What Happens When She Can't Orgasm?

Do you ever leave a sexual experience feeling frustrated? Wondering why you did it in the first place? You didn't orgasm, but he did. And usually, you wouldn't mind. But you couldn't communicate that you wanted to cum so you left frustrated and angry instead. We've been there. We get it. But what about when it gets to be a regular occurrence? Monica Day, of the Sensual Life, reports on how she recommended a solution for a friend with a similar problem.

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A friend recently wrote me about a delicate matter. His new girlfriend is going through a lot of changes – both personally and physically. She's suddenly having a hard time climaxing when they have sex. Because this friend was once a lover, I happen to know he has the best oral technique I have ever encountered. So he is accustomed to leaving his lovers incredibly satisfied, not frustrated.

Needless to say, neither of them is happy with this new development. And I could tell, the pressure was mounting for each of them. Possibly between them, as a result. I am not sure if this is true for men, but I know it happens for women. When we go through big emotional or physical changes (stress? weight gain? childbirth?), our orgasm also changes. We might go through the same motions, get to the same place where we usually go over. Then we stall.

And like men, we panic a little. We think of all the articles we’ve read lately on “female sexual dysfunction” and wonder if we have that. And then, depending on our age, we wonder if this is a sign of menopause. And then, oh right, you’re still working away between our legs. You get the picture.

Most of us expect our orgasm to be right where we left it last. But it’s not unusual to experience changes in our orgasm over time. And it’s not a bad thing, either. Our sexual fluidity, the dance between our genitals and our brain chemistry, keeps our intimate lives vibrant and interesting. If we let it.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture where everything is about performance and achievement. Even sex. Especially sex. And we are generally co-dependent when it comes to orgasm – both men and women. We see it as our “job” to “make” the other person come, and view ourselves as having failed if we don’t. But your orgasm doesn’t play by those rules. It doesn’t respond to pressure or rules or the ticking clock. It doesn’t care that you “always” came that way and now you can’t. Or that you used to like something and now you don’t.

Your orgasm is not beholden to a past or bound to a future. It lives only in the present moment. From one stroke, one touch, to the next. It lives in the realm of curiosity, not predictability. Even with the same lover for years and years, your orgasm will present surprises. Little twists and turns to navigate.

From a writer’s perspective, I would say to view your orgasm more as a verb, than a noun. Never assume it will be waiting for you where you last put it down. Expect to play a game of seek-and-find every time you enter intimate territory. When you can greet the body (and mind) of your lover with curiosity instead of expectation, you open up a whole new world together. Become tourists instead of townies with one another. Give each other directions, don’t assume they know the way. Don’t assume you know the way. But rather, make the exploration, instead of the orgasm, the goal.

You’ll find yourself in places you never knew existed. With someone you never met. Having experiences that far exceed your wildest imagination. And you’ll have a hard time remembering what you were so worried about in the first place.

Lovingly cross-posted from the Sensual Life blog.

Monica Day is the founder of The Sensual Life, and a writer, performer, workshop leader, and personal coach.

Her signature workshop, The Essensual Experience, uses creative expression to inspire more honesty and open communication about your desires – which is the precursor to living a life you love, getting the love you desire, and having the sex you’ve only dared imagine. You can follow her on Twitter @thesensuallife, on her Facebook Fan Page, The Sensual Life, and at her website, www.thesensuallife.com.
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