’t know if this is something we should explore. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Room41More

Hey Room41More, 

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns. I can tell this is a tricky situation for you and you have some fear surrounding the possibility of engaging in a 3-way with your partner so I hope I am able to help you.

I applaud you and your partner for being open with each other about your sexual wants and needs. There’s nothing sexier than being able to swap fantasies with your partner and seeing what you can do to make it happen.

Here’s the thing about threesomes: There are so many things you have to consider. Is your relationship strong enough to handle a threesome? Who’s going to be the 3rd participant? Will it be a stranger or someone you know? Will one of you enjoy it more than the other? Will someone feel left out? What if it goes really well and it becomes a regular thing? What if it goes bad – will he blame you?

You can’t predict what’s going to happen after everything has been said and done. No matter what you do, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to, especially when you are dealing with more than one person.

I know that one year may seem like a long period of time, especially in gay relationships, but honestly you guys are still fairly new as a couple. You guys are still getting to know each other and to introduce this new dynamic into your relationship so soon may complicate things. You’re already fearful about the possibility of engaging in a threesome with him so I would advise you to trust your gut on this one. Archive this fantasy and save it for when you feel more comfortable doing it with him.

Here are 2 things you can do to make sure you are ready to invite a guest into your sex life.

#1 Keep the communication going

Based on what you have described, you and your partner seem to be pretty open with each other about the possibility of having a threesome. Keep it up! Feel each other out and make sure you both are on the same page as to why a 3-way would benefit your relationship. I know it sounds sappy, but be honest about your feelings. Don’t say you are okay with it if it’s not the way you feel. Pretending to be okay with it will just lead him on and he will be expecting that threesome to happen.

Should you decide to make that threesome a reality, make sure you and your partner set boundaries to protect your relationship. Maybe you don't want him kissing or penetrating the third person. Think about the possible awkwardness afterwards – does the third party leave right after, does the person spend the night? Your fear of a threesome stems from specific concerns. Make a list of things that would hurt or anger you – just imagine this other person touching your partner and see how it makes you feel.

#2 Try a different fantasy before you try the 3-Way

You have so many options to explore if you are serious about spicing up your sex life. Sex toys, role play, voyeurism, BDSM… the list goes on. These are all things that you can do with him that do not require additional participants. GetLusty.com is your personal playbook for hot sex with your mate. Make sure you check out some of our other content and see what piques your interest.

I hope this helps you and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.

Sincerely,
J. Cameron Gantt

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor,  a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including Yourtango and Singleswarehouse. He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at Instigaytor.com.

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5 Relationship Tips Straight Couples Can Learn from Gay Couples

Here at GetLusty for Couples, we include all couples in our discussions, straight and gay. After all, there are few differences between straight and gay relationships, though there are also many similarities. We all share the same hardships and challenges. But--in fact, there's a thing or two straight couples could learn from gay couples. GetLusty for Couples writer, Monique Mitchell is here with some of her advice for the straight couples from the LGBTQ perspective.

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Relationships can all be complicated. Difficult factors such as the lack of communication; infidelity issues; unrelated philosophies on life; and sexual incompatibility can turn a promising union to a crumbling disaster. However, according to various studies, sexual orientation may help a certain segment of the population have a greater hold on making a relationship work. In fact, here are five relationship tips that straight couples can learn from gay couples.

#1 Fight Fair

Reportedly, the amount of arguments that heterosexual couples and same-sex couples have are roughly the same. But, according to the Journal of Homosexuality, when same-sex couples argue they tend to make fewer verbal attacks and they try to defuse confrontation. Same-sex couples were also considered to be less likely to develop an elevated heartbeat and adrenaline surges during arguments. Conversely, straight couples were found to remain physically agitated after the conflict. With gay and lesbian couples, humor and affection was also stated to be used in order to allow each person to continue to talk about the issue instead of prolonging a heated argument. In addition, the journal's findings suggest that same-sex couples are better able to see the other person's point of view as well as pick the proper battles, which aids in maintaining a stronger relationship.

#2 Be Honest

Same-sex couples have the advantage in terms of honesty within their relationships. Straight men are more prone to lie about their commitment to a relationship as well as their possessions, while straight women lie to flatter a man's ego and to de-emphasize their interest in other men. Same-sex couples being more on the same wavelength, gender-wise, can make it more difficult to be deceitful regarding their motives.

#3 Don't Play the Guessing Game

Men, whether gay or straight, usually have stronger libidos than women. Comparatively, most women connect with their partners emotionally rather than sexually. The benefit of being in a relationship where both people either share sexual appetites or receive a satisfying amount of non-sexual intimacy is what helps place same-sex couples further ahead in relationships.

#4 Sex and Intimacy


In a 2011 Psychology Today article, it suggested that gay couples tend to have more sex than any other types of couples. And since women often value emotional intimacy, a lower sex drive is not usually a concern with lesbian couples. Gays and lesbians also talk more candidly about sex and monogamy, while heterosexual couples are more apprehensive when discussing sex. Frankness in a same-sex relationship sometimes can lead to a open relationship. Reportedly, men tend to compartmentalize sexual and emotional feelings. By going outside of the relationship, a gay couple with strong libidos can both accommodate their sexual desires. This type of an arrangement eliminates the threat that most other couples encounter in an unfaithful relationship.

#5 Share The Work

Equality in the home can help to reduce relationship conflict. Studies indicate that same-sex couples are more inclined to share household chores, since they are not forced into a particular role. Generally, women are expected to carry the brunt of the housework. And while two recent Norwegian studies entitled “The Study of Life Course, Generation and Gender” and "The Norwegian Life Course, Aging and Generations" indicated that seven out of ten Norwegian women were largely happy with being responsible for most of the housework, the study also stated that many of the women are older, and tend to be either unemployed or work part-time. Overall, most studies in other countries state that gender equality in the home makes couples happier, and can even lead to a more sex. By not having to do all, or the majority, of the housework, time can be freed up for intimacy and other forms of quality time.

As of January 2013, same-sex marriage will be recognized in nine states, in America. And more than 500,000 American couples are in same-sex relationships, per the Census Bureau's 2010 report. While the above factors have shown some of the advantages that same-sex couples may have over straight couples, all relationships face their share of issues. Still, the amount of communication, understanding and honesty in same-sex relationships can be a lesson to anyone who is trying to navigate their way through most relationship hurdles.

Monique Mitchell is a general article writer with a professional background in nearly everything. A native, and current resident, of Chicago, Monique has covered topics ranging from relationships and entertainment to technology and post-graduation career tips. Now focusing more on dating and relationship blogging, Monique aims to inform readers on issues around the emotional and sexual health of people in the LGBTQ community. In her spare time, Monique enjoys cooking, reading, and watching romantic comedies and "Trash TV".

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